"Voters have been waiting for a charismatic leader who knows his or her priorities, is a clear communicator, and has a "can-do" attitude. Running on an independent ticket, without need of campaign financing, may I present Satan and Death for the Presidency of the United States of America for 2008!" Spokesperson Mallory Day exclaims.
Roaring cheers are deafening as Satan and Death emerge from stage fireworks and fog. Satan is wearing a fashionable red body suit and hooves, while Death has chosen an understated black cloak.
"Satan's one priority is to gather the immortal souls of as many as possible. This unification will stop governmental waste, bickering, and sidestepping. Issues are clear-cut from political agendas. With Death as the right hand, anything is possible," continues Day. Her black hair becomes a bit lighter as she finishes. Her skin, beginning radiant, has turned ashen. The crowd roars again. Balloons drop from the warehouse ceiling. Confetti bursts into flames mid-air, without becoming stuck on anyone's forehead. "This presidency's do or die attitude will reform global quagmire into paradise on earth, with America leading the way to perfection."
A Modest Election: The First Interview
In a rare interview with Spokesperson Mallory Day, I was able to get some real answers. Satan and Death don't speak much.
"Simply put, it's the American way, or go away. What could this team have accomplished years ago as Saddam Hussein began his evil regime? Instead of letting Hussein's brilliance turn into violence, Satan could have tapped into the following and recruited. If Hussein resisted, Death could have implemented any of his many tools. For example, plague, cancer, starvation, poison, or immediate heart failure -- whichever delighted the online voters." Hussein's recent condemnation is only evidence of Death's call to action.
"With a strong leadership and precedence, future would-be rebels and mass-murders would be reformed before the occurrence of natural resource destruction. It is awful seeing our Earth's oil fields explode into rubble."
The Threats of the Middle East (and Universe)
"Satan is for unification of all religions, creeds, genders, and races. A compelling argument can be heard on WLVE at midnight every week night. Prejudice is non-existent is Satan's platform. Satan is committed to ending all future violence in the Middle East and throughout the universe."
Now that we've explored some global issues, I'm sure you're thinking that's great. But what can Satan and Death do for us here, in our own backyards?
"Satan will create many jobs. World mortician positions in particular will be in demand. Cemetery and cremation plants will need to be constructed, thus increasing productivity. Reform facilities will change, offering a variety of treatment. Mental health workers in combination with physicians will be needed. New human limits will be explored."
"Satan's call of unification of the American people will be funded by other nations. How about all that foreign aid coming back into American pockets?"
"Satan knows a healthy body is a productive body. Unification calls for a commitment to health until death."
"There is no greater unit in society than the family."
Satan and Death challenge any opponent to live debates anytime. Of particular interest are gun control, prison system and reform, education, and homelessness.