As we all know, the real important things that Tiger Woods should have said yesterday were never even approached. So, here I am writing between the lines.
"Good morning, and thank you for joining me. Many of you in this room are my friends. Many of you in this room know me. Many of you have cheered for me or you've worked with me or you've supported me."
I stacked the room.
"Now every one of you has good reason to be critical of me. I want to say to each of you, simply and directly, I am deeply sorry for my irresponsible and selfish behavior I engaged in."
I’m so sorry I got caught. I'd still be hitting it right now.
"Elin and I have started the process of discussing the damage caused by my behavior."
Buying her an expensive yacht is the first part of that healing process.
"As Elin pointed out to me, my real apology to her will not come in the form of words."
It will come written on a check.
"I am also aware of the pain my behavior has caused to those of you in this room. I have let you down, and I have let down my fans. For many of you, especially my friends, my behavior has been a personal disappointment. To those of you who work for me, I have let you down personally and professionally. My behavior has caused considerable worry to my business partners."
If I could have done it differently, yes, I would have frequented massage parlors and avoided skanky nightclub hostesses.
"To everyone involved in my foundation, including my staff, board of directors, sponsors, and most importantly, the young students we reach, our work is more important than ever. Thirteen years ago, my dad and I envisioned helping young people achieve their dreams through education. This work remains unchanged and will continue to grow. From the Learning Center students in Southern California to the Earl Woods scholars in Washington, D.C., millions of kids have changed their lives, and I am dedicated to making sure that continues."
I’m starting a class for kids teaching them how to pick up on strippers and another one called “Erotic Texting”.
"For all that I have done, I am so sorry."
But, the fact that I’m amazingly rich makes it a little easier to deal all this sorrow and regret.
"I have a lot to atone for, but there is one issue I really want to discuss. Some people have speculated that Elin somehow hurt or attacked me on Thanksgiving night. It angers me that people would fabricate a story like that. Elin never hit me that night or any other night. There has never been an episode of domestic violence in our marriage, ever. Elin has shown enormous grace and poise throughout this ordeal. Elin deserves praise, not blame."
Elin deserves half and I’m scared.