Dr. Traci vs Mora Ulman
As much of an advantage as it would be to have a naked profile picture – it
looks like Mora is nowhere to be found – and even still, a PhD is a pretty
heavy hammer to wield in this writing battle royale. Dr. Traci wins in a walkover – and now faces
the juggernaut that is Big Ed.
Crowbar vs Tumerica
From their own descriptions:
"Tumerica is a freelance nonfiction writer, foodie, and poet. Tumerica lived for five years in Japan. When not devising strategies to change the world, she devotes the rest of her time to thinking about food."
"As Crowbar, I have traveled the mean streets of America, a strange ten-year odyssey as a street punk, outlaw, and a rebel; crawling through the gutters of the Lower East Side, the woods of Golden Gate Park, the counterculture of Venice Beach and the concrete jungles of the Tenderloin and Skid Row."
…need I say more? Crowbar running away with it at the end – mostly because it sounds like he could seriously, seriously kick my ass. Credo, two words for you: look… out.
Baynurse vs Jeff Weisinger
Okay, listen… I’m not one to go for the cheap laugh… Wait, no, that’s not right. I’m totally one to go for the cheap laugh. Ha! And I cannot imagine a better opening game storyline than to have a self-proclaimed homophobe, whose highest rated article is a "3", has at least three pieces with a solid “1” rating, and whose clairvoyance predicted a successful season for the Raiders (yes, the Oakland Raiders) lose in an opening round game to an enlightened, compassionate, homosexual woman from San Francisco. You can almost feel the self-loathing rage coming off of him! Baynurse, congratulations, you’re into the field of 32.
Mean Mike Duffau vs Jen
By far the toughest play-in matchup… On one hand, you’ve got Jen – who just may be smarter than the rest of us combined (not counting Ed… or Bill) – I mean, my goodness “cell/molecular biologist”??? And then you’ve got Mike, with one of the greatest Broo debut pieces ever, some of the best interviews on Broo to-date, and some serious boxing credentials of his own. I suppose if I don’t put Jen through – she may not cure my cancer in 40 or 50 years… but if I don’t put Mike through – he may well have some of his boxing “contacts” come tenderize my face. Immediate peril is always more convincing. That, and Mike asked a seriously bitchin’ AC/DC question on my behalf – and calls me “Champ” like I imagine Burgess Meredith would do. Mean Mike at the buzzer.
So, there it is, folks. The #8 seeds are set and the brackets have been updated. Don’t bother trying to beef up your profile statements, my criteria will change capriciously and without warning from match to match.
The updated brackets are available here:
Where you can still make predictions and print it out if you like...
First Round winners for the West Coast and Where the Hell is Mumbai divisions will be selected on Thursday night/Friday morning; First Round winners for the East Coast and Red State divisions will be selected on Friday night/Saturday morning.
To answer just a few questions... One, I'm doing this sober - I know that somehow makes it marginally more pathetic - but hey, at least it's still funny. Two, I do finally know where Mumbai is (thanks, Jen). Three, yes I'm serious about hosting a Final Four party in Burbank. And four, no, I'm not going to win it all.
Have fun with the first round matchups... there may be a #8 over #1 upset looming... you never know. And REMEMBER, play nicely, people - in the end we're all still just craftsmen giving away the fruits of our labor for free!