Wednesday, January 23, 2019

Radioactive Chickenheads: The Best Music Mutants Can Play

by Gary Schwind (writer), Laguna Niguel, April 07, 2008


Carrot Topp and Cheri Tomato of Radioactive Chickenheads discuss genetic experiments, the conspiracy of Easter, and their plans to trap Chuck E. Cheese. Check out the band's video "Pest Control."

Radioactive Chickenheads is a band of genetically modified chickens and vegetables. At Memphis in Santa Ana, Carrot Topp and Cheri Tomato discussed their music, Bad Bunny, Mike the Headless Chicken, Chuck E. Cheese, and being hit with an entire trash can filled with empty Tecate cans.

For the uninitiated, how would you describe your music?

(Carrot Topp) It’s the best kind of music that mutant chickens and vegetables can play. We aim to do the best music we can.

(Cheri) It’s a little punk, a little rock and roll.

(Carrot Topp) We try to write masterpieces but they don’t always come out that way. We aim high.

Not every piece can be a masterpiece, right?

(Carrot Topp) We try. We try to have a story in all our songs. We have one that’s the story of Mike the headless chicken. It’s a true story of a rooster from Colorado whose owner cut off his head and he lived for almost two years and toured the whole country. We found that story very inspirational because the times that we think about giving up, we just remember that he was decapitated and he didn’t give up.

That sounds like an after-school special.

(Carrot Topp) We were invited to play in Mike’s hometown.

(Cheri) Fruta.

(Carrot Topp) Fruta, Colorado. I don’t know if it was his birthday festival or just a holiday for him. Somebody thought it wouldn’t be a good idea. They got country music instead.

That’s unfortunate. What kind of experiments were the government scientists conducting on Uncle Max’s farm?

(Carrot Topp) They were trying to make the biggest chickens, the biggest vegetables. They were genetically engineering all kinds of things. They were making chickens without feathers, cows that are able to make thousands of hamburgers. All kinds of really crazy stuff was going on. Horrible, horrible experiments. We were able to escape the farm on our own. They were trying to set up a deal with Colonel Sanders and Ronald McDonald. They were trying to maximize their profits and they screwed up a little bit and made us.

It’s good you are there to tell the story. I doubt the media would.

The media don’t really believe it. I’m glad there’s people like you that are reporting this story. Most of the mainstream media outlets aren’t reporting this story.

Someone’s gotta get to the bottom of this. It’s never going to be on the nightly news.

It will be eventually. We’re still getting there.

Baby steps, right?

(Cheri) There has to be some major political scandal that they have to distract from. It has to be something even worse than what happened on the farm, to use that as a cover-up story.

(Carrot Topp) People all the time are eating radioactive farm products. They just don’t know it. We’re here to save all the other radioactive farm products from that. Eventually, well be taking over the whole world. People will soon know.

It’s good to be informed. What makes Bad Bunny so bad?

(Carrot Topp) He’s probably the most badass rabbit that’s ever been. My theory is the government built him as a robot. He’s not really a bunny at all. They disguise him. They’ve created this holiday called Easter where they try to deliver eggs to children. It’s really all a conspiracy to bring genetically modified chickens to different markets and try them out. That’s kind of where we came in. We have a lot of resentment toward Bad Bunny. We had a lot of vegetable friends before. Celery, asparagus, broccoli. He ate them all. They don’t run as fast as carrots and tomatoes. We’re still waiting for our revenge against Bad Bunny. We’re still trying to find him actually. He’s been hanging out in different bars.


(Carrot Topp) Someday soon we’ll find Bad Bunny.

What do you think you’ll do when you find him?

(Carrot Topp) Well, I think I…I know it sounds a little violent, but I think I’ll rip his face off. Just so he knows what it feels like.

That’ll teach him. What’s your beef with Chuck E. Cheese?

(Carrot Topp) Chuck E. Cheese is either a robot or just a guy in a costume. I find that really pathetic. If he’s a person, he shouldn’t be hiding behind a costume. It makes the rest of us look bad. People accuse us of wearing costumes, wearing masks and were a hundred percent real. We’re not organic at all, but real.

Genetically modified, but real.

(Carrot Topp) Chuck E. Cheese, he’s just posing as a giant rat, terrorizing children. We basically just want to help out the kids.

That’s noble.

(Carrot Topp) He’s given a lot of children nightmares. He steals pizzas.

If you would rip Bad Bunny’s face off, what would you do to Chuck E. Cheese?

(Carrot Topp) I’d cut off his tail with a carving knife. We have created a giant mousetrap, like the board game. As soon as we find him, we’ll let that mousetrap drop and catch him and report him to the proper authorities. Let them lock him up for the rest of his life.

What are you baiting the mousetrap with? Cheese, peanut butter?

(Carrot Topp) We’ve imported the smelliest cheese we could find. He won’t be able to resist that. Get him out of his hole.

That’s good thinking. Very wise. What would you be doing if you weren’t making one hundred percent genetically modified rock and roll?

(Carrot Topp) We’d probably be making eighty-five percent modified rock and roll, with fifteen percent organic ingredients.

I guess for a carrot and a tomato, there aren’t a lot of other options?

(Carrot Topp) I’ve tried to get job after job, but I really just can’t get hired anywhere. The only way I can get away with looking like this is going to Hollywood and being in a rock band. Nobody even looks at us when we walk down the street.

I can imagine. They’ve probably seen stranger things.

(Carrot Topp) People just treat us like everyone else over there.

Everyone finds their niche.

(Carrot Topp) In Orange County, people slow down their cars and honk.

(Cheri) Tell us to go.

(Carrot Topp) Throw their soda cans at us and see if they hurt. We’ve been hit by soccer balls.

(Cheri) Granola bars.

(Carrot Topp) And not the soft chewy kind, the Nature Valley granola bars. They’re hard as a rock.

People can be pretty mean.

(Carrot Topp) We’ve been hit by condoms filled with water.

(Cheri) And Sprite. I hate that. It’s all sticky.

That must be hard to wash off. What’s the worst thing you’ve been hit with?

(Carrot Topp) I think the worst thing I’ve been hit with was an entire trash can filled with beer cans.

(Cheri) Tecate.

(Carrot Topp) That was when we played in Mexico.

That’s pretty brutal. Did it take a couple guys to throw that?

(Carrot Topp) It did take a couple guys to throw that. We were actually…

(Cheri) Bitten.

(Carrot Topp) There were bites taken out of us.

They wanted to taste the genetically modified vegetables.

(Cheri) They weren’t afraid.

(Carrot Topp) People saw us, and they were just hungry.

How did they like you?

(Cheri) They came back for more.

(Carrot Topp) We had to escape.

(Cheri) Overall, that show went pretty well.

I can see that.

(Carrot Topp) They told us that means people really love you when they try to bite you. And when they hit you with a whole trash can, they wouldn’t do that for someone they don’t care about.

(Cheri) That’s a lot of work.

Anyone can throw just one can, but it takes some effort and planning to throw a whole trash can filled with cans.

(Cheri) Teamwork.

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About the Writer

Gary Schwind is a writer for BrooWaha. For more information, visit the writer's website.
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