Ho hum. Yawn. Zzzzz… These are representations of many who heard the inaugural address of America’s first black president. Even Democratic pundits had a very hard time finding anything outstanding in President Obama’s speech. The idea that these words will be engraved in granite forces one to ask just what the hell is the criteria for engraving words in granite? One CBS News reporter was more interested in forcing Americans to get used to the words “President Barack Obama” than he was in what Obama had to say.
There was nothing arousing about Obama’s speech. It was dull, boring and contained nothing notable whatsoever. So as a public service, the text of President Obama’s inaugural speech is printed below with inserted translations and commentary that might make the speech a bit more informative if not downright amusing. At the very least it might provide some insight into what real Americans might have been thinking as they listened.
My fellow citizens (Citizens? Did you forget in which nation you were standing?):
I stand here today humbled (terrified is more like it) by the task before us (what you mean “us” Kemosabe? You president; you in charge; it all on your head now), grateful for the trust you have bestowed (don’t you mean to say, “grateful for the media lies you bought without question”? , mindful of the sacrifices borne by our ancestors (you do mean the sacrifices by white Americans who fought to right the wrongs of segregation and slavery don’t you? Otherwise this is all academic). I thank President Bush for his service to our nation (bet that was hard for you to say, wasn’t it?), as well as the generosity and cooperation he has shown throughout this transition (typical white guy).
Forty-four Americans have now taken the presidential oath (but only one flubbed it – of course that wasn’t completely your fault; the Chief Justice of the United States bone-headed that one. Don’t worry though, thanks to the liberal dumbing down of America in schools no one in America even knows what the oath is supposed to say or that it can be found specifically spelled out in Article II, Section 1, Paragraph 7 of the Constitution – the document you were supposed to swear to “preserve, protect and defend” but have not done so since you didn’t swear your oath correctly – a minor technicality that will no doubt be corrected soon). The words have been spoken during rising tides of prosperity and the still waters of peace. Yet, every so often, the oath is taken amidst gathering clouds and raging storms. At these moments, America has carried on not simply because of the skill or vision of those in high office, but because We the People have remained faithful to the ideals of our forebearers, and true to our founding documents.
So it has been. So it must be with this generation of Americans.
That we are in the midst of crisis is now well understood. Our nation is at war, against a far-reaching network of violence and hatred (your predecessor had a better word for it – “Evil”). Our economy is badly weakened, a consequence of greed and irresponsibility on the part of some (mainly Democrats who demanded that banks lower their standards for lending money to people who had no business buying a house at all or shouldn’t have bought a house they just couldn’t afford in the first place), but also our collective failure to make hard choices (like voting out liberal moron politicians who gave more attention to and received money from lobbyists and didn’t care about the people whose votes put them there) and prepare the nation for a new age. Homes have been lost; jobs shed; businesses shuttered. Our health care is too costly; our schools fail too many; and each day brings further evidence that the ways we use energy strengthen our adversaries and threaten our planet.
These are the indicators of crisis, subject to data and statistics. Less measurable but no less profound is a sapping of confidence across our land -- a nagging fear that America's decline is inevitable, and that the next generation must lower its sights.
Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real. They are serious and they are many. They will not be met easily or in a short span of time. But know this, America: They will be met.
On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord.
On this day, we come to proclaim an end to the petty grievances and false promises, the recriminations and worn-out dogmas, that for far too long have strangled our politics.
We remain a young nation, but in the words of Scripture, the time has come to set aside childish things. (Like singing “Na Na Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Good-bye” when President Bush walked on stage)The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit; to choose our better history; to carry forward that precious gift, that noble idea, passed on from generation to generation: the God-given promise that all are equal, all are free, and all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness.
In reaffirming the greatness of our nation, we understand that greatness is never a given. It must be earned. Our journey has never been one of shortcuts or settling for less. It has not been the path for the fainthearted -- for those who prefer leisure over work, or seek only the pleasures of riches and fame. Rather, it has been the risk-takers, the doers, the makers of things -- some celebrated, but more often men and women obscure in their labor -- who have carried us up the long, rugged path toward prosperity and freedom (But we liberals believe that those who take risks and make things should have all the fruits of their labor confiscated by the government and given to those who prefer leisure over work and seek pleasures of riches and fame).
For us, they packed up their few worldly possessions and traveled across oceans in search of a new life.
For us, they toiled in sweatshops and settled the West; endured the lash of the whip and plowed the hard earth.
