Right-sizing My Social Networks

by sanjanakumar (writer), May 25, 2009

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Sometimes it is better to have a social network that consists of quality instead of quantity.

About a week ago I was at an event that we had held for our customers where we were discussing new technology that we will be releasing in the near future. During lunch, the topic at my table was social networking sites. One of my customers suggested that we create a group on Facebook. I then turned to him and said oh, you are on facebook? (being entrenched in technology, I am not sure why I was surprised). We mentioned something about linking to each other and then the topic turned to the fact that you need to be careful who you link to and what you post on your wall, etc. Someone else brought up Twitter and everyone at the table unanimously stated that none of us Twittered or Tweeted or whatever the proper verb is for Twitter.

I used to want to build my Facebook and Linked In network empires. I was a social networking site whore, I admit it. I accepted everyone who wanted to link to me. I wanted to see how many people I could actually connect to. When meeting new people, one of the first things I would ask them is if they are on Facebook or Linked In. By the end of the social engagement I would say goodbye to the person I had just met, saying we MUST link to each other on FB or whatever site we both had in common. I would go home later that night or the next day, log into my precious social sites and immediately try to find this person to connect to. I really wanted to create some amazingly huge social networking circle.

I think part of my undiscriminatory decisions for linking to particular people on Facebook was mere curiosity. Especially with people from high school. Ok , the truth be told, I am nosey. I want to know what these people from high school are doing, what they have been up to, how many friends they are have or who they are still in contact with, and even more importantly---what they look like now. I would scour the walls and photo albums of these new connections learning what my new social connections have been doing with their lives for the past 20 years.

Then about a month ago, a girl from high school tried to friend me. This person made my life and my mother's life pure hell my junior year of high school. Not only did my first boyfriend cheat on me with her but she actually jumped me in the hall during lunch in high school. Why would I EVER want to be connected to this person on FB?? Honestly.

So when I received the email stating that so and so wanted to be friends with me, I immediately logged into the site. I saw someone she knew online so I sent a message asking why so and so wanted to connect to me. Apparently as I was asking this question, so and so was on the phone to the person I was asking my questions to. So and so then started sending me emails informing me or answering the questions that I had been asking to the 3rd party of this conversation. It was a scene straight out of high school-- all of the gossiping and talking about people behind their backs as well as the manipulation of conversation to obtain information. I could care less what so and so is up to. The 3rd party had already sent me an email the first time we connected on FB tellling me ALL the sordid, juicy secrets of so and so's life. I didn't solicit this information, it came quite freely. The best part of the conversation, is that the 3rd party was telling me how lucky I was I didn't have to be friends with so and so and how she has to be friends with her because they are now related by marriage. Again, classic high school conversation. Permission to be friends on Facebook--DENIED.

It has been a couple of weeks since my customer's comment but it has really got me thinking about right sizing my social networks. Companies all across the world are going through re-orgs so I have decided to apply this my own life. I mentioned this to my friend Jayne yesterday and we were discussing the whole "unfriending" someone on FB.

Jayne had unfriended someone and the person who was unfriended tells everyone she meets how Jayne unfriended her. A year ago, it did sound kind of stupid and lame to unfriend someone but what Jayne told me yesterday was, "hey, I wasn't friends with her anymore, I didn't need her in my friends list." Plain and simple.

I had unfriended the boy from Boston after things didn't work out. He then went so far as to DELETE and BLOCK me. I had to laugh. Unfriending someone is one thing but to actually take the step of blocking me??? As far as I am concerned, blocking someone from FB has a vindictive tone to it. The best thing is a month later, he tried to friend me again on FB. Really???? You BLOCK and DELETE me and NOW all of a sudden you want to be friends again. HA. Once again, permissions to link DENIED.

Right now, I have something like 375 friends on FB. To be honest, I have no idea if someone has unfriended me until one random day that person pops into my head and I go to look them up on FB and they are no longer listed. Oh well, guess they unfriended me.

Apparently there was an article in the NY Times about this a while back from what Jayne told me.

As of June 1st, I will have right-sized my social networking connections. I will merely be deleting connections not blocking them as I just don't see the point in blocking someone. It's kind of mean and immature (well unless the person is harrassing you then by all means BLOCK.) I wonder if any of the people I have "defriended" will even notice. Perhaps they will try to friend me again? Only time will tell. I think I will use the cleaning out the closets criteria as a new standard for my social networks. When adding one item (or in this case friend) you must get rid of one item (friend) so that there is a complete balance and you don't end up with clutter.

About the Writer

sanjanakumar is a writer for BrooWaha. For more information, visit the writer's website.

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11 comments on Right-sizing My Social Networks

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By D. E. Carson on May 25, 2009 at 03:39 pm

Nice story. I'm thinking I need to forward it to a friend of mine. He relayed this story to me about FB in a conversation we were having on social networks (funny how those tend to crop up in conversations from time to time). Here's basically how our conversation went:

DEC: so just how long have you been on Facebook?

My Friend (MF): I dunno.

DEC: You have many friends?

MF: A few. A lot are from high school. I guess they want to keep tabs on me. I really only approve the ones that seemed to give a damn about me back then. But it was funny, this one guy I went to high school with, sent me a friend request then after I approved the request the asshole dropped me from his friends list! It's nice to know that some people don't change.

