Nature is nothing if not balanced. To every Yin there must exist a Yang, to every night must come the day, and, like the vagina, for every penis must exist an enemy. Please note that the scientific principles and ethnographic detail presented in the author’s previous article: “The Vagina and Its Natural Enemies,” were used to painstakingly produce a nearly comprehensive list of enemies which purport to prey upon nature’s brainless brute—the penis. The purpose of this list is to inform, what the reader does with this information is clearly up to them. May God have mercy on the souls of those that ignore or misuse the knowledge disseminated herein…
Like its namesake, this predator is expertly suited to achieving one goal above all others, namely the systematic invasion of the penis’s lair. The pattern is unmistakable and can be broken into three stages:
- Stage One – Mapping: While the Cowbird is a formidable opponent, it lacks the necessary skills to track the penis to its lair. Accordingly, the Cowbird begins by beguiling the penis with its ample attributes—flexibility, ‘loose morals,’ and a penchant for experimentation and inventiveness that nearly made the author blush. (Nearly). Over the course of weeks or months the Cowbird patiently manipulates the penis into a false sense of security; the hapless and testosterone drunk penis rewards the Cowbird by taking it into his home.
- Stage Two – Invasion: Now that the Cowbird has discovered the lair of the penis, it begins to invade and mark its territory. Often the process will begin slowly—a toothbrush, a facial scrub, or, perhaps, her favorite brand of lubrication. Invariably the pace increases and the territory claimed increases in scope. To avoid alarming the victim, the Cowbird will camouflage her behavior by using ordinary items like the “overnight bag,” which do not, in and of themselves, present a threat to the penis, but which contain items that no overnight bag ever should; namely more than one of any of the following: underwear, perfume, towels, outfits, and, the coup de grâce of the invasion, box of “feminine napkins/panty liners.”
- Stage Three – Access: The invasion complete, the lair is now adorned with the Cowbird’s clothes, toiletries, favorite foods, and new linens (sometimes mattresses, the Cowbird, like most of her counterparts hates to sleep on the remnants of so many of the penis’s conquests), the Cowbird sneaks in a hint that a key to the lair would make life easier for all those involved; the necessarily myopic penis will, invariably, oblige.
Soon after the third stage is complete the Cowbird will announce that it has decided to nest in the penis’s lair. It will force the penis to remodel, refurnish, or relocate the lair. Sadly, by this time, there is no hope of redemption; the penis has been domesticated without ever realizing what was happening.
Sinister and beautiful the Octopus, derived from the Latin Octopusay, evolved for one purpose: to manipulate more than one penis at a time. The Octopus will actively seek out penis’s she believes are vulnerable to her evil design. Often the victims bear the following characteristics: overly tweezed eyebrows, overly sprayed cologne, and overly spun wheels. It should however be noted that, depending on its level of self-esteem, almost any penis is susceptible.
Unlike the other predators in this article, the Octopus is not particularly adept at hiding the telltale signs that expose its nefarious nature. Suspiciously unanswered telephone calls/text messages, odd bruising, particularly in the region in and around her knees, thighs, arms, and chest, and finally a chronically ill family member all would tend to militate towards the deviant behavior, which is the hallmark of the Octopus.
Unfortunately the penis’s allies, namely friends and family, are made impotent by the victim himself. Desperate to break free of the Octopus’s grip, he is driven to fits of madness and rage, which transform friends and family into perceived enemies. Isolated and alone, the penis slowly shrivels and withers, made free only when the Octopus secures a restraining order against him.
Often one question is asked of the Octopus: “Why did you do this to me?” Having born witness to the carnage inflicted by the Octopus, it is the author’s humble opinion that the real question the victim must ask of himself is: “Why did I do this to me?”
It was Hercules that was finally able to slay the dreaded Hydra, which is why those that fall prey to the Hydra’s advances quickly find that the task of dispatching the Hydra, or “nature’s sticky booger,” is nothing if not Herculean. Masters of masking their true nature, the Hydra will always come across as harmless, or in some cases, aloof. However, truth is a fizzy bubble at the bottom of a glass of Pellegrino—a cool refreshing glass of Pellegrino on a hot day, filled with ice and a twist of lime or lemon, delicious—truth is delicious and it will, eventually, bubble to the surface.
In truth, the Hydra is clingy and needy. She will try to dominate her victim’s life. Once the Hydra’s true nature becomes apparent, the victim will quickly try to cut the binds that tie him to his mistake, it is however, too late. Each cut spawns ten more chains to bind him. The penis will try reason at first, breaking up politely. The Hydra will often feign acceptance only to call, and through her tears, beg for redemption. Sometimes the penis will yield and offer a second, third, fourth, fifth, etc., chance, but the result is always that the mercy demonstrated by the penis only binds him more inextricably to the Hydra.
The Hydra will drive by the penis’s lair, call his phone, and try to guess his email password, but the Hydra will refrain from doing the one thing that can save her—walk away, and maybe talk to someone (just saying… it never hurts to talk, especially to a professional). In the end, the Hydra will become more desperate, her behavior resembling the penis’s behavior whilst in the grip of the Octopus (see above), and often the final blow is in the form of judicial intervention, incarceration, or worse: the “Pimp Hand.”
THE SPIDER MONKEY
Also known and “Crazy Flakes,” as in: “Did someone just serve you up a big bowl of Crazy Flakes,” the Spider Monkey is the most insane of all the penis’s enemies. These predators sit on a hair-trigger of insanity that drives them to one or all of the following behaviors being perpetrated upon the hapless penis: public outbursts, physical abuse, mental abuse, family abuse, pet abuse, tire slashing, convertible top slashing, spamming, car-jacking, ball-slapping, and the dreaded “Penile Slander” (the condition in which a penis’s performance and/or size/shape is ridiculed).
Unlike her sisters, the Spider Monkey is typically easy to spot to those more keenly aware one-eyed wanderers. She will typically drink Red Bull first thing in the morning and last thing in the evening. Her eyes are often intense (also known as “Crazy Eyes”), and her nostrils are often flared. (Please note that in the author’s limited and, admittedly awkward, experience, women with flared nostrils or “flostrils” often perform exceedingly well in bed). She will often wear copious amounts of perfume and sport at least one pair of FMBs (aka “Fuck Me Boots,” although it should be noted that ownership of these boots, in and of itself, is not indicative of a Spider Monkey, and is, if anything, strongly encouraged by the author).
The Spider Monkey will, with the smallest thread of attention, bind herself to her victim, and, in doing so, proceed to wear the penis down—both literally and figuratively. Unlike some of the other predators described here, the Spider Monkey’s “sexual prowess” makes her a difficult beast for the penis to cast aside—completely. Often the penis will hurt its own interests by returning again and again to the Spider Monkey for that freaky no-holds-barred throw down session that only a Spider Monkey can deliver. (Being off the meds will sometimes do that). In the end there are only two choices left to the penis: open a Meth-lab in Lancaster and move in with the Spider Monkey, or change its name and leave town, either way, life will never quite be the same.
As with the Vagina, it is my sincere hope that the knowledge communicated in this article will grant the reader the wisdom to recognize the many dangers that stalk the Penis. They say, and I’ve said, that “knowledge is power”… so be powerful.