Saturday, September 22, 2018

The Perils of Older Women

by Gurmeet Mattu (writer), Glasgow, January 14, 2010

A look at the ways in which a young man's virtue may be compromised by a predatory older woman.

You know how it is. If it’s not your best friend’s mom it’s your mom’s best fried. Older women, they’re only after one thing. And it’s your duty, as a nice young man, to make sure that they don’t get it. It is their husband’s duty to perform the function that they require of you and you should feel under no obligation to satisfy their sordid needs.

They will try many ploys to get you into their clutches, but the smart guy will be wise to their evil ways and avoid these traps. Some of their strategies include asking you to mow their lawn. This is particularly dangerous in warm weather as it may require you to remove your shirt. On no account should you remove any item of your clothing when within 100 yards of an older woman as this tends to drive them into a frenzy. Another ploy is to invite you into their house with the offer of refreshment. A beer may sound inviting, but your reputation is worth much more. Avoid also any chore which may require you to go upstairs in an older woman’s house. While on the ground floor you have the safety of being observed through the living room window by a passerby; upstairs on the pretext of lifting a heavy box you are as vulnerable as a lamb in the middle of a pride of lions.

An older woman standing helpless by the roadside also constitutes immense danger. The changing of her tyre will doubtless cause you to become rather covered with grime and the offer of a nearby bathroom to ‘freshen’ up, which will again involve the removal of clothing. The intelligent young man would rather go home covered in grease than be smeared with the make up of an older woman, no matter how expensive and pleasant smelling.

Teachers are especially dangerous as they can offer their students higher grades in return for a night of pensioner passion, and rejecting them may be fraught with peril if your ambition lies towards the academic. As one can’t refuse the teacher’s offer with a simple statement of the truth, such as, ‘You are old and fat and I would rather have a liaison with a hippopotamus’ and similar insults, you must instead resort to blatant lies such as ‘I respect you too much to do what you ask’ or ‘I am dying of an incurable disease’. On no account use a line such as ‘I am too young to satisfy your sophisticated needs’ as this is what is turning them on in the first place.

Other powerful older women that the young man must be wary of include policewomen and politicians. They are in predatory positions and cannot resist giving in to their instincts. The cop may offer to overlook small misdemeanours for certain favours. These favours will doubtless include handcuffing you to bedposts for nefarious purposes but can be avoided by claiming to have a contagious disease. Of course, if tasered into submission by said cop, the victim has no option but to surrender his virtue. The politician on the other hand is more likely to offer money or position as an inducement. But remember, at some point in the future you may have to tell your grandchildren that your success in life was down to one sweaty night in a hotel room wrestling with the Beast From Beyond.

The thing is older women rarely look like Stifler’s Mom (whose first name is Janine, by the way) they tend to look more like Stallone’s Mom. And that, unfortunately, is a step too far.

About the Writer

Gurmeet Mattu is a writer for BrooWaha. For more information, visit the writer's website.
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1 comments on The Perils of Older Women

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By artimus on July 17, 2012 at 06:21 pm

I do like his content - but the writing seems a trifle 'tacky' - tends to detract from the humour. :(

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