Thursday, September 20, 2018

Anything You Can Douche, I Can Douche Better

by Glenn T (writer), Las Vegas, NV, August 31, 2009


Just when I think that douchebaggery has reached its pinnacle, there's always someone eager to disappoint me and restore my belief that modern day masculinity is anything but.

There is something truly incredible about the men of Los Angeles; something that defies all logic or understanding. Because just when I think that I've seen the art of douchebaggery reach its highest, or rather, lowest point, and without even seeking it out, I come across someone (or two) ever so much worse. It's as though L.A. has become the epicenter for dressing yourself like an asshat and then acting as though you're walking around in classic Armani suit. I'm not certain whether to laugh or to cry. But, ever since I read in my April Esquire magazine about "end of the douchbag era" (courtesy of Stephen Marche's 'A Thousand Words About Our Culture' column) I've been waiting to see signs of this downturn. From where I'm standing, however, I fear the Marche may have posted the proverbial "Mission Accomplished" banner on his cultural aircraft carrier just a tad too early. The douchebag movement is apparently alive and well here in the City of Angels - and may even be gaining momentum.

Skinny jeans, over-sized v-necks, highlighted hair and eyeliner are apparently not enough. Because while sitting in an Irish Pub (yes an actual Irish pub - the only place you'd be less likely to spot the common L.A. douche than a Men's Wearhouse) on the north side of town this weekend, I was confronted by a brave new step forward in fashion dumbassery - the coordinated kung fu headband. At first, I thought it was some sort of joke - as though some group of kids were having a theme party and the pub was simply a stop on their bar crawl. Sure they wouldn't fit in, but that was sort of the point of such an adventure anyway, right? I couldn't think of any other reason why two of these young men would be wearing tied headbands that matched their outfits: one white and one black. It was like some post-modern good vs. evil chode war - or as though the Karate Kid and Criss Angel had a love child (or two).

At least one of them had the good sense to use a handkerchief (of course that same dickwad did not have the good sense to keep his pants from falling off his ass - despite the fact that he was wearing a belt - but that's a different story). The other looked as though he had crafted his from an old white undershirt. I can almost imagine the scene at his house:

Assclown 1: "Yo, you ready yet?"

Assclown 2: "Almost... YO! Sweet headband!"

Assclown 1: "Yeah, chicks love this thing - Spencer was totally rockin' one last week at the club... I got black to match my jeans and eyeliner"

Assclown 2: "Dude, I don't have a white one to match my shoes..."

Assclown 1: "Yo, just cut up an old shirt!"

Assclown 2: "Sweet!"

Now that I look at it, I think I just transcribed the outtakes from "Dude, Where's My Car?"

But seriously, Mr. Makeshift Headband was a serious limp and one crane technique away from being Daniel Laruso. I had to fight the urge to go over and ask him if he was from Reseda and how Mr. Miyagi was doing these days.

In all honesty, all of it would have been fine if they were joking. You know, a Karate Kid theme party wouldn't be such a bad idea - I'll bet you could even get Elizabeth Shue to show up depending on which bars you went to. Hell, I might even have joined in with some movie quotes and maybe bought the group a round for their sheer brilliance. But, no. This was no tongue-in-cheek send up of 80's pop fashion. This was latest ring quest of another Frodo and Bilbo Douchbaggins - lowering the bar to impossible new depths, and turning an otherwise tremendous local pub into a weak hipster rest stop. As they laughed at their own unimaginably stupid jokes, and strutted around the bar like peacocks, their woefully underfed Ingénues in tow, I struggled in vain to ignore them and was left trying to glean some sort of lesson from having to bear witness to this latest fashion tragedy.

Much like economic turn around - we must be cautious to announce the end of the douchebag era before it is truly nigh. In all likelihood, it will take years to undo the damage done by Afflication, Armani Exchange, Diesel and most of the Persian and Armenian guys I've met. Because just as one tool recognizes the errors of his ways, buttons up his shirt, takes off his jewelry and turns his car stereo down, another will take his place; under the same misguided delusion that such behavior is all that's standing in between him and a life of perpetually available sex with supermodels. No, it's going to take a nation of us to stand up; to continue to rage against this rising tide of overgroomed and undersmart scrotes, to finally point and laugh and yell: "What the hell are you wearing?"

Or just one of us to sweep the leg.

About the Writer

Glenn T is a writer for BrooWaha. For more information, visit the writer's website.
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3 comments on Anything You Can Douche, I Can Douche Better

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By Charles Harmison on August 31, 2009 at 07:40 pm

"It was like some post-modern good vs. evil chode war - or as though the Karate Kid and Criss Angel had a love child (or two)."


I literally laughed my ass off reading this, thanks man.

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By Lumiere on September 01, 2009 at 10:22 am

Love the aritcle. Hilarious.

"that same dickwad did not have the good sense to keep his pants from falling off his ass - despite the fact that he was wearing a belt..."
I pray every night, this one particular fashion trend started in the early's 90's would die.

Ladies like to see a little booty on the boys. Just take a cue from the baseball and football uniforms. :)

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By Glenn T on September 01, 2009 at 03:55 pm

Craig - Jury is still out on that one.  I do know quite a few LA girls that do go for that, but just as many who don't.  I think if you traded your Levis in for a slightly more fashionable pair you'd probably be just fine.  There's always Maria's Fashions in Alhambra to get you started...

Julian - Gah! Pork Pie hats?!?  Wow, I can't wait for that one to get to LA...  But I've actually been to a Journey concert - and still couldn't talked into dressing that douchetastically... 

Lumiere - Agreed... whole-heartedly.  About a year ago I wrote the following:

"...young men, rest assured, if someone wants to see your underwear, they’ll let you know. For now, it’s safe to assume that I’m not one of them."

And unlike most of my opinions, I still can't say it much better than that. 

THANKS for reading, all!

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