How often should a married couple (17 years) make love? Berenice and I normally manage once a week, but she insist her friends are doing it much more often, but I find this hard to believe. Jocelyn is buck-toothed and Eva lacks girly bumps, so I don’t see their husbands being too keen on their conjugals. Anyway, Berenice thinks we should be at it like knives but I am afraid I might hurt my knees. What do you suggest would be a suitable frequency?
Roland, Alice Springs
The frequency of conjugals is always a hard call as women have many calls on their time, like knitting quiche etc. However, as it is Berenice that is making these demands of you I can only assume that she has time on your hands, in which case I would suggest that you get a young, handsome, gardener. He could deal with Berenice’s carnal needs and also do your garden (thus further saving your knees) as he would not want you to suspect that he was doing what you had hired him to do. I hope this makes sense. Murdo McLachlan, Sadie’s cousin, is looking for work at the moment and is willing to travel, but I think he was thinking more in terms of Edinburgh than Australia.
I am thinking of entering politics and think I should grow a moustache to make me look more distinguished. What is your view?
Obviously, by looking at my portrait on my website you will see that I am in complete agreement with you. A moustache does certainly lend a gentleman an air of authority. Your problem lies in the fact that you are not a gentleman but, not to put too fine a point on it, a lady. Ladies with moustaches are not generally regarded seriously and I believe you may be making a major error with regard to facial hair, as it rarely suits a female face. But if you are not to be dissuaded please do avoid any type of hormone drugs which encourage hair growth as they are not area specific. I doubt a woman with a hairy chest would get far in politics, never mind the real world. If all else fails a false moustache may be the only answer.
My husband and I have always had an open marriage but now my husband, Toby, has suggested that we engage in wife swapping , rather than finding extra-marital partners individually. The problem is that he wishes to swap with George and Cynthia Parland and I totally detest George, whereas hubby has always had the hots for Cynthia. I would much rather swap with Norman and Cathy Belmont as Norman is a dish, but Toby has already had it off with Cathy, at the Christmas party last year. He did not enjoy the occasion as Cathy tends to snort when in the throes of passion and Toby found it to be terribly off-putting and does not want a repeat performance. We both fancy Rick and Yolanda Barbour but they are devout Hindus and do not approve of wife swapping, so they’re out. George Trumbull obviously has the hots for me as he stuck his hand up my skirt at a barbeque last week and I am tempted as Toby copped a feel of George’s wife, Denise too. Unfortunately Denise went all prudish and called the police and there was a bit of a scene. Luckily I got the phone number of the handsome young cop who arrested Toby, a guy called Andy, so some good came out of the fiasco. Toby admitted to me that he had made love with his cell mate while in jail and feels he may be bisexual, which is appalling as I’m not, so he may get more fun than me and might even steal my boyfriends. Anyway, to get to the question I wanted to ask you, are there any swingers in Scotland, as we’re thinking of going to your cute little country on vacation?
Scotland is a veritable carnival of carnality with swapping and swinging going on left, right and centre. You can’t step out of the door without tripping over rutting couples. Why only last week, Old Archie, swapped his Russian war bride, Svetlana, for a bag of onions and a copy of Rubber Spanking. He got the best part of the deal, believe me.
My husband has given up a perfectly good job as a merchant banker and says he wants to return to his father’s working-class roots by becoming a coal miner. How low can he sink?
Depends what pit he gets a job in.
My English she no very good so you understand maybe no. I look for girl, top quality big bosoms I meeting on holydays. She love me very much and I also. I come your country find her for wedding and give her babies but only knowing name no addressing or telephoning numbers. Her name Suzanne she blonde. I love her very very mucho, Willie, please helping me.
Rodrigo, c/o Palace Hotel, Hamiliton
Nae bother, sonny boy. The lassie you’re looking for is Suzanne Roberts, 48 Bellevue Park Court, Paisley and her phone number is 0141 177 90999, but she doesn’t want to see you because of the incident with the Bacardi Breezer and the cowbell, so you might want to cancel the wedding plans.
I have private health insurance with an international company, but they are refusing to assassinate my wife. Her constant nagging gives me a headache and as far as I am concerned that is a medical matter that they should deal with. Do you think I should take legal action to make them face up to their responsibilities.
No, no, lad, for God’s sake have a sense of proportion, you mustn’t be having the poor woman assassinated. Either buy a pair of ear plugs or use the time honoured Scottish method of dealing with a nagging wife, tell her to ‘Shut yer face!’
Willie's Wisdom 9
The Scottish Sage returns with advice on Wife Swapping, Mining and Assassination. His knowledge knows no bounds.
Copyright © 2010 Gurmeet Mattu