Sunday, October 21, 2018

The Hour I'll Never Get Back

by D. E. Carson (writer), , April 12, 2009

Suffering doesn't begin to describe it.

I don't watch shows like The Hills on TV.  Yet I can't help but know who Lauren Conrad, Audrina Partridge and Heidi Montag are.  They are twenty-somethings living in Los Angeles trying to make it on their own.  This information, of course, is courtesy of the myriad gossip magazines that adorn the endcaps and checkout stands of every Wal-Mart I shop.

But last night, for some reason -- perhaps the lack of anything worth watching being on (remember, I'll sit and watch golf for cryin' out loud, so you know I had to be bored!) -- I actually suffered my way through the "episode" of The Hills that happened to be on.  Actually I was waiting until 2:00 this morning when KTLA shows reruns of Star Trek which have been digitally remastered and make the U.S.S. Enterprise look really cool -- but that's another article for anther time.

Oh...  My...  ... and you know what else to add here.

Here is a show that must exist solely on the pretense that Lauren, Audrina and Heidi have looks that appeal to some pimple-faced adolescent male just entering puberty.  Since the episode happened to focus on Heidi and her "situation" I guess that's about all I know but here's what I can tell you:

Heidi has a serious attitude problem.  She thinks that because she's left Colorado and moved to L.A. she's all that and a bag of chips.  She isn't one that any horny twenty-something male would pass over for a night of pure, uncommital sex, but that attitude problem is just that -- a problem.  She needs to stop walking around like she has a corn cob up her ass and stop treating people like they're beneath her.  I've lived in L.A. for 10 years now and this place still makes me shake my head.  I'm like Eddie Murphy's Axel Foley from Beverly Hills Cop who laughed at the two white gay guys in the Michael Jackson leather jackets.  If I need to feel better about myself, I just go down to Wilshire and Rodeo and laugh at the pretentiousness of all the so-called "rich people" who have more money than sense.  Of course this may be why Heidi is in L.A. -- she's already craped on every male suitor in Colorado.

Incidentally, I did manage to stay up to see that episode of Star Trek last night.  It was "Elaan of Troyus", an episode where Captain Kirk was dealing with a woman (go figure) who reminded me very much of Heidi.  Being shot in the 1960s, that episode refers to an "ancient Earth custom called spanking" which is delivered to children who act like spoiled brats.  Heidi is proof positive that the "ancient Earth custom" is due for a revival and the sooner the better, as she could use one.

But Heidi wasn't what really ruffled my feathers.

The person that ruffled my feathers was this moron named Spencer.  Here's a guy who hasn't yet left puberty.  Physically, he may be in his 20s, but mentally, he's hanging on to single digits.  Here he is sitting in a bar telling the female bartender all about his "relationship" with Heidi and the bartender is eating this up.  The reason I call Spencer a moron is because Heidi told a completely different story to her mother in the same episode about an incident at that same bar.  Now when it comes to things like this, I tend to believe what the girl is saying versus what the guy is saying and I'll tell you why.

I'm a guy.

I know how guys act.  More often than not, the guy is lying because he's trying to bed some other chick for "sympathy sex".  So he's going to paint a totally different picture of what happened when and where than what the girl is going to say.

Here is what I gleaned from the story Heidi told:  Spencer went to a bar, started hitting on the bartender, a friend texted his ex-girlfriend telling her what Spencer was doing, the ex-girlfriend told Heidi what was going on, Heidi confronted Spencer and Spencer tried to beat the crap out of the friend who did the texting.

Okay, so what am I missing here?  Spencer is a jackass.  Heidi is stuck up.  The friend who did the texting is trying to start a fight -- I assume because he wants to get into Heidi's pants maybe?  The ex-girlfriend seems to be the only one who didn't have a vested interest in the relationship between Heidi and Spencer either way.  Sounds like ever other soap opera that has ever been on television.  How is this one different?  Because it's shot with real people instead of actors and shot like it's a documentary?  I'm sure it's still scripted to an extent because the fact is that REAL real life makes for boring TV.

I did hear Heidi say something that summed up how I felt after wasting that hour of my life.  She commented on how much she liked being back in Colorado at her mom's house and how there was "no drama" up there.

I like my life where ever it happens to be taking place because there is no drama here.

About the Writer

D. E. Carson is a writer for BrooWaha. For more information, visit the writer's website.
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