Tuesday, July 17, 2018

X-Tina: Missed All Her Memos?

by Deanna Meiresonne (writer), Chicago, IL, January 06, 2007


In an awkward attempt to grow with her fan base, Aguilera has seen us through a series of surprising, even frightening, aliases. Her most recent one seems to be a tribute to the late Marilyn Monroe, complete with the familiar blonde hairstyle and swing series outfits. While it has long become accepted that we may never see a day when Aguilera shows a decent fashion sense, this time it has taken a truly awful turn.

But aside from the dangerous mix of gaudy clothes and drag-queen makeup, the artist formerly known as X-Tina may even be hazardous to her health. Aguilera’s tired tresses never seem to leave the house without being properly hair sprayed and dosed in ample amounts of peroxide, causing for a sticky situation. Surely the stagehands fear for their lives every time she’s under the heat of the spotlights for too long. Christina, we beg you: though we appreciate the shout out to our favorite Support our Troops campaign, it’s not worth a fire hazard on your head!

Aguilera’s outfits seem to be frequently ablaze these days as well. When was the last time we didn’t see our poor corset-loving, bodice-baring singer dressed in something other than tinsel off the Christmas tree? The only reasonable explanation that can be offered up is Aguilera’s mascara-laden lashes have distorted her ability to distinguish between glitter and ghastly.

Even M.A.C., a cosmetic company known for its outrageous makeup and overdone look, warns against wearing thick eyes with dark red lipstick. Unfortunately, Christina seems to be content using all the products in her makeup drawer. Her over-powdered Marie Antoinette skin set against hair that could also be caked in flour, only enhances the layers of eyeliner. While her well-documented talent to overshoot a high E has guaranteed that Aguilera will always have her followers, the fans can’t help but wonder what sort of cruel mishap must have happened to her skin to make her want to hide under all that makeup?

Dear Christina Aguilera:

While we sort of understand what you’re trying to do, we ask you to reconsider whatever it is (because we were just being nice, and we really don’t get it at all). Just for one photo, let your real skin show through, so we know you’re okay. All that foundation doesn’t even look that good on camera, which mean it probably looks worse face-to-face. Have you ever heard of i.d. Bare Minerals? While we do applaud your rising from the punk stage (it just wasn’t you), we are here to remind you that it is not the twenties, and most certainly not the eighties, when drag was cool. We know that Britney Spears’ current sloppy status can be frightening, but mind you, it’s okay to let your hair loose from the curling iron once in awhile and dress like a normal person. If only for a moment.

About the Writer

Deanna Meiresonne is a writer for BrooWaha. For more information, visit the writer's website.
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