To be honest, I knew that, at some point, this would get difficult. Before this round, I could look at the brackets, and with only a few exceptions, pick the winners right away. But now we’ve gotten down to some of Broo’s best and most profound personalities – and parsing between them is nearly impossible. Writing this has been the most fun I’ve had writing since I joined the Broo. It’s certainly not the best stuff I’ve written, and it goes against the very sage advice I once got in writing humor (to never use “inside” jokes ), but I’ve gotten to know both quite a bit more about my favorite authors, and little bit more about some authors I didn’t know at all. So funny or not, I'm seeing this thing through...
This really has taken on a sort of life of its own – and who knew it would be as popular as it has become? So, it is with great humility and a complete disregard for my own personal safety that I submit to you the results of the Broo Deathmatch Elite Eight:
Ed Attansio vs. Steven Lane
None of these are easy, but here I am again, stuck with my toughest matchup first. These two Broo titans were nearly destined to meet, and I’m certain that no one would complain had this particular clash ended up as a semi-final or final. But alas, he we are, and the show must go on. Not counting Ariel, these are the top two Broo writers ever. A Google search for Ed’s name yields somewhere in the neighborhood of 365,000 hits… and Steve’s only got me a little over 200,000 (and there are a lot of different Steven Lanes – let me tell you; including a doctor, a hypno-therapist and a Fullbright award winner, just name a few). Hey, Ed used to write jokes for Sinbad! Sinbad!!! Just the idea of Ed penning a monologue about dashikis and afros tickles me beyond belief. Steven has an acting career that makes me overwhelmingly envious. His lone acting credit is a stint in one of his own movies as “Carny Freak”… honestly, how can you not appreciate the moxy of a man who casts himself is his own production with such a self-aggrandizing character!? I have a ridiculous amount of respect for both of these talented writers. One one hand, you’ve got Ed, who actually makes me hate San Francisco a little less than I used to… and Steve who is cool in perhaps the hardest locale to be cool on the planet (Simi Valley). Steve’s also a guy who strikes me as being pretty handy with a chainsaw, but with no idea how to use it on trees if you know what I mean. As much as I love Steve, and the seriously bitchin’ insight he gave me into the story dispute on Lawnmower Man, and my hopes that he’ll forgive me long enough to introduce me to Danny Trejo someday… as he proved just too much in every place I looked, the number one overall seed, Ed Attanasio advances to the Brooo Final Four. A wood chipper, indeed.
Nhemerson vs. El G
It has been beyond fun to read NH’s participation in this little adventure. From drinking opponents’ MILKSHAKES, to a one very disturbing interview – this relative newcomer, from relatively nowhere (how many times can I bag on Portland in one series of articles?) has certainly climbed from relative obscurity to produce the tourney’s most shocking upset to date (the defeat of site creator Ariel). But with only three articles to his credit to date, I’m still left struggling to find out who the heck this guy really is… and secondarily, just why in the hell his profile’s “website” link sends me to “Click to Learn Guitar”… El G has a profile statement that is a lot like the movie “Anchorman” for me; every time I go back to it, I find something else insanely funny that I didn’t even notice last time (e.g. the tongue-in-cheek homophobia of the statement: "posing nude for people and homosexuals to sketch his masculine form") I think El G busts through that deep-seeded feeling that comedy types have that deep down they’re funnier than the people they meet… because I know he’s funnier than I am, and unfortunately for NH, he’s funnier than NH is, too. I truthfully can’t imagine a Broo Final Four without El G in it. I imagine that none of you could either. It’s been a great Cinderella run for you, NH… and I hope that you’ve enjoyed the ride – but the "nhemerson express" stops here – guess you should have brought the clown poo. El G is on the semifinals.
