Tuesday, September 25, 2018

Willie's Wisdom 5

by Gurmeet Mattu (writer), Glasgow, January 01, 2010

Wind? Boring? Smug? Nothing to the the awesome wisdom of Willie, the Scottish Sage.

Well, back to the advice, my wee friends, after my revealing interview last time round. The Inbox has been fair bulging with your requests for help, but I am not daunted and ask you to bring it on and I will fight my way through your many problems. Send your grief to

Dear Willie,
We have recently moved to Seattle in the USA from India as my husband is a software engineer. My problem is that I cannot convince my children to remember their heritage by eating our traditional curries. Instead, they prefer to eat hamburgers and pizzas and suchlike with their American friends. What can I do?
Mrs Pritam Rai, Seattle

Dear Mrs Rai,
That’s no problem at all, if ye follow my advice. Just take your hamburgers and whatever and stick them in your curry, buns and all, making a hamburger curry. I can fair do that fusion.

Dear Willie,
I suffer from terrible wind when I eat certain foods and it causes me considerable embarrassment. People avoid me at work and the neighbours have moved out. Is there a solution?
Bradley, Nova Scotia

Dear Bradley,
In these green, eco-friendly times you have discovered a form of wind power which can only help to reduce global warming and also save you money. Simply attach a small wind turbine to the seat of your underpants and use the electricity generated to power your watch. If your wind power exceeds this you may want to store the excess in a battery. A large tin of baked beans could help you run an LCD TV.

Dear Willie,
I wish to change my name. It is currently Arthur, but I have never liked it. I imagine myself more as a Norman or Reginald. Which do you think would best suit?
Arthur Smallcock, Yuba City, Ca

Dear Artie,
I would forget about the whole thing and take pride in your name, which has a distinguished past. I assume you’ve heard of King Arthur, but have you ever heard of King Norman or King Reginald? Well, actually, there was a King Reg of Turkmenistan, but he was deposed three minutes after ascending the throne due to indigestion.

Dear Willie,
I have just won £50 million on the National Lottery. I don’t have any problems and I don’t need any of your useless advice. I just wanted you to know that I was now incredibly, fabulously, stinking, rich.
George, Edinburgh

Dear George,
A smug little scumbag, aren’t you? How would you like it if I printed your full address and let you handle the begging letters and the spongers at your door? I have the power of the internet behind me, wee man, and your wealth means nothing to me.

Dear Willie,
My man has a terrible habit. When he comes home from the pub after a few beers, he comes up to the bedroom and bites me on the bottom. This is quite a startling way to be woken up and I’m scared that it could cause me psychological problems. How can I get him to desist?
Jen, Australia

Dear Jen,
There are, in fact, two ways to resolve this problem. One is to learn how to sleep face up, though there is the problem of you rolling over whilst asleep. The other is to have your mother over to stay the night and sleep in your bed without telling your man.


Dear Willie,
My wife thinks I am boring and so I have decided to take up some adventurous new hobbies in an attempt to appear more virile and attractive to her. I am considering stamp collecting with its inherent danger of paper cuts, or perhaps pressing wild flowers though I suffer dreadfully from hay fever. Do you have any other suggestions?
Jorg, Hamburg

Dear Jorg,
Well, you are a man of action, and there’s no doubt about it. But I really don’t see why you have to take on all these dangerous pastimes just to satisfy your wife. Being boring is an adventure in itself. I would concentrate on it, if I were you, as you obviously have a natural aptitude for it. And it’s soon to be an Olympic sport. Just think, you could bore for the fatherland.

About the Writer

Gurmeet Mattu is a writer for BrooWaha. For more information, visit the writer's website.
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1 comments on Willie's Wisdom 5

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By Brygida88 on July 01, 2014 at 03:55 am

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