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Sunday, December 17, 2017

Holy Horrific Hodgepodge!!!

by Chris Volkay (writer), Los Angeles, November 20, 2006

Here is a collection of short pieces from the strange and
wacky world of religion, both past and present.

The Aztecs honored people by remitting them directly to the
gods. The only problem was, you had to have heart surgery
first. So to “prepare” the sojourners for the trek, Aztec
priests would rip the lucky participants chests open and
tear their hearts out. To dedicate a new temple, Aztec king
Ahuitzol sacrificed 80,000 tickers to the gods.

In the 13th century, thousands of French children believed a
shepherd boy who asserted to having seen visions of Christ.
The kiddies trailed the boy on a crusade to liberate the
“holy” land.

The children, of “The Children’s Crusade”, were put aboard
French ships, promised a journey to Jerusalem, gratis, and
then swiftly sold into slavery.

"Everybody Hates Chris"

In medieval times the Catholic Church banned women from the
stage in order to protect their morals. But the church still
coveted those glorious high voices.

The church solved the problem by castrating young boys so
their voices wouldn’t change,(the castratos). This practice
continued into the 19th century. Gee, in the interest of
fairness and balance, couldn’t we begin turning some of the
present-day priests into castratos?

In the 1850’s, Hung Hsiu-Ch’uan of China figured out that he
was the younger brother of Jesus.(Mary apparently believed
in waiting a while before having another child). He
organized the God Worship Society. Hung declared war against
China’s rulers. It lasted 14 years and cost 20 million
lives. In the end Hung and 100,000 of his followers all
committed suicide. Waco smaaco... The Chinese government
still hasn’t fully recovered from this episode.

In 1857 a South African girl had a vision that if her people
destroyed all their worldly possessions, the spirits would
lead them to victory over the marauding white men who had
taken her country.

Her tribe followed her vision, destroyed everything they
had, and 25,000 of them starved to death.

And now, for something a little more recent: In 1998 our
friend Jerry Falwell said that the Y2K problem may have been
“gods instrument to shake up the nation.” He declared that
the Y2K problem might lead to a religious revival that might
culminate in the return of Christ.

To prepare for this, Falwell stocked up on food and
ammunition, although it wasn’t quite clear why the ammo
would be needed.

I can only quote George Carlin, who, referring to Waco said,
“anytime religious nuts and government agents are shooting
at each other, I’m a happy guy.”

A Baptist church, used pizza to lure in 11 and 12-year-olds
off the street and then secretly baptized them without their
parents consent. What’s next, asking the kids to help them
find their lost dog?

Hemorrhoid-suffering pilgrims flocked to Murtosa, Portugal,
to rub the offending body part against a statue of St.
Goncalo, since he, a 13th century priest, was known for
curing acne. Could anything in this world possibly be more
appropriate?

A while back, the host of an international radio call-in
show, Harold Camping, told his listeners that Satan has
taken over “all” the churches and people should worship
elsewhere. Pastors from all over the nation were outraged,
with some attributing drops in both attendance and
contributions. If I can find his address, I’m thinking about
sending old Harold a couple bucks myself. Keep up the good
work.

According to the San Francisco Bay Guardian, a 31-year-old
government lawyer has developed a side business. He sells
silicone sexual devices in the shapes of religious icons,
such as Moses and Satan. I think Buddha, being rather
rotund, is out of luck here. His top of the line instrument
is something known as the “Jackhammer Jesus.”

And finally....religiously inspired suicide bombers striking
right here in the good old U.S. of A. some 45 years ago?
And in the bucolic San Fernando Valley to boot? Well from
the “truth is stranger than fiction” files, its seems a chap
by the name of Krishna Venta had a religious following right
here in the hills above Chatsworth, here in the Valley. One
day, back in 1958, two of his parishioners confronted him
with two rather sour faces, but much more importantly, 47
sticks of dynamite. The two bombers were convinced that the
holyman had not only taken their money and possessions, but
also had engaged in rather unholy acts with both of their
wives. All parties present, holyman Venta, the two bombers,
2 children, and 5 other “church” members were later
identified by their body parts and dental records.

Venta called his group the “Fountain of the World.” My only
question is...why do these religious fountains so often end
up overflowing with streams of blood, guts and brain matter?


About the Writer

Chris Volkay is a writer for BrooWaha. For more information, visit the writer's website.
Want to write articles too? Sign up & become a writer!

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