Friday, October 19, 2018

Dear Gentleman Dressed In Full Camouflage At Wal-mart...

by Shawn Norris (writer), Los Angeles, September 18, 2008


Whatever you do Wang, don't tell them that you're Jewish.

Hi there Jimmy Joe or some variation on Bubba. Oh, excuse me, I couldn’t see the nametag on your shirt Jim Bob. I guess I didn’t expect someone so decked to the nines to be wearing a bowling shirt with his name on it, but more than likely it was because of the other several layers of military grade camouflage and Kevlar that were draped over it.

I must say you certainly spooked me while I was meandering down the isle. All that camo and a bright orange hat really made you blend in amongst the beef jerky. Hey, is that a case of Old Milwaukee with your chum there? Man all dressed up in your best fatigues and your “I hunt white tail all-year round” hat. I’d guess you boys are headed to a South Carolina wedding or possibly some sort of military coup in Bolivia.

Hunting you say? Really?!? I never would have guessed two dapper cosmopolitans like yourselves would be interested in a barbaric endeavor such as the hunting and maiming innocent animals while drunkenly stumbling through the woods telling stories about that one time you almost bagged a 2,000 lb boar and an ample young lady down at the local drinking establishment.

That is impressive! Bagging two hogs in one day must be some sort of personal best for you. And you say she had a Harley tattoo? I’m sorry, it was where? Well my good man, it’s difficult to find a paradigm of the finer sex that's lovely as she sounds. As your counterpart so aptly stated, “That there is a keeper” indeed. That my dear friend is someone you could tussle with until a constable arrived and would still keep the wheels on your mobile castle polished long after you made bail. I bet she saunters around your “park” with only one black eye because she certainly sounds like a listener.

What’s that? You buy your beer, ammo and chewing tobacco all at the same Wal-Mart. You sir are a scholar AND a gentleman...No, I was not questioning your sexuality in my previous statement. I was imply implying it must be pretty tempting to just walk out of the emporium without paying, seeing as you have all the cunning and stealth of a highly trained/slightly inebriated ninja. I mean, I could barely recognize the 6 foot tall, 330 lb behemoth that you refer to as your compatriot and first cousin. Break out the guns because I bet your family reunions are a RIOT!

Excuse me. What’s that? I profusely apologize. Did I cross a line? There is no reason for fisticuffs my good man, for I am a lover not a fighter and am in no mood for a bloody rendezvous in the parking lot. Plus, I make it a rule never to become involved in an altercation with a fellow citizen holding a box of shotgun shells and “I kill for fun” stitched into the front pocket of his overalls.

I am sincerely apologetic for the inconvenience I have caused you and will now leave you to your difficult decision of what flavor of SKOAL to choose for your journey. I bid you farewell and happy hunting to you--you suave mother fuckers.

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About the Writer

Shawn Norris is a writer for BrooWaha. For more information, visit the writer's website.
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3 comments on Dear Gentleman Dressed In Full Camouflage At Wal-mart...

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By AmyO on September 19, 2008 at 01:01 pm

I really enjoyed reading this. Very funny!

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By D. E. Carson on September 20, 2008 at 02:52 am

As a firm believer in the Second Amendment, who has gone hunting and fishing for sport and food, who still has all of his teeth and actually has more than three pairs of overalls, I found this witty little piece of doggerel rather amusing and well-written.

One must, however, understand the difference between a redneck, to which your article refers and a good ol' boy.

Redneck: Unsophisticated simpleton who did not finish high school because he had to drop out after daddy was hauled off to the pokey for getting drunk and betting the local constabulary that he could "whup all they asses with one hand tied."  Rednecks typically don a pair of overalls with no shirt underneath or they will wear very worn jeans with a T-shirt that has been washed so many times that it has shrunk enough to expose the belly fat that hangs over a belt buckle decorated with a John Deere logo or confederate battle flag.  Rednecks will often wander into town (translation: the local Wal-Mart, as that is the cultural center of most any redneck southern town) sit at the snack bar (only your upscale Wal-Mart Supercenters have a McDonald's) drinking coffee and telling lies about each other.

Good ol' Boy: As high school teens, good ol' boys would drink beer they kifed from daddy's stash in the garage and work on cars trying to see who could build the fastest dirt track race car in the county.  They would actually finish high school with a tech diploma that would certify them as a high school graduate AND ASE certified auto mechanic.  Good ol' boys are more sophisticated than rednecks as good ol' boys know that guns are meant for hunting for dinner and defending the home and younger sister's honor; they definitely are not toys.  Good ol' boys do shop at Wal-Mart but occasionally go to Tractor Supply Company as well to pick up and farm tools Wal-Mart does not carry.  Good ol' boys have that deep-seeded American work ethic and when wearing Resistols and Tony Lamas can be confused with real cowboys.  Working on a fence line is not beneath (or above) a good ol' boy's pay grade and most important, a good ol' boy honors God, momma, sisters, family name, country and others in that order before himself.

Thanks for the smile.

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By Lila M. on September 20, 2008 at 02:22 pm

very funny & pretty dead on!

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