“Welcome, readers, I am Willie, the Scottish Sage. I live on the banks of Loch Ness with my beautiful young wife Sadie and attempt to solve all of your problems, whether they be personal, familial, sexual or whatever, by tapping into my vast knowledge of ancient Scottish wisdom and lore."
What is the difference between a thong and a g-string?
I have done extensive research into this subject on behalf of the Royal National Institute of Gussets and the answer is 0.0003 mm.
I am in love with my wife’s sister. Unfortunately she is in love with her uncle, her mother’s brother. But he is gay and is living in sin with a short postman. Now my wife has discovered she has bisexual tendencies during a day trip to a model farm and is threatening to leave me. My daughter has taken up body building and my eldest son has somehow managed to get a nun pregnant. Do you think my life would improve if I wore a hair piece?
You are fair having a hard time of it, wee man, and it’s perfectly obvious that your problems are all caused by your lack of hair. A wig would indeed be a good idea though they can be expensive. To cut costs I would suggest collecting hair balls from cats and gluing them to a hemisphere cut from an old soccer ball. In the interests of livening up your life perhaps I could suggest changing hair color while you’re at it. A ginger tom might be the answer, especially if you were previously blonde.
I come from Scottish stock and would love to prepare a traditional Scottish meal for my friends on Robbie Burns night. Can you give me any hints or tips?
Morag, New Jersey
Times have changed in Bonnie Scotland since Brigadoon, and a typical Scottish meal nowadays is likely to consist of chicken pakora, lamb rogan josh and a garlic naan . This is because we have been colonised by an Indian invasion. Unfortunately you cannot avail yourself of these culinary delights as John Wayne killed all your Indians.
Luckily we have also imported a healthy dose of Italians so I would suggest you attempt a haggis pizza, washed down by a nice malt Chianti.
I don’t really know if it’s your cup of tea but I have an awful problem with makeup. I’m never very sure whether to apply my blusher above or below my foundation. Applying below creates a subtle effect but doesn’t last as I often work outdoors which, as you know, can play hell with your complexion. Any advice would be appreciated. I am a 42 year old bricklayer.
Makeup is no mystery to me and I am renowned for my mastery of moisturiser. The secret lies not in which order you apply your war paint but in the quantity. I would apply it with a trowel which, in your trade, should pose no problems.
I found a photograph of a woman in my husband’s wallet. He claims it is of an alien woman, Zenga, who seduced him in her UFO while refuelling in a petrol station on the M8. However she looks suspiciously like Celia Bagshot who works in the local bakery. Should I confront him?
It is a well known fact in the UFO community that Celia Bagshot was abducted by aliens while on holiday in Roswell and replaced by the Venusian seductress Zenga with the express aim of getting herself impregnated by an Earthman. Your husband had no say in this matter as Earthmen are powerless to resist alien female wiles. But please ensure that your husband is not coerced into making any form of child maintenance payments for his alien spawn as Venus has no reciprocal legal agreements with Earth.
My daughter has recently told me that she would like be a strumpet when she grows up. This has come as something of a shock as I have had her name down for trollop school since she was born, in honour of her mother. Can you tell me the difference between a trollop and a strumpet?
The difference between a strumpet and a trollop is easy to spot. Whereas a strumpet will allow you an occasional look, your experienced trollop will insist on it. This includes holding you in a headlock to focus your attention. Trollops are not to be messed with!
I have recently taken up jogging and hope to take part in a 10k charity run soon. Can you suggest a training regime which can get me into shape quickly as I haven’t done any physical exercise for several years.
The important thing with training regimes is getting adequate rest. I would recommend a thorough rest both before and after a good night’ sleep, followed by a period of intense relaxation.