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The Human Male's Guide to Alien Women

by Gurmeet Mattu (writer), Glasgow, January 15, 2010

As man ventures out into the universe he will encounter strange and exotic species, some of whom he may want to kiss. If only Kirk had known.

Admittedly, as of this date, we have only reached the moon, but the time will inevitably come when man will venture further into space and encounter alien species. If these alien species are similar to ourselves in being divided into male and female there will no doubt arise the situation where a human male feels attracted to an alien female. But with no experience of alien women our space-faring Lothario will be at a severe disadvantage in attempting seduction unless, that is, he reads this instructional article and follows the advice herein.

The first thing you must ensure is to make your potential mate feel comfortable. You can begin by changing your name to Zob as this is a common name among many alien species and comparable to our Terran, Joe.

Then, as Zob, you must understand that we humans have a very poor sense of smell by comparison with our alien cousins but as you wish to make your paramour feel comfortable you must be prepared to give her a good sniff and allow her to reciprocate. Allow a few weeks for this to appreciate the full effect and of course no bathing is permitted while you enjoy each other’s pheromones. The Vandusians, with their smell of turtle soup, are quite acceptable, though the cheesy smelling Durit can be difficult. Their tusks too are not really compatible with human anatomy.

In a human relationship you would now be looking forward to that first kiss with your beloved, but many alien species regard mouth to mouth contact as not only disgusting but as a declaration of war. You must, therefore, proceed with caution. The kiss after all is only a form of greeting, much like the Faroodi elbow rubbing ritual. They, of course, have greater scope to enjoy this, having seven elbows. On each torso.

Human mating rituals would then proceed with a ‘date’. This could be a visit to a bar, a restaurant, the cinema, theatre or art gallery. Avoid these like the plague if attracted to a Wermyn lady. Their idea of a good night out is pro-celebrity hedgehog strangling, though their hedgehogs average ten feet in height.

Talsan females, on the other hand, like nothing better than lying in a hot bath. Not up to the neck, of course, but over the head. It helps that they are aquatic. This should not deter you, as finding a love gift for such a lady is simplicity itself, knowing their propensity for fresh fish.

Once these preliminary mating rituals are completed you would normally, with a human female, expect to move on to more intimate forms of hand to hand combat and similar bodily exploration. Most species enjoy this, the Velderon more than most, though it has been suggested that they are actually searching your skin for the fleas and ticks with which they augment their diet. After feasting on you they will have an insatiable thirst for lava juice, so do ensure that you have an adequate supply.

This article, being written by one of delicate sensibilities, will not venture into the actual mechanics of the human/alien mating process but a manual on this will no doubt be available shortly as a download from the NASA website.

On a final note I must remind you amorous astronauts that alien women are notorious for not respecting you in the morning.



About the Writer

Gurmeet Mattu is a writer for BrooWaha. For more information, visit the writer's website.
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3 comments on The Human Male's Guide to Alien Women

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By Lady D on January 15, 2010 at 11:36 am

Guess I will stick with the Androids. Good stuff.

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By instinct on January 16, 2010 at 02:51 am

"encounyter"?

:-/

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By Gurmeet Mattu on January 16, 2010 at 03:00 am

Oops!

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