Tuesday, July 17, 2018

Willie's Wisdom 3

by Gurmeet Mattu (writer), Glasgow, December 25, 2009

Smoking, Vegetarians, dancing, Willie, the Scottish Sage, tackles them all.

“Welcome again, dear readers, I am Willie, the Scottish Sage. I live on the banks of Loch Ness with my beautiful, young, wife Sadie and attempt to solve all of your problems, whether they be personal, familial, sexual or whatever, by tapping into my vast knowledge of ancient Scottish wisdom and lore. Feel free to consult me at Welcome to Willie’s Wisdom.”

Dear Willie,
Are you related to the Scottish cartoon character Oor Wullie from the Sunday Post?
George, Inverness

Dear George,
No, I’m not related to the spiky-haired one, though I am blood kin to the Broons. They are descendants of the illegitimate relationship between Queen Victoria and her equerry, John Brown, and are therefore the true royal family of Scotland. I think I’m forty eight and three quarters in line for the throne.

Dear Willie,
At school the headmaster treats me like a skivvy. He has me sweeping floors and mopping up people’s messes. I have to wash windows and carry things about all over the place and at break time I have to patrol the playground to make sure the kids aren’t messing about.
Walter, Bordeaux

Dear Walter,
That’s ‘cause yer a janitor, ya halfwit.

Dear Willie,
I have had my eye on this girl in my class at school for some time. Now the school dance is coming up and I think I should make some kind of move. But the thing is I don’t know what to do. It’s not that I’m shy or anything, but I just don’t know how to let her know I’m interested.
Doug, Donacster

Dear Doug,
The answer, young man, is vigorous dancing. All wummin like to be vigorously danced, some of them more than once. The animal kingdom is full of males displaying to their mates by vigorous dancing and a school dance is the ideal place to show off your talents. And remember the secret is in the vigorous, no’ the dancing.

Dear Willie,
My husband has recently taken to wearing a Viking helmet and hopping to work. He claims this is in the fine tradition of British eccentricity, but I have my doubts.
Linda, Lesmahagow

Dear Linda,
Being eccentric is a very English kind of thing. As a Scotsman your husband is a bampot.

Dear Willie,
The wife refuses to wear stockings and suspenders as she claims they are slutty. How can I convince her that this kind of thing is only mildly kinky and she should indulge me.
Bobby, Wisconsin

Dear Bobby,
I had the same problem with my Sadie at one time. I just couldn’t get her out of her American Tan pantyhose and into something a wee bit more arousing. “But tights are more comfortable,” she would moan to me. I resolved this situation like any mature,
intelligent man by intense sulking.

Dear Willie,
Help! My wife has become a vegetarian and won’t even touch meat, never mind cook it for my tea. I haven’t seen a pork chop or bit of steak for weeks and am fading away to a mountain. How can I get her back to normal?
Raymond, Dusseldorf

Dear Raymond,
In dealing with veggies you have to be devious. If she’s turned that way because she loves animals so much she refuses to eat them, ask her why she hates vegetables wi’ such a vengeance. Alternatively, turn her own logic on its head. She’s probably always doing veggie versions of real food so if she’s been palming you off with soya mince, volunteer to do the cooking and give her beef olives.

Dear Willie,
I’ve been smoking 20 a day for 30 years and just can’t stop. I’ve tried everything, patches, gum, the lot and I was even a dartboard for an acupuncturist for a while. At one point I was so desperate I asked my pal Big Charlie to thump me if he ever saw me with a cigarette. He cracked my jaw on the left side but I still managed to get a draw out of the right side of my mouth. How do I stop?
Darren, Cardiff

Dear Darren,
The only guaranteed way to stop smoking is to seal up every orifice in yer body using industrial strength super glue. This will ensure that you have nowhere to stick yer cigarette. It will also ensure that you are dead, due to lack of oxygen, but this is a small price to pay to become a non-smoker.

About the Writer

Gurmeet Mattu is a writer for BrooWaha. For more information, visit the writer's website.
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1 comments on Willie's Wisdom 3

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By Damroka88 on July 18, 2014 at 05:47 am

That is so true and look krugerrand cena

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