I learned something this past weekend. But let me back up for a second.
I’m always cold and I hate it. When summer turns to fall my house takes on a chill that doesn’t let up. It’s that time of year when the house is actually colder than it is outside. So while everyone’s enjoying the leaves as they’re turning every sort of shade and the kids head back to school, excited for bus rides and recess, I’m shivering in my house, wearing about four layers of clothes. But I refuse to turn on the heat. It’s too early and gas is expensive. And I’m cheap.
So imagine my utmost surprise this weekend when things took a turn in my favor. My oldest son, who’s still in elementary school decided he wanted to have a sleepover. At first it was going to be a few kids, but the list kept growing and pretty soon it was ten kids. Suffice it to say, it was wild! But an amazing thing happened! Our house got warm. No really, I mean seriously hot!
This is the conversation I had with my wife.
“Honey, did you turn the heat up?”
“Well were you just baking some brownies for the kids?”
“Well, why is the house so hot?”
“I have no idea.”
I actually had to take off two of my four layers. And I was more than comfortable.
Then I checked the thermostat. It was at 72 degrees!!! I kid you NOT! A full ten degrees higher than it had been for the last two weeks!! It still hadn’t dawned on me what the heat source was until I was getting all the kids tucked away for the night. I had the late shift. My wife had done a ton of work getting everything prepared for the party, so I agreed to be the graveyard attendant. So while my wife was happily snoozing, I was up dealing with the little monsters. Half the boys were so tired they could barely keep their eyes open, the other half were so tired they were loopy. But all of them complained that the room was too hot! It was steaming, like a sauna!! I actually had to open a window and leave it open the whole night!! That’s when it dawned on me.
I JUST FOUND THE HEAT SOURCE!!!!
Wow……now I was excited. I was just trying to figure out how I could bottle that heat and use it for six months out of every year. The solution appeared slowly, like an apparition materializing out of the dark night. And I figured out what I needed to do. Why hadn’t I thought of this earlier??
My wife and I needed to have more kids. A lot more!! We have three, so we needed to bump it to TEN! Seven more pregnancies. That didn’t seem so bad. It would probably take about ten years or so. We could do it. The thought of being warm for the rest of my life thrilled me. I was sure I could convince my wife she wouldn’t mind being beautifully plump for another decade. But then my happy daydream came crashing down. I realized the chink in my plan. It was me. I was the chink. For I was fixed! I had no more kids in my future. And if my wife got pregnant, she’d have some explaining to do!
Damn, I didn’t think that one out entirely. Doomed to be cold for the rest of my life.
But I guess in the end I could just turn up the heat. GAS, is just a little bit cheaper than seven more kids headed to college.
Nah….. forget that, I’m moving to Florida.