Coffee Shop Etiquette

When visiting a coffee shop or cafe, I always have an agenda. I may be meeting someone for a date, working on a brilliant short story or reading the latest Chuck Palahniuk novel! In Los Angeles, particularly West Hollywood, it seems down-right impossible to enjoy myself while sipping iced coffee or soy lattes for a myriad of reasons:

1. Why do you, Mr. Brooks Brothers suit and perfectly coiffed hair feel the need to order your drink and over-priced baked goods extremely loudly? Why do you have a Coffee Bean gift card in line at a Starbucks and why are you giving the poor soul behind the corner such a hard time when she tries to explain that you are at a Starbucks and not a Coffee Bean? Please pop a Xanax and control yourself.

2. Why do you, Ms. Independent Woman with a $400 stroller not know what you want to order after we have stood in line together for more than five minutes? Why do I know you will order, after several awkward moments of debate, the same thing you told your agent (that is squawking through your Blackberry loud enough for all to hear) you wanted when I got stuck behind you in line: a small ice blended concoction with no whip cream? We both know you have a few more weeks to lose that pesky baby weight and those Mr. Clean commercials will still be up for grabs next month! Indulge!

3. Mr/Ms. Barista: There is no need to make a delightful pun when handing over the finished drinks. There is especially no need to do so in a voice that echos around the neutral colored walls and makes the rats scurry inside the walls. If you want to do voice-over work, call Ms. Independent's agent.

4. Urine Soaked Homeless Man: This coffee shop is too small for you. Your distracting smell now reaches to the farthest corners and the highest ceilings. Everyone here is too busy on their thousand dollar lap-tops, scribbling with their ball-point pens and throwing money away on beans soaked in water to care about you or that you're starving. Let's move it along, k?

5. Ms. Unemployed with a table full of junk: Everyone around is proud of you for being able to afford your cell phone even though you haven't worked in a few months. Please lower your voice or step outside when Sherice calls to ask if you have your half of the rent yet, understandably upsetting you for her "nosin' around yer damn bidness". Why do you feel the need to bring half your apartment with you to the coffee shop? How many magazines can your read at the same time? Is painting your toe-nails in a public place really sanitary? Downsize gorgeous!

6. To the large bearded man with whooping cough: please make an attempt to cover your mouth when you hack in between ciggarette breaks. In particular, try to restrain yourself near the condiment station. I can see your spittle flying over the stirrers from a mile away.

7. To the super fan composing a "Dawson's Creek" tribute video with the volume on your laptop oozing forth: just let it go, the show is over and everyone else has moved on. If you can't accept the fact that Joey and Pacey won't be acting out any new teen-dramatics for you anytime soon, please buy a set of headphones.

Maybe I am just too picky. Who am I to expect a clean, disease free and semi-quiet space in which to enjoy my $5 drink?

Truthfully, as long as there are folks like me rallying for equal-opportunity coffee shop rights, there will be people littered about trying to force me to make java at home and save thousands of dollars a year. It's a constant struggle and I hope the Democrats are ready to add this cause to their list of change for America.

It really could be the one cause that finally brings the party together, in a joyous caffeine fueled step toward a better country...