Monday, July 16, 2018

Oh, the shame of it all!

by Steven Lane (writer), Simi valley, Ca and Austin, Tx., November 30, 2006


I've had almost four months to get the bad taste out, but it's still there. Last July 4th, on America's Independence Day, we were disgraced once again.
The trophy for the winner of "The Nathan's Famous Fourth of July International Hot Dog-Eating Contest" will continue to reside at the Imperial Palace in Saitama, Japan.
That's right, on America's most revered holiday, now six time winner and returning champ, Takeru Kobayashi rubbed our noses in defeat once again.
In this land of Bubba and Leroy, a scrawny 160 pounder swallowed 53 3/4 hot dogs in 12 minutes. American Joey Chestnut, at least made it close this year, as he gagged down 52 dogs. He even had the lead for a few minutes.
There even was a bit of controversy as to whether Kobayashi actually threw up while ingesting his 50th dog, thus warrenting a disqualification. But senior Judge Kuntzman upheld the win and was quoted soon after the event.

"The effluvia never touched the table," Kuntzman said, "When the hot dog came up, and some of it came out his nose, Kobayashi sucked it back down. To me, that's the testament of a champion and great athlete."

Where is our pride, how can this happen? Hell, a couple of years ago, we sent retired football player "Refrigerator Perry" into the fray. The 400 plus pounder quit after 12 dogs. One could take this as an attack on America, a conspiracy of the grandest scale. But this was not Pearl Harbor, we knew he was coming, yet once again Takeru triumphed.
Wayne Norbitz, president and COO Of Nathan's Famous was quoted prior to the contest, "We are thrilled to offer this spirited event on America's most patriotic day."
Hot Dogs and the Fourth of July, you can't get more American than that. We took a thrashing in our own backyard.
There seems to be a nasty little trend going on here. First the America's Cup was expropriated to New Zealand and now the Hot Dog Eating Championship continues to reside in the land of the rising sun.
Americans should hang their heads in shame. It is time to put this humiliation to an end. It is time for America to take back what is "divinely theirs". Let the Hot Dogs wars begin in earnest. Let's do this the American way. It is suggested that a "reward" of $1,000,000 be given to the first "American" that regains the Mustard Yellow International Belt. Potential prize winning hot dog eaters should be eligible for educational scholarships, not unlike college football players. "Dawg Clubs" at elementary school levels should be encouraged and compensated. Corporate endorsements should be made available to the best of the best. Let our voices ring out, "AMERICA WILL EAT THE WURST THE BEST". Amen.

I.F.O.C.E.(International Federation of Competitive Eating) eater profile of Mr. Takeru Kobayashi.
*Brats: 58 Johnsonville Brats/Brat Days/10 minutes/Aug 5, 2006
*Cow Brains: 57 (17.7 pounds)/15 minutes
*Hamburgers: Krystals/97 Krystal Burgers/8 minutes/October 28, 2006
*Rice Balls: 20 pounds rice balls/30 minutes

About the Writer

Steven Lane is a writer for BrooWaha. For more information, visit the writer's website.
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2 comments on Oh, the shame of it all!

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By D. E. Carson on December 01, 2006 at 01:37 am
America has been losing its identity ever since we gave money to Japan after we bombed Hiroshima and Nagasaki back into the stone age. It wasn't humiliating enough to have our fleet bombed out of existence on December 7, 1941, then we had to go and actually give money to Japan to rebuild after we retaliated for Pearl Harbor. Mr. Takogi from Die Hard said it best when he said, "Pearl Harbor didn't work out so we came after you with tape recorders." Of course most Americans don't care as much as I do that we're losing our country...
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By V on December 03, 2006 at 02:13 pm
Wow, I guess D.E. Carson REALLY cares about America's Hot Dog title. I just wanted to say that I loved your piece. My two favorite things together ... good writing and good food. Well, maybe it was not in this instance 'good' food, but 'comfort' food still counts.
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