For us, they fought and died, in places like Concord and Gettysburg; Normandy and Khe Sahn (but God forbid we mention those who died in Khabul or Baghdad because we liberals will never admit that the Iraq war was a noble effort even if its only outcome was to remove an evil dictator from power).
Time and again, these men and women struggled and sacrificed and worked till their hands were raw so that we might live a better life. They saw America as bigger than the sum of our individual ambitions; greater than all the differences of birth or wealth or faction.
This is the journey we continue today. We remain the most prosperous, powerful nation on Earth Not if we adapt your economic tax and spend policy). Our workers are no less productive than when this crisis began (just unemployed). Our minds are no less inventive (but unwilling since you want to confiscate the fruits of our labor and give it to lazy, good-for-nothing bums – why the hell should someone else prosper from our efforts? Where the hell is that guaranteed in the Declaration of Independence or the Constitution?), our goods and services no less needed than they were last week or last month or last year (because most of them are no longer produced here anyway). Our capacity remains undiminished (but our ability is). But our time of standing pat, of protecting narrow interests and putting off unpleasant decisions -- that time has surely passed. Starting today, we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and begin again the work of remaking America.
For everywhere we look, there is work to be done (you bet your ass there is). The state of the economy calls for action (but there is no room for false promises and up to now, you’ve been full of them), bold and swift, and we will act -- not only to create new jobs, but to lay a new foundation for growth. We will build the roads and bridges, the electric grids and digital lines that feed our commerce and bind us together (Sure, once you figure out how to wrestle control of all of this from the companies that are responsible for them and set up as socialist government entities). We will restore science to its rightful place (how? With a gun? ‘Cause it sure as hell isn’t going to be in the current government-run schools we have in this country), and wield technology's wonders to raise health care's quality (how? We already have the greatest health care system in the world – people come to America for health care because they know that they will get better quality service here and for cheaper and sooner than they will in their hold country) and lower its cost (yeah, good luck with that. Socializing health care won’t lower its cost – it’ll raise it exponentially). We will harness the sun and the winds (winds? There’s more than one kind of wind?) and the soil (you got a car that burns dirt?) to fuel our cars and run our factories. And we will transform our schools and colleges and universities to meet the demands of a new age (as liberal indoctrination facilities where we teach children and students that questioning the government is bad – conformity is good. Heil Big Brother!). All this we can do. And all this we will do (once we take away your guns and make all of you defenseless sheep under our control).
Now, there are some who question the scale of our ambitions (as we should – the liberal media didn’t bother to question them so someone’s got to do it!) -- who suggest that our system cannot tolerate too many big plans (big plans = good. Big government = bad). Their memories are short. For they have forgotten what this country has already done; what free men and women can achieve when imagination is joined to common purpose, and necessity to courage (yeah, when the government kept its hands OFF! It was once the government got involved that everything went to crap!).
What the cynics fail to understand is that the ground has shifted beneath them (that’s what happens when the rug is jerked out!) -- that the stale political arguments that have consumed us for so long no longer apply (again, not wanting the people to question the motives of the government and blindly accept what has been told them. The same government that wants us to believe that Oswald acted alone). The question we ask today is not whether our government is too big or too small (too big), but whether it works (it doesn’t) -- whether it helps families find jobs at a decent wage (it shouldn’t), care they can afford (it shouldn’t), a retirement that is dignified (it shouldn’t). Where the answer is yes (and just where is the answer “yes”?), we intend to move forward. Where the answer is no, programs will end (they should end anyway – they contribute to dependency). And those of us who manage the public's dollars will be held to account (that hasn’t been done for the last 40 years, why start now? We need to have a massive house cleaning to make this actually work – start by firing Congress and starting over) -- to spend wisely (let me stop laughing, first), reform bad habits (yeah, right), and do our business in the light of day (again, why start now?) -- because only then can we restore the vital trust between a people and their government (and by getting rid of the slugs we have in Congress now).
Nor is the question before us whether the market is a force for good or ill (the market is the market – we should keep it as is). Its power to generate wealth and expand freedom is unmatched (not if you’re trying to make it socialist), but this crisis has reminded us that without a watchful eye (taken away by Democratic Congresses and presidents in the past), the market can spin out of control -- and that a nation cannot prosper long when it favors only the prosperous (this nation doesn’t favor only those who are prosperous, it favors those who are actually willing to work hard and contribute to the system instead of leeching off of it). The success of our economy has always depended not just on the size of our gross domestic product, but on the reach of our prosperity; on our ability to extend opportunity to every willing heart -- not out of charity, but because it is the surest route to our common good (the common good is the result of our charity).
