Every Sunday THE GUYS gear up for a day of bone crunching hits, dazzling moves, clutch plays, irate coaches and crazed fans. Yes, we like our football as much as the rest of this country does. It’s absolutely become America’s pastime, supplanting baseball long ago as the sport we obsess over. Football used to be just for men, but that’s changed. Men and women plan parties around the weekly Sunday lineup.
We know some women who actually like the games (we love that), but even the women that don’t care, seem to enjoy watching their husbands or boyfriends revert back to little boys, screaming at the TV, slapping five, doing the touchdown dance and all sorts of other foolery. It’s just a fun time, and that’s what we like in this country.
What else do we love about football? We love Office Pools, Fantasy Football and Rivalries galore. We love BBQs and parties. We love bonding with our neighbors and old high school buds who are still die hard townies. All of these things bring us closer together. It’s even a day that the hometown team erases the worst of political rivals. At least for three hours!!! Finally, don’t forget the biggest attraction.
The game is fast and it’s violent. Oh c’mon, it’s true. It’s wired in us. Predator vs. Prey. The hunt. Spears, knives. You name it, it’s in our blood. And we love blood! So why does the rest of the world not give a crap? Let’s examine this issue. Baseball is played in almost any country where there’s dirt. Basketball has spread faster than any virus could ever. Hockey…..well hockey’s hockey. But football? Not really. In fact the minute football dips it’s bruised foot in the Atlantic or Pacific, it’s washed back to shore with the rest of the rotted wood, oil spills and condom wrappers.
The real reason is because the rest of the world likes the “Other Football.” Yes, we can hardly say the dirty word……Soccer! Don’t get us wrong. Soccer is a beautiful sport requiring such skill it’s beyond us! Many of the professional soccer players can do things with their feet that we only dream about doing with our hands. (Shh….don’t tell our wives that or we’ll be replaced fast than you can say, Little Jimmy!) But somehow soccer hasn’t caught on here. What you say, not caught on? Yes, we do admit it’s the fastest growing sport in the country. Every kid, three and up, plays. And the opportunities to play are astounding. If you’re a nine year old kid in a suburb, at any given moment, you could sign up for at least three teams. Now that’s scary. You certainly can’t do that with football. Every kid has dreams of playing soccer in college. Well we should say every parent has dreams of their kid getting a college scholarship, even thought they still don’t know what “Off Sides” really is. In addition, soccer has crept into our lexicon. Anyone ever hear the term, “Soccer Mom?” So why do we stick by our guns? Why?
Three reasons. 1. Professional soccer players are a bunch of whining fakers, and we’re being nice here. Every single time another player gets near enough to create a gentle wind current, the guy grabs his ankle or leg and rolls around in pain like he’s a fish out of water. This is hardly what America is about. We don’t show our pain. We pretend to the rest of the world that “It’s all good!!!” We can’t have our professional role models showing the rest of the world we’re a bunch of wimps. That just doesn’t cut it. 2. The games don’t move fast enough. Yeah, the ball is flying around like a pinball on crack but it doesn’t go anywhere. It’s one big Bubble Boy game. The ball only breaks the bubble once or twice a game. Scores of 1-0 are common place and considered great by the rest of the world. Here in America we like our numbers big, like our servings. We’re all about extra, extra. Supersize us!! We want 27-24, or 56-0 or 33-31!The hell with 1-0. That’s like getting four fries and no shake. We just won’t have it. 3. We just don’t understand the game. We alluded to this earlier. Nine out of ten parents couldn’t tell you what off sides is, or the difference between a goal kick and a corner kick. And what happens when the ball goes out of the sideline. And what is “stoppage time?” And it goes on. Sure we don’t really get football either. Most people have no idea what those Fat guys on the line are really doing, and the fact that they have the most important jobs on the field. But nobody cares. We don’t need to know about blocking patterns or who’s in motion or all the complicated play calling. We’re all about “Faith” in this country.
If the announcers tell us it’s a complicated scheme, and if they tell us this coach is a genius and that player is intelligent, we believe them. We love being told what to believe because we don’t really care. We just know football is exciting and fast moving. That’s good enough for us. So while the rest of the world is visiting their Sunday shrines or resting from their Saturday homages, we’re going to be paying our respects to our TVs in numbers so much greater than voters, it’s even scary to think. Which brings us to our final point. The easiest way to get this country back on track is to hand it over to the NFL. Talk about erasing our debt and getting us back on track. Sure, there’s no such thing as a sure thing, but the NFL is about as close it gets. And that’s a cozy thought in this world of violence, disease and uncertainty. Who would have thought that one of the most violent sports on the planet could be a source of comfort? But oddly enough it is. It puts us all at ease, at least for one day out of the week. And since Sunday is traditionally the day of rest, somehow this works for us. So whomever your team is, or whomever you’re rooting for, we say GO TEAM. We’ll be rooting along with you in America’s Church. We can always pick up our argument tomorrow! ENJOY! THE GUYS