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Friday, October 20, 2017

A Scottish Sage: Willie's Wisdom 2

by Gurmeet Mattu (writer), Glasgow, December 23, 2009

Once again Willie, the Scottish Sage, tackles all your problems.

“Welcome, readers, I am Willie, the Scottish Sage. I live on the banks of Loch Ness, with my beautiful, young, wife Sadie, and attempt to solve all of your problems, whether they be personal, familial, sexual or whatever, by tapping into my vast knowledge of ancient Scottish wisdom and lore. Feel free to consult me at willie@scriptschool.co.uk Welcome to Willie’s Wisdom.”

Dear Willie,
I have a small problem I was hoping you might be able to help me with. The thing is I have recently started going out with a very nice girl, but the thing is she’s six foot two while I’m only five three and I’m afraid of heights.
Yours,
Tom, Wyoming

Dear Tommy,
I can’t see how that’s a ‘wee’ problem. Seems to me that’s eleven inches of a problem you’ve got there. You could try lying about your height but I reckon she’d see through that one. Also with your vertigo you’d be a danger climbing a stepladder to give her a kiss, what with nosebleeds and all that, so the best I can suggest is to check out if she’s got a younger sister more suitable to your requirements.
Willie

Dear Willie,
I wonder if you could give me some fashion advice. Do you think purple, satin, pumps would go with cerise, velvet, harem pants. The boys in the shipyard are always on at me about this.
Big George, Belfast

Dear George,
I’m not surprised your pals are criticising ye. Have ye considered the health and safety implications of wearing harem pants to your work. A cerise velvet boiler suit would be perfectly acceptable.
Willie

Dear Willie,
My husband won’t allow me to buy non-stick pots for our kitchen as he says they make the food taste ‘funny’. This of course leads to extra work for me in scouring our pans. Can you convince him that these modern marvels do not affect the flavour of food.
Jill, Darwin

Dear Jill,
I’m afraid I can’t agree with you on this one. As you know this non-stick carry-on was pioneered by the space race, but what is not generally known is that yon NASA guys got it wrong. What they were supposed to invent was non-stick food! Imagine what a boon that would have been. You read it here first.
Willie

Dear Willie,
We have been married for twelve years and the magic has gone out of our relationship. Can you suggest anything to re-ignite the spark?
Yours,
Ricky, Inverness

Dear Ricky,
What you must understand is that the marital shenanigans is constantly evolving. What kept your granny and grandpa happy just won’t do for the modern couple. What I would suggest is that you get down to the library and get yourself wan o’ those manual things with all the latest grips and holds. That should do the trick.
Willie

Dear Willie,
My man is always complaining that I never give him anything decent to eat. I have a regular schedule, you see. Mince and tatties on Monday, stew on Tuesday. You get the idea. Anyway, his lordship always wants what’s on the menu the day before it’s due, which just isn’t convenient, what with my evening classes. Any suggestions would be welcome.
Lucy, Dumfries

Dear Lucy,
Excuse me for going off on a wee bit of a tangent here, but I assume you know the
difference between astrology and astronomy? Well, the same thing applies in the
kitchen. Forget your gastronomy and study gastrology so you’ll know what he wants for his dinner tomorrow.
Willie

Dear Willie,
I was watching a red movie on the DVD the other day when the wife walked in and caught me blue handed. Any good excuses?
Tony, Winnipeg

Dear Tony,
Have you ever been checked for colour blindness?
Willie

Dear Willie,
I am in love with an older woman. She is ten and I am eight. Do you think there is any future in our relationship?
Jimmy, NY

Dear Jimmy,
Go on yourself, wee man. Far be it from me to stand in the way of young love, but if you’re considering heading down to the town hall to make it official do make sure that you get a pre-nuptial contract. A man has to defend his Playstation.
Willie

Dear Willie,
My mate said it wasn’t good for me to mix my drinks when we’re down the pub. How does that work, it’s all just alcohol, isn’t it?
Sam, London

Dear Sam,
A common mistake, my boy. What you’ve got tae remember is that when you get squiffy on vodka you’re Russian drunk; when you get pissed on brandy you’re French drunk, and when you get legless on rum you’re Caribbean drunk. This is very confusing for your body, which was under the impression that ye were English.
Willie

Dear Willie,
My wife and I recently got married and we are now planning a family. What do you think is the ideal size for a family?
John, Glasgow

Dear John,
Assuming you mean once they’re fully grown I’d suggest 205 inches as the size for the perfect family. That’s one lad at six foot, one at five eight and a lassie at five foot five inches.
Willie

Dear Willie,
We have a problem with hoodies in my area. How can we stop this menace?
Ken, St Albans

Dear Ken,
I don’t know what all the fuss is about. Uncircumcised guys should be treated the same as everybody else.
Willie

Dear Willie,
My wife and I both recently retired and without the social pressures we previously had on us we have decided to become nudists. However we are unsure as to how we should proceed.
Does one merely divest oneself of one’s clothing and continue living normally?
Sven, Stockholm

Dear Sven,
I think it’s marvellous that you have decided not to spend your twilight years with slippers and pipe, but have opted for fresh air and healthy living. I would suggest ye try and find some kind of club to get information on how to live stark naked. But do remember that Sweden is a generally cold country and ye shouldn’t forget to slip on a warm coat and a scarf.
Willie



About the Writer

Gurmeet Mattu is a writer for BrooWaha. For more information, visit the writer's website.
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2 comments on A Scottish Sage: Willie's Wisdom 2

Log In To Vote   Score: 0
By Gurmeet Mattu on December 23, 2009 at 02:40 pm

Yes, same Willie, but he was younger then.

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Log In To Vote   Score: 0
By Amaranta88 on July 17, 2014 at 06:17 am

That is special foteliki samochodowe

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