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Friday, December 15, 2017

Viagra Won't Help You Find Your Car Keys.

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A man can make a career out of being middle aged, but sixty just goes by the name old.

Let me start this party by telling you the straight truth....There is absolutely nothing graceful about this getting old business. This is coming to you from one of the original, "Don't trust anyone over thirty," believers. I was seventeen, married and had a child. There was nothing I wanted to hear from some aging, suit wearing, hat carrying (yup, they wore hats and I am not talking baseball caps), briefcase lugging, cookie cutter thirty year old. I used to tell my wife, I was going DIE before I turned thirty.

So here I sit, forty-three years later and the only thing I have in common with a seventeen year old is that we both think Milf's are so totally hot.

Life's road is paved with all these age "milestones." Most will agree, it took a lifetime to finally get to high school and driver's license time, only to discover that at least a hundred years passed before the magical, mystical age of legal booze finally arrived...Ah, twenty-one, without a doubt the culmination of life's purpose! But this roller coaster ride has just begun. Suddenly, you are twenty-five years old and that job you took, You know "That Job", the one, you took reading meters for the summer just to pay the rent, well, surprise that job is now your career.

By thirty, life has put a serious clamp on your genitals. Unbeknown to you, one night, under the cover of darkness, two children have quietly taken permanent possession of couple of rooms in your mortgage. Like it or not, you find that you have to trust someone over 30, since everyone you know is in that age bracket. The future's cement is really beginning to harden.

Then Boom!!!, you are thirty-five. You find yourself NEEDING things, the bigger house, the nicer cars, that boat, the $500 a month motor home that you use every Thanksgiving, when you drive to Grandma's house, at the Salton Sea, and ask for "just a few dollars to get caught up." The upside is that today, you are a supervisor, an executive, that has to be dealt with, with no less than ten meter readers under your direct control. As you slide into your forties, the war is on, as you are consumed by the onslaught of the great battles that seemed to have ensued on all sides, battles to attempt to hang on to all the "things" that were so important five years earlier.

Thank God, You're finally fifty..........it's the new mellow you. Your biggest challenges are keeping the 25 meter readers that represent YOUR team both happy, and productive. That and your continuing attempts to keep your daughter out of the back seat of her piece of s*** boyfriend's 1992 Sentra. Life is good, you have finally gotten over the wife's little 18 month fling with the produce guy at Ralph's and the Rogaine seems to working. You are finally at peace with life, ready to enjoy some of fruits of your labors.

Jump forward and you reach that milestone of milestones..........You are sixty. You no longer are middle aged, no sugar coating, you are just plain old. You may still think the same things you thought when you were 30, but you have reached a new plateau. You hear new words like colonscopy and heart stents. Someone tell me, at what point in a Doctor's career does one decide to become a procologist? I know, the $$$ are in specialization, but just when does one say to themselves........"Yeah, I'm going do butts, not happy butts, but sick butts." Breast implants, I get that, oozing butts, well, I just can't wrap my mind around it.

There are definate advantages to being 60, beside the senior discount on a hair cut. For example, there are grand kids. I, for one love my grand kids, but the real advantage is that you can think about them like motor homes and boats.......They are much better to rent than to buy. I can have all the fun I want, I can spoil them for an hour and then leave when ever I want. Very cool. Life is definately easier. You only need two good books and two great movies, by the time you have finished the second one, you have forgotten the first. For those that need it there is the wonder drug, Viagra. For me, that TV ad that say's, "If you expierience PRIAPISM, an erection for more than 4 hours call your doctor"...I mean what happens? Do you just explode like a bottle rocket? I can picture the following conversation betweena 70 year old and his doctor:

Patient: Doctor, I've had a erection for 5 hours, it's really painfull and I have to pickup my daughter's bible study class in 30 mins.......what do I do?

Doctor: Got any duct tape?

So, the single 60 year old man looks at the 60 year old single woman who just hit on him:

"Is she dreaming? Man. look how old she is, nothing over 40 for me, no way.

So, the 40 year old woman looks at the 60 year old man that just hit on her'

"Is he dreaming? Man. look how old he is, nothing over 40 for me, no way.

Hey has anyone seen my car keys?



About the Writer

Steven Lane is a writer for BrooWaha. For more information, visit the writer's website.
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6 comments on Viagra Won't Help You Find Your Car Keys.

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By Glenn T on April 07, 2008 at 12:31 pm

Brilliant stuff, Steve... and that picture??  Wow, I have a feeling that's going to end up as El G's profile pic someday.

I gotta run ... on my way to the "aging" clinic to pick up some HGH and get a Botox treatment.

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By Lila M. on April 08, 2008 at 03:16 pm

nice piece.  one thing I’ve noticed is that Guys age better.  but us women...well that’s why God created plastic surgery.   and I'll have no shame hittin’ that up when I'm 60.

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By V on April 08, 2008 at 08:00 pm

Aww Steve. Hoping this is just a bad day. Lila M is right, as a society we generally view the aging of men much more kindly. They become sophisticated, distinguished, charming. The ladies are not viewed that way in general at all. We get the real rough end of the stick in not only social stigma but simply dealing with the day to day reality of falling apart - like you men. I'm 32 & a half. I don't know what 60 will bring me, but I'm not scared. For right now, although I lament new developments such as the downward direction of boobies, inches on the hips and waist and a little pot belly moving in... I have no serious issues with my age. I LOVE where I'm at - if but wanting to pretty much never work for anyone else again.

And there are TONS of men over 60 that young women can't keep their minds off. There always will be too because women can more often see more in a man than his appearance than vica versa. It is my belief that men always think they deserve someone much more physically appealing than they themselves actually are. Funny that.

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By V on April 08, 2008 at 08:00 pm

Oh good article!

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By 'Mean' Mike Duffau on April 08, 2008 at 08:03 pm

i don't mind getting old, that's just part of life...just as long as i'm in great condition to put up a fight. great story, kid!

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By TheGuysPerspective on November 28, 2009 at 05:09 pm

"You only need two good books and two great movies, by the time you have finished the second one, you have forgotten the first."

That is classic!! Fun read.

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