Joseph Mael vs. Jen & Tonic
This one tears me up. These are both not only fantastic writers, but also exceptionally cool individuals. Joe Mael, the only other true Clippers apologist on the Broo, can actually verify the fact that I can hold a girl up over my head on one hand (which may, unfortunately, be my most marketable talent). Joe’s comeback to the Broo writers’ ranks has been the feel-good story of the tournament thus far (I only wish I had the production talent to put together a teary-montage SportsCenter Outside-the-Lines style – Steve can you help me out, here?) Joe has to be the most talented, least publicized author I know… a paltry 4,310 hits on a Google search. I can only hope that your success in the Broo Writers’ Deathmatch tournament will reflect itself in your increased readership. But then there’s J&T – a Broo force ever since she penned her homage to ridiculous co-worker caricatures “Too Legit To Quit, But I Wish You Would”, which garnered a still-record-holding 40,000+ hits. I think Ed might actually kill a baby harp seal to have that sort of success with one piece… okay, before you say anything, I know El G would – that’s why it’s only funny to suggest that Ed might, as well. J&T, morning beastliness aside, is the first lady of Broo – and had a laugh-out-loud wit that keeps us laughing along with her well past our better-considered bedtimes. A Google search for J&T yielded a tripled-up 13,000+, including the Jen and Tonic Band (So what are we going to call our band now, Jen!?!), and a revelation that our J&T isn’t the first to use this catchy nickname (perhaps Vodka and Redbull Jen is still a viable option? – 0 hits on Google, it’s still available!) In the end, it’s a battle of the sexes, and from how she tells it, no one sexes like J&T. I hope Joe will still forgive me long enough to attend my long-awaited return to the Clipper hardwood on April 10, but it’s Jen & Tonic onto the Broo Final Four.
Bill Friday vs. V
I think V could really just stop writing and sit back and bask in the fan worship that this little series appears to have inspired. Really, I haven’t cried this much over a marriage that I wasn’t involved in since Kid Rock got a hold (albeit, briefly) of Pam Anderson. V completely demolished my preconceived notions about the fashion business – and is proof positive (now alongside Broo newcomer Ava Marie) that there is not only intelligent life in the industry, but also beautiful, articulate, and well-written life. But Big Bill Friday certainly hasn’t taken this match up lightly, he knows full well he’s taking on Broo’s Marilyn Monroe. Bill’s far too serious of a writing talent to get mired in such sillyness as the Broo Brackets – but that’s really his genius. He can still (despite his ability and experience) have a stupid good time alongside the writing proletariat. V is the latest in a long line of pretty people that the South Hemisphere’s largest Commonwealth representative has offered up: Nicole Kidman, Russell Crowe, Kylie Minogue, etc… But Bill is a man who can appreciate the humor of a name like Diablo Cody, a movie like Pootie Tang, and the humor sterility of today’s politicians all at the same time. He’s a man who knows who Bob McAdoo is, along with his uncomfortable number of his literary doppelgangers. Listen, I’d love to move V into the final four, and I still plan to offer drinks in breast-sized glasses at the party, but somtimes you've got to go with your gut... and no lower. In the elite eight’s only real upset, Bill Friday is on to the Broo Semis.
Well, there you have it folks, the Broo Brackets Final Four: Big Ed A, El G, Jen & Tonic, and Bill Friday. I promise, I really had no idea where this thing was headed a couple of weeks ago, but I think you’ll agree, we’ve got quite the list of semi-finalists. So with the regions decided, it’s off to Des Moines for these writing titans. I’m sure there’s an interesting, fiery, and ultimately silly week of analysis ahead for the Broo Brackets and the remaining three games, and I can't wait to read it.
Thanks to all who have participated so far... you are all great!
The updated brackets are available here:
Where you can still make predictions and print it out if you like...
Semifinal winners will be available on Friday, and the results of the Championship by the end of the weekend...
Have fun with this Final Four and the resulting matchups... And REMEMBER, play nicely, people - In the end, no matter good your stuff is, you'll probably end up with less hits than the E-mail 2.0 masturbatory infomercial.