Friday, October 19, 2018

Sex and Global Warming

by Gurmeet Mattu (writer), Glasgow, December 28, 2009

Are your amorous activities leading to the death of the planet?

I know you’re fed up to the back teeth with hearing about this, but I have amazing new evidence that Global Warming is caused by sex.

But first the science behind my conclusions. You are no doubt aware that when you rub two items together you create friction and therefore heat. So, obviously, when you rub two humans together you create an incredible amount of heat. And, let’s face it, there are millions of people every day who are having sex and the amount of heat created is enormous. Some sex addicts are doing it two or three times a day and that’s just a prescription for suicide, because every sexual act is raising the temperature by a fraction of a degree. And millions of fractions of a degree make a lot!

The thing is, when you’re having sex, your metabolism is racing and your body is like a small furnace, blasting out heat. And when your activities reach their natural conclusion, well, that’s just like a firework going off.

Some important facts to consider. Your average oral encounter produces less heat than full sex, but illicit sex is a definite no-no, especially if her husband is nearby, because you create even more heat when you’re nervous. Oh, and orgies are definitely out. You could cook a steak pie with the heat coming off ten people going at it hammer and tongs. Self abuse is tolerable, as long as you do it very slowly and don’t build up too much friction. About three days per session would be roughly right. To slow you down, try thinking about Margaret Thatcher.

Positions are important too. Missionary is cool, but doggy is hot. Your choice of partner reflects how much heat you radiate too. If you’re hot for a woman, you probably will be. I’m not suggesting you go after the less attractive, but average to pretty is usually about right. Try to avoid ‘hot’ babes as every time one of them sticks her bottom in the air the planet loses five minutes of its life.

You see it’s not just friction that causes the rise in temperature, you also have to take account of the excitement factor. This means that sex with a wife you’ve been married to for five years rates about 1, whereas sex with a mistress is worth at least a 5 and sex with Charlize Theron is going to take you way up to 1,580.

So, the message should be that by cutting down on the amount of sex we have we are saving the planet. Luckily, there is a way for you to get some sexual pleasure without destroying the environment. It doesn’t involve recycling or cutting carbon emissions, just having sex in a bath of cold water. Your heat will be transferred to the water and will not affect the global temperature. You can also take the bath water you’ve just heated up and make a nice cup of tea. And let’s face it, you’ll need it after your exertions.

About the Writer

Gurmeet Mattu is a writer for BrooWaha. For more information, visit the writer's website.
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1 comments on Sex and Global Warming

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By Ian Crates on September 06, 2010 at 11:43 am

Thanks for a great laugh, but also for drawing our attention to a more serious matter; Charlize Theron may never get laid again.

If only Al Gore hadn't invented Global Warming after inventing the Internet.

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