DEC: Whaddya mean?

MF: He was a jerk then and it looks like the Navy didn't straighten him out. Either that or it made him more of a jerk. Either way, I'm kind of glad he dropped me. A couple of my friends on Facebook are people I wasn't sure wanted to ever have anything to do with me again, but it seems that they still somewhat care. We chat sometimes when there's time to do that.

DEC: Eh, you're probably better off without that one friend.

MF: I got along all through high school without having him as a friend in real life, I think I can manage not having him as a friend on Facebook.

Thanks for the advice...!

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By sanjanakumar on May 25, 2009 at 04:57 pm

Haha. Good post. I love the people that friend you on FB to check you out and then remove you as a friend once their curiosity has been satisfied.

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By Julian Gallo on May 25, 2009 at 06:15 pm

I think everyone has had this experience. I sometimes get people who don't even know me but they friend me for a while, never utter a word, then disappear. Makes me wonder why they even bother. Facebook is the one social networking site that I limit. I make that one private. The others, I don't because I mainly use them to publicize my books, music etc. No sense in that if they are private.

Another peculiar thing about Facebook is what you referred to as the "nosy" aspect; people coming out of the past who never really liked you in the first place but seem to all of a sudden want to know you. I've had a few of those as well and as D.E's friend pointed out, is astonishing how little some have changed over 25 years---as if they never left that high school mentality behind. Others who have found me who were always a dick to me get the deny button immediately. I realize that some people can change as they age but it's been my experience that there are many who never do. It's all amusing in the end.

Thanks for the great read...

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By Christopher Wager on May 25, 2009 at 06:53 pm

I have to say ,I don't care for facebook. Even in the fact that everyone I know ia on it.

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By Edward on May 31, 2009 at 06:58 pm

Good info about a medium I know very little about.

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By sanjanakumar on June 02, 2009 at 06:19 pm

Well...apparently somone noticed that I de-friended them on FB. This is an email I received on 5/29

DROPPED TO THE CURB! Between You and Brian

I can't believe I didn't make the cut!!!!!!! That's cold Ms Kumar! Cold! Why does Andy make the cut!?!? And Jill S.! I don't even know who that girls is! I am friends with her, but I still don't remember her! HMMPHHHH... I was having such a good day until this!!!! Seriously though, who is Jill S?

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By Bill Friday on June 02, 2009 at 07:43 pm

I thought we, as men, had moved past the, "I don't even know her... and if I did know her, she meant NOTHING to me... you're the only one who matters..." line we used in (fill in other decade here).

This e-mail proves why Heidi and Spencer even exist in our public consciousness.

p.s. My friend request is in the (e-)mail.

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By Garry Crystal on June 03, 2009 at 10:42 am

Good article. Seriously getting bored with social networking sites and can see why they are all rapidly losing money, something new must be around the corner in this short attention span society. Think I will be right-sizing my account to zero soon.

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By Joseph M on June 03, 2009 at 01:17 pm

Google Wave is gonna be good.

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By Craig B on June 03, 2009 at 06:38 pm

Good article.

Another example of No More Donations Without Representationis Facebook Retreats On Terms Of Service. There was an uproar after the popular consumer rights advocacy blog Consumerist.com pointed them out Sunday, in a post titled "Facebook's New Terms Of Service: 'We Can Do Anything We Want With Your Content. Forever.' "

“Facebook's terms of service (TOS) used to say that when you closed an account on their network, any rights they claimed to the original content you uploaded would expire. Not anymore.

Now, anything you upload to Facebook can be used by Facebook in any way they deem fit, forever, no matter what you do later.* Want to close your account? Good for you, but Facebook still has the right to do whatever it wants with your old content. They can even sublicense it if they want.”

Facebook has since reversed themselves. There was a “clarification from Mark Zuckerberg, Facebook's founder, who told users in a blog post Monday that "on Facebook, people own their information and control who they share it with."

Zuckerberg, who started Facebook while still in college, also acknowledged that a "lot of the language in our terms is overly formal and protective of the rights we need to provide this service to you."

But this wasn't enough to quell user protests, and the site also created a group called "Facebook Bill of Rights and Responsibilities," designed to let users give input on Facebook's terms of use. It also apologized for what it called "the confusion around these issues."

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By Jen and Tonic on June 24, 2009 at 02:17 am

Nothing seems to bring people down faster than Facebook these days. I can't tell you how many conversations I've had with people who are upset over being de-friended, or blocked, or never added in the first place. I don't understand that at all. Perhaps I'm so used to face-to-face rejection that e-rejection doesn't phase me a bit.

A disturbing trend I'm facing is having my exes trying to contact me via Facebook. They all want to come out of the woodworks and see what I'm doing. They didn't care then, but now all of a sudden they are curious. Why? The only thing that has changed about me since high school is that I no longer pick my wedgies in public. Okay, I still do, but I am way more discreet.

Something I've been battling for a few months is my boyfriend's ex trying to friend me, asking me about him, and in general just being a stalker in my opinion. I don't know her, and the one interaction I did have with her nearly two years ago was NOT a pleasant one. Now she wants to be buddy buddies with me, and I know it's because she wants to see what he is up to.

Where is the line between social networking and being a voyeur and/or exhibitionist?

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