Hi folks, Billy Mays here for The Ghost Writer! You’ve seen my national T.V. ads for OxyClean, Ka-Boom, and that weird epoxy that changes color, but now I have joined forces with The Ghost Writer to solve all of your problems!I have one simple question for you: Have you had enough? Can’t take it anymore? I feel your pain, my friends but now there is something you can do about it! Let me ask you:
Do you need to threaten someone? If you answered “Yes” to this age old question then this is your lucky day. Ghost Writer Inc. is proud to announce our new line of Personal Threats! That’s right folks, you’ll be singing “Oh happy day” when you’ll finally be able to get back at those chosen few who have made your life a living Hell! Is your husband still screwing the slut from next door? Is your wife still banging that Yuppie freak from the office? Have you recently spotted the schoolyard bully who kicked your ass in the 6th grade now bagging socks at Wal-Mart? Does the minimum wage gas jockey always smirk when you cruise in to fill up your big American ride with its powerful gas guzzling V-8 engine? Does your boss or in-law need an adjustment of the personal kind? Does the paper boy always throw your morning Times into the sprinklers? Does the waiter at your favorite steak house always spit in your food? Do the Bible-thumping traveling minstrels continue to camp out on your front porch even after you slammed the door in their smiling faces? You don’t have to take it anymore because now you can…
They’ll be guaranteed to stink up any room as they soil their britches when you unleash the fury of a Ghost Writer Personal Threat! They’ll pee their pants with panic! They’ll be crying tears of dread! They’ll be hobbled with horror! Their doom will do double duty! Their terror will be total! They’ll be frigid with fright when they can’t even walk outside without an armed escort! Never again will they enjoy a moment of peace without looking over their miserable shoulders because they’ll never know how or when you will strike! Their obsession will be total as night after sleepless night the “Menace of you” will haunt their very dreams! They’ll whimper and moan before every meal when they realize they’ll have to employ a full time food taster! They’ll crawl with nightmarish shock when they understand that the tables have turned and YOU are now in charge! Their blood will run cold with the bone chilling images that only an official Ghost Writer Personal Threat can deliver!
And just in case you’d like to add a little extra incentive to the text of one of our custom threats, our art department can include, at no extra charge, a deluxe photo of “Nifty” my ninety pound Pit-Bull who hasn’t eaten for a week! You’ll watch in sheer delight as their intestines turn to jelly when they imagine Nifty ripping and tearing through their front door! Their nausea will be so complete it will make the projectile vomit scene from “The Exorcist” look like child’s play! But you’ll show no sympathy amidst their screams for mercy because your compassion has gone the way of the dinosaurs and the Dodo bird…it doesn’t exist anymore because you’ve had enough!
That’s right, my friends – your worries are over when you select a Personal Threat from our most popular list of Graveyard Gallery, Cemetery of Fun, or Tomb of Doom collections! Our friendly and highly trained staff are on-call twenty four hours a day to assist you. Never again will you have to succumb to the title of “Schoolyard Pansy” when you let loose the ferocity of an explosive Threat! Never again will you have to worry about not having enough money for an attorney because your unfaithful spouse won’t be able to sign those divorce papers fast enough! Our professional team of threatening process servers can guarantee that you’ll keep the car! You’ll keep the house! You’ll keep that brood of whining rug-rats! Your soon-to-be-ex will pay YOU alimony! For life! You can’t lose!
You’ll be able to terrorize even the heartiest soul when you open the floodgates of fear! And included with every paid order at the already everyday low price, you’ll receive a complementary “Letter to Satan” to announce their arrival in Hell! That’s a $40.00 value, yours free for just trying out a fearsome Personal Threat for thirty days! And of course, your satisfaction is guaranteed! If after thirty days your victims horror isn’t total, their dread isn’t timeless, their fear isn’t palpable, their nightmares aren’t complete, and their shock isn’t sufficient, simply return your Personal Threat for a full refund, but keep the “Letter to Satan” as your free gift! It’s that easy! Order today!