As for our common defense, we reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals (WHAT?!? Your ideals aren’t worth a pitcher of spit if you have no safet!). Our Founding Fathers, faced with perils we can scarcely imagine, drafted a charter to assure the rule of law (for everyone except white people) and the rights of man (again, so long as those men aren’t white), a charter expanded by the blood of generations (of white people who fought to make things that weren’t set up properly in the beginning right for the future). Those ideals still light the world (defended by white people working alongside black people, red people, yellow people and brown people – but God forbid liberals admit this either), and we will not give them up for expedience's sake (why not? You betrayed ideals for expedience’s sake). And so to all other peoples and governments who are watching today, from the grandest capitals to the small village where my father was born: Know that America is a friend of each nation and every man, woman and child who seeks a future of peace and dignity, and that we are ready to lead once more.
Recall that earlier generations faced down fascism and communism not just with missiles and tanks, but with sturdy alliances and enduring convictions (but not so a new generation of misguided liberal pinheads could come along and reestablish them in America). They understood that our power alone cannot protect us (no, but it should be a high-level priority), nor does it entitle us to do as we please (America doesn’t do as it pleases. We have never invaded a country for America’s personal gain but for the benefit of the downtrodden people of nations who cried out for freedom from injustice, tyrannical rule, genocide and racism). Instead, they knew that our power grows through its prudent use; our security emanates from the justness of our cause, the force of our example, the tempering qualities of humility and restraint (see previous comment – America has never taken land away from any nation. We have requested only enough land to bury our own who died in defense of other nations and after that the nation was given back to its people).
We are the keepers of this legacy. Guided by these principles once more, we can meet those new threats that demand even greater effort -- even greater cooperation and understanding between nations. We will begin to responsibly leave Iraq to its people (a plan actually forged and put into place by that guy who was president in late 2008 – his name already escapes me), and forge a hard-earned peace in Afghanistan. With old friends and former foes, we will work tirelessly to lessen the nuclear threat (only if you trust but verify and recognize peace through strength), and roll back the specter of a warming planet (there is more evidence that proves global warming is a hoax than there is that verifies it – the last three years alone have been cooler than in years before). We will not apologize for our way of life (nor should we – we are the greatest nation in the world, period), nor will we waver in its defense, and for those who seek to advance their aims by inducing terror and slaughtering innocents, we say to you now that our spirit is stronger and cannot be broken; you cannot outlast us, and we will defeat you (better be careful here, you’re starting to sound hawkish and your wacked-out, tree-hugging, bong-smoking, Birkenstock-wearing, thumb-sucking liberal supporters won’t like it).
For we know that our patchwork heritage is a strength, not a weakness. We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus -- and nonbelievers. We are shaped by every language and culture, drawn from every end of this Earth (but our nations motto: e pluribus unm demands assimilation into a new culture and leaving the old cultures behind. The primary cause of the fall of the Roman Empire was to allow multiculturalism within its borders. It bred infighting and civil war – two things America is destined to experience if we don’t establish an American culture); and because we have tasted the bitter swill of civil war (not started over slavery but as a violent disagreement over state’s rights versus federal government rights) and segregation (ended by the efforts of white people), and emerged from that dark chapter stronger and more united (not according to most blacks in America. To hear them tell it, they’re still living under segregation), we cannot help but believe that the old hatreds shall someday pass (only when people like Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton and your buddy Jeremiah Wright die – because they sure as hell won’t shut up); that the lines of tribe shall soon dissolve (huh? What tribes? You mean Cherokees versus Najavos? I don’t believe they’re called ‘tribes’, I believe they’re called ‘nations’ for a reason); that as the world grows smaller, our common humanity shall reveal itself; and that America must play its role in ushering in a new era of peace (peace is not the absence of war – peace is knowledge that self-defense is assured).
