Tuesday, July 17, 2018

I Like My Drinks To Taste Like Desserts

by Chef Phatatouille (writer), South Central, May 26, 2008


A look at two of my favorites: The Key Lime Pie Martini and the Carrot Cake Shooter

Sure, I love a nice cold beer like any other true alcoholic, but I also like a tasty treat every now and then.

And now and then.

And now again.

I used to pound the White Russians, but my days of being a Dudester have come and gone with the last blackout that left me passed out on the bike path in Venice. I didn’t remember much from that night, but when I woke up with a bedful of sand, I had to call a few people to get the full story.

Where was I?

Oh, I had to move on from the White Russians while still maintaining a healthy dose of Girl Drink Drunk. So, every time I hit a restaurant with a colorful drink menu I have to try one of those wonderfully colorfully expensive creations. It was on a night of one of these splurges, with a hefty hundred dollars plus bill at restaurant famous for what the women wear more than the food they serve, that I discovered the Key Lime Pie Martini and fell in love.

This drink has become an obsession of mine along with my trademark Carrot Cake Shooter. Anytime someone comes to my place, they are assaulted with one or the other, but the Key Lime is indeed everyone’s favorite.

There are several, several, several, I mean several varieties of ways to make this drink. Most involve the traditional vodka, but the really tasty ones drive off the martini path into the realm of rum.

For the traditionalists, this drink is served on a chilled martini glass wiped around the edge with lime dipped in graham cracker crumbs with a stick of cinnamon in the middle.

It is made with:

2 Oz Vanilla Vodka

1 Oz Key Lime syrup

1/3 cup Heavy Cream

Mix this with a bunch of ice in a martini shaker and pour in your graham cracker encrusted cup and garnish with cinnamon stick.

Okay, its alright tasting, but the graham crackers get in the way and what the hell am I gonna do with the cinnamon stick.

Now from my handy bartender’s pocket guide it says this is a shooter:

1 ½ Oz Licor 43

1 splash lime juice

1 splash half and half

Shake it over ice and serve.

First off, what the hell is Licor 43? Can I find it next to the Colt 45?

So, after much searching and experimenting (plus slipping a tip into the heavily bosomed waitress’s tight orange shorts), I have discovered a recipe that agrees with me and doesn’t offend my alcoholic sensibilities.

First, screw the garnish. Anything that gets in the way of getting to the alcohol has got to go.

Now this recipe calls for a bar syrup, or simple syrup, but a touch of sugar will do also.

2 shots full of Coconut Rum

1 shot full of non-alcohol tequila mix

1 shot half and half

Juice of a small lime (never use lime juice)

Bar syrup on a trip once around the cup

Shake this with some ice in a martini shaker. If you don’t have one, empty that plastic margarine container and shake it in there. (Please clean out the margarine first)

This drink goes down like Kool Aid, but has a little bang to it, so watch on the repeat trips. The key is the fresh lime juice mixed with the tequila mix. Without these two together, the drink can be too strong for most people.

Another favorite of mine is the Carrot Cake Shooter. This drink has several other names but I am usually drunk when I debate with the bartender to make me one, so I can’t remember any translations. This shooter is all liquor and not for the faint of heart. I usually chase back to backs of these with a glass of milk. I once shot like fifteen of these in twenty minutes. I called it gettin’ Step Drunk because every step you took, the drunker you got.

You can strain this one over ice, but the best way is to keep all the ingredients in the freezer and float the layers for this prevents curdling.

Fill your shot glass over half way with Goldschlager.

Add a layer of Butterscotch Schnapps.

Add a layer of Irish Cream.

Drink. Drink again. Drink some more. Now go to bed before you start making out with a cactus.

About the Writer

Chef Phatatouille is a writer for BrooWaha. For more information, visit the writer's website.
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