It is not surprising that the omnipotent “Unity of All” campaign has reappeared. However, the past two years of silence from Satan and Death is surprising. Further, the dynamic leaders appear to have taken a grassroots approach that veers dramatically from the showy conventions of years past.
In front of Wal-Mart, just outside Salt Lake City, Utah, I had the privilege to experience Satan and Death in action. Satan seemed very comfortable in the 90 degree heat as he passed out snake-logo balloons to shoppers. Gummy snake treats were tied to the ends of red ribbons: to the delight of sugar-hungry children.
Robbie Taylor, age 6, commented on the treats, “The sun is hot, it’s hot today…er, these snakes are like ice cream cold. My mom said I could only have one, but the red man said I could have more any time I wanted. Can you bring me another? It’s really hot.”
Once the snake treat had been eaten the balloons would start to deflate, emitting a blue smoke. This evoked the desire for another. Parents, accustomed to whining and crying, reminded children how blessed they were to have one at all. A few lucky children were indulged in two or three balloon treats. A blue smoke started to fill the parking lot after a few hours of candy eating.
“The blue smoke makes me cough a little, but somehow it’s comfortable, familiar. Like when I used to smoke Marlboros. So, I let Kelly here have two. But the family is having dinner at Appleby’s tonight, so I don’t want her to fill up,” commented Kate Moore.
Death had a considerably more difficult time in the sweltering heat. His loose black robes seemed to have less flow than normal. He spent most of the day seated under a stretched canvas off the campaign RV (which pumped a frigid blast of air-conditioning every six seconds). His table was packed with toy scythes, doctor kits, and candy mints for freebies. Although smiling, Death just didn’t seem to have energy. His table remained somewhat unvisited. This provided the rare, on-the-spot interview.
AM: Good afternoon, Death. I haven’t seen you since the convention in 2006. Why the dramatic change of campaign style?
Death: We recently replaced our campaign manager with Paris Hilton. She got her energy plan out there quickly, succinctly, and with style. She reminds us constantly that big shows are expensive, and not on the human’s level.
AM: Do you believe this change in style has been successful?
Death: So far it’s been reaching more individuals on a personal level. Ms. Hilton is also directing a YouTube video for us. A third of our staff are vampires, and there have been problems will that, showing up in the film…but it will be coming soon.
AM: But I thought Ms. Hilton had recently become a Christian. Don’t you see this as a conflict?
Death: We believe that since she doesn’t have a running mate for this election, she can’t win. No conflict. She jumped at the chance to get more involved in politics, and no one feels that morals or beliefs are relevant. We may see more of her political prowess in the upcoming years.
AM: Running mates, yes. That seems to be a topic of interest now. Who do you think they will choose?
Death: Edwards chose his own political death. I didn’t do a thing, if that’s what you’re getting at. He is still breathing you know. And his wife, well, that wasn’t me either.
AM: Yes of course, I’m sorry I wasn’t clear. I meant what about John McCain and Barack Obama? Who do you think will be chosen as their running mates?
Death: Funny, they ought to just team up together: the mortals. One is a hot-head, one is cool-Joe. That balance has worked well for Satan and me. Look at him now in this incredible heat, hooves all over that black asphalt!
AM: Have you heard anything from Mitt Romney since being here in Utah?
Death: In person Mitt spits on Satan a lot, so I let my people take care of him. He doesn’t concern me at this time.
AM: What has been your favorite part of campaigning?
Death: Personally I enjoyed our Antarctic campaign with Shackleton in the early 1900s, but that was awhile ago. No one remembers that.
AM: Has the campaign platform changed much since then?
Death: Not really. Satan and I are still implementing a Unity of All plan.
AM: Thank you for your time Death. It has been a pleasure.
Death: It really is your time, but you are welcome.
Satan was unavailable for an interview, but I felt fortunate to have chatted with Death, and lived to write about it.