To the Muslim world, we seek a new way forward, based on mutual interest and mutual respect (there is no possibly way for this to happen so long as Islamo-fascists run that religion). To those leaders around the globe who seek to sow conflict, or blame their society's ills on the West: Know that your people will judge you on what you can build, not what you destroy (no, their people judge them on what they can give them right now – that’s how the Taliban came to power in Afghanistan – by providing basic necessities denied by other regimes. Hitler did the same thing in Germany and that was how the Nazis were able to rise to power. They gave Germans what they wanted and needed and blamed the strife of the nation on the old Weimar Republic and the Jews. Islamo-fascists are doing the same thing in the Middle East and America is the scapegoat). To those who cling to power through corruption and deceit and the silencing of dissent (Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi), know that you are on the wrong side of history (are you listening Harry? Nancy?); but that we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist (and stop shaking it at George W. Bush as if he were somehow responsible for where we are right now).
To the people of poor nations, we pledge to work alongside you to make your farms flourish and let clean waters flow (just like George W. Bush did in Africa during his eight years in office, even though no liberal in America would ever admit this openly because it would give them a reason to actually stop hating Bush); to nourish starved bodies and feed hungry minds. And to those nations like ours that enjoy relative plenty, we say we can no longer afford indifference to suffering outside our borders (we also can’t afford to keep giving you money); nor can we consume the world's resources without regard to effect (besides, we have enough resources that we don’t need Middle Eastern oil). For the world has changed, and we must change with it.
As we consider the road that unfolds before us, we remember with humble gratitude those brave Americans who, at this very hour, patrol far-off deserts and distant mountains. They have something to tell us today, just as the fallen heroes who lie in Arlington whisper through the ages (America is the greatest nation in the world – don’t F**k it up!). We honor them not only because they are guardians of our liberty, but because they embody the spirit of service (something liberals know nothing about unless they are the ones being served); a willingness to find meaning in something greater than themselves. And yet, at this moment -- a moment that will define a generation -- it is precisely this spirit that must inhabit us all.
For as much as government can do and must do, it is ultimately the faith and determination of the American people upon which this nation relies (and often does more times than not because the government is so screwed up it can’t find its ass with both hands and a mirror). It is the kindness to take in a stranger when the levees break (just can’t stop Bush-bashing, can you? Don’t forget that most of the blame for the failures in New Orleans are the fault of the state and local agencies – especially New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin and not as much in FEMA), the selflessness of workers who would rather cut their hours than see a friend lose their job (what fool would ever do that?) which sees us through our darkest hours. It is the firefighter's courage to storm a stairway filled with smoke, but also a parent's willingness to nurture a child, that finally decides our fate.
Our challenges may be new. The instruments with which we meet them may be new. But those values upon which our success depends -- hard work and honesty, courage and fair play, tolerance and curiosity, loyalty and patriotism -- these things are old (but have been forgotten by most Americans because they’re looking out for themselves and couldn’t care less about his neighbor. They are values that were prevalent in the 1950s but liberals in 2009 don’t want America to return to the 1950 values because they think that going back to the 1950s means having to readopt segregation). These things are true (thank you for admitting that I’m right!). They have been the quiet force of progress throughout our history. What is demanded then is a return to these truths. What is required of us now is a new era of responsibility -- a recognition, on the part of every American, that we have duties to ourselves, our nation and the world; duties that we do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task (why can’t people just be responsible for their own actions and stop being whiny victims?).
This is the price and the promise of citizenship.
This is the source of our confidence -- the knowledge that God calls on us to shape an uncertain destiny.
This is the meaning of our liberty and our creed -- why men and women and children of every race and every faith can join in celebration across this magnificent Mall, and why a man whose father less than 60 years ago might not have been served at a local restaurant can now stand before you to take a most sacred oath.
So let us mark this day with remembrance, of who we are and how far we have traveled (we have traveled far, but again, if you ask most black Americans, they will tell you that blacks are still segregated, oppressed and denied basic civil rights They will call you a “fat rich-ass white man” and will tell you that if you’re a black man who stands in defense of America that you are “sad because you should know the story” More times than are countable, the phrase “ain’t no white man gonna help no black man” is uttered by black people who can’t get it through their heads that America is the only nation in the world where hard word does and will pay off). In the year of America's birth, in the coldest of months, a small band of patriots huddled by dying campfires on the shores of an icy river. The capital was abandoned. The enemy was advancing. The snow was stained with blood. At a moment when the outcome of our revolution was most in doubt, the father of our nation ordered these words be read to the people:
"Let it be told to the future world ... that in the depth of winter, when nothing but hope and virtue could survive... that the city and the country, alarmed at one common danger, came forth to meet [it]."
America. In the face of our common dangers, in this winter of our hardship, let us remember these timeless words. With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come. Let it be said by our children's children that when we were tested, we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back, nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God's grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations.