This just in: Barbra Streisand, beloved star of stage, screen, and song was found dead at her Malibu home early Friday morning. L.A. County Sheriffs Investigators say it was a scene of unprecedented carnage and bloodshed. Detective Buddy Williams of the Freak Accident Division was horrified by what he found. At a three o’clock news conference Downtown Los Angeles today, an obviously shaken Williams was quoted as saying: “I’ve been investigating Freak Accidents for twenty five years but nothing could have prepared me for what I saw.” Detective Buddy goes on to say, “From the evidence at the scene we were able to piece together what happened. Ms. Streisand was apparently standing in her front yard enjoying a mild early morning on-shore breeze, when an unexpected and brutal gust of wind kicked up in her face causing her huge nose to start flapping uncontrollably from cheek to cheek and she was beaten to death.”
A preliminary autopsy report released by the L.A. County Coroners office has confirmed that both sides of Ms. Streisand’s face was crushed and her skull was fractured when her huge honker repeatedly bashed her on both sides of her oddly shaped head. Wind gusts of over 80 mph were to blame. Investigators have surmised that the wind caught her tremendous bazoo just as it would catch the flaps of a jumbo jet since they both weigh about the same and would require the same amount of “Lift.”
High ranking L.A. County Sheriff’s officials have told this reporter that this is still an open and ongoing investigation since Barbra’s nose is now missing and on the run. The City of Malibu is offering a $100,000 reward leading to the arrest and conviction of the running nose and that ain’t nothin’ to sneeze at. Barbra’s nose should be considered armed and dangerous, and if spotted, citizens are urged not to attempt to apprehend the nose but to contact police at 1-800-Big-Honker.
When reached for comment, Barbra’s husband James Brolin said, “I knew this would happen one day. I begged Bab’s to have a nose job because every time we had sex and she was on top, I always came away with at least one black eye and a fat lip. I was obviously the lucky one.”
Funeral services will be held on Friday at Mt. Rushmore. The historic site was chosen because in order for the throngs of her adoring fans and loved ones to recognize Barbra at an open casket ceremony, the fifty ton granite nose of George Washington would have to be used as a “stand in” until her murderous honker could be taken in to custody.
Film at 11:00