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Tuesday, October 24, 2017

GET YOUR GOLDEN GOOSE HERE, JUST $39.99!

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Do you like to stay up late? Are you one of those people, like myself, who thinks two a.m. is a nice time to start the unwinding process? If you are, then you know about the never-ending showcase of infomercials available to us bug eyed bats on virtually every channel from midnight on. We are bombarded with a plethora of get rich schemes that boldly offer a pot of gold at the end of every rainbow. Each “circus barker” offers up their proven secrets to instantaneous wealth for some paltry sum. Just follow the simple directions, read the book, watch the CD, and you will wake up the next day “living the life”. There are scenes of million dollar mansions, private jets and Rolls Royces for all. It’s right there for the taking, just send in $39.99 and you might find yourself sitting at the bar with Scrooge McDuck, sipping Dom Perignon and smoking $100 cigars.

There are the, “buy property with no money down,” Guru’s who are touting how you can buy a government seized two bedroom house in Tupelo, Mississippi for $520.00 and “flip” it for $150,000.00… Don’t have an interest in becoming a instant real estate mogul?...OK, how about entering the health field. You can rake in the cashola and benefit mankind at the same time. Sell “THE GREATEST VITAMIN IN THE WORLD to your friends and family. “Get paid $1000 every time you get just 20 new people to try our amazing vitamin” is their tag line. Once you have basically screwed all those that are near and dear to you, the “upside” to this little entrepreneurial exercise will probably be limited to the cousin you never liked having irrevocably removed your name from her address book.
Then of course, there are the “one day only” offers of the guaranteed system that will make you rich. The difference here being, there is just a “talking head”, declaring he is rich and for $39.99 he will tell you how he did it. Conceivably, you might get a note in the mail, “My parents were rich, and then they died; now I am rich. Get rich parents and you will be rich as soon as they die, thanks for the $39.99.”
I like the one where there are just a bunch of people making testimonials. There is the frumpy housewife, “I just started my Internet business last month and I grossed $236,000 this week”. Or, we have the guy, with the Corvette in the driveway of his mansion telling us, “I needed to spend more time with my kids, so I started an Internet business and I made $48,000 yesterday. My kids love me and I love the lifestyle.” Details, details, we don’t need no stinking details.
But all time favorite scam is the “get rich selling on eBay” programs. They guarantee to give you mysterious lists of product suppliers that will “drop ship” items that you sell on eBay to your buyers. You never have to buy or warehouse the product, just list it sell it and reap the profit. HELLO, they are giving this list to thousands of people, who in turn list the same items for sale. It’s so stupid it’s funny. Or you can make your fortune rummaging though garage sales for that lost original copy of “The Treaty of Versailles”. Hands down the best of the best is, “Make tons of cash selling your unwanted stuff.” DUH, I am supposed to send them money so that they can tell me I can make money selling my shit? I have this mental picture of a guy dressed in a tuxedo, sitting on a small chair, in the middle of a totally empty living room. Not another stick of furniture, not a lamp or umbrella stand, with completely bare white walls. There nothing but the man and the chair. The man has a cartoon balloon over his head that says “I am rich, I sold my unwanted stuff”.
I remember some years ago, I found out my son had a little business going. He took out ads in a local newspaper. The headline was “Send me $20 and I’ll show you how to get rich.” People actually sent him the money and my son, being the honest upright guy he was and is, gave them the secret. He enclosed a flyer that said,
Buy and ad in a local newspaper
Put a head line that says,
‘SEND ME $20 AND I’LL SHOW YOU HOW TO GET RICH
Open your mail.
I believe the police had a short talk with him


About the Writer

Steven Lane is a writer for BrooWaha. For more information, visit the writer's website.
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