My first few articles on Broowaha were about men. The way we think and sometimes relate to women. Those were unappreciated articles by most, sharply critiqued and appeared to hit a nerve with the anonymous critics, some of who I personally know. Interesting. Anyway, I started writing about other subjects, not really for any other reason other than I know about some other things besides being male. There are those amongst you however that won’t let me forget my past and have challenged me to do it again. I got a lot of emails regarding my writing and recently one of my “fans” assailed me with a ‘STOP WHINING AND GET BACK AT IT’ correspondence and I thought, “Why not?” You know me now. You have seen me laugh, you have seen me cry. You might as well see me as a sexist pig again only this time I’m not going in alone. My friends are here and if you want a piece of me this time you will have to take us all on. At the risk of sounding like a little girl in the presence of my best foursome, I explained to them that I was writing an article on how men think about women and the following dissertation took place and I am not joking. Read on ladies, be enlightened and meet my friends.
Me: Paul, Tim, Logan and Charlie (real names) I am going to ask you some questions in regard to how the male mind thinks. Please keep your answers short and to the point, someone may actually read this.
Paul: How long is this going to take?
Me: Not long. We are discussing men’s minds.
Charlie: See you are already ratting us out. Why do you do this?
Tim: You got like three minutes dude. (Tim always has a basketball in his hands and is always passing and shooting even if only in his mind, as he is now).
Me: Who would you guys like to date the most? A professional woman (for Tim’s sake I explain that this means like an attorney or a doctor), a stripper, a barely legal eighteen-year-old innocent or a professional pool player?
Logan: Who’s hotter?
Me: Probably the stripper.
Logan: Then the stripper.
Paul: The professional if she makes good enough money. You know how much money I have in debts? And this guy at work said you can’t even file chapter 11 anymore or you have to pay it all back. No wait, is the professional an attorney or not? I could ask her about it. Screws that, I’ll just have her pay my bills. I’ll take the attorney.
Charlie: Probably the pool player.
Logan: I’ll take your Mom.
Charlie: I like pool.
Tim: Dude DID YOU SEE THAT? I MADE that shot. I invented that f*cker.
Me: Women are reading this.
Tim: Awesome. Tell them I invented that f*cking shot.
Me: What would you tell your girlfriend if you could just tell her something about you? Like that she doesn’t know. And you wish she did.
Logan: I don’t have a girlfriend.
Me: Pretend you do.
Logan: Oh no. No way man. I tried that once and got outed. Nobody ever let’s you forget that sh*t, like I’ll always be the guy who pretended to have a girlfriend when I didn’t. YOU were the one who told me to at that party in wherever man, in Ventura or whatever, you DID you said it, you did YOU KNOW YOU DID you were all “Girls like it if you say you have a girlfriend” and I kept forgetting her name, oh no, no way. You are writing this in like the news or whatever, I’m not pretending NUTHIN. When I was with Theresa I wish she knew when to shut up. OH NO YOU ARE NOT GOING TO WRITE THAT you know she’s my 2 a.m. DON’T WRECK THAT FOR ME OR I’M KICKING YOUR ASS. I’m not sayin’ nothing else. Why do you do this shi*t?
Me: Okay calm down. Here is what I am saying. Girls are always looking for reasons why we do stuff, why we feel or don’t feel a certain way, why we say or don’t say things, they want clues. They want insight.
Charlie: Bring on that stripper here and I’ll give her some deep insight.
Me: So a girl being hot is what really matters, that’s it.
Logan: Hell yes.
Me: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Logan: AND DON’T TRY AND MAKE UP ONE IN THIS NEWS THING MAN, I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHO’S READING THIS SH*T.
Me: Let’s try this. That same list. Which one would you want to marry?
Charlie: The pool player.
Logan: I’m still going with your Mom.
Me: She’s not on the list.
Logan: ARE YOU TELLING ME WHO I CAN MARRY?
Me: Let’s try it this way. Who is your ideal woman and why? What would make you want to live with someone? What would take it to the next level with a woman and you would actually want to spend the rest of your life with her?
Charlie: I’d take the pool player. Listen, I’m not joking, ok? Look she is already at the bar. You don’t have to drag her there. And she has a purpose. She’s drinking, she’s playing pool, she is an exhibitionist, you know she is because everyone always checks out the pool playing girl. She hangs out with your friends already and probably kicks their ass at pool, tell me that’s not HOT when she can kick your ass in pool. She probably wears a short skirt to shoot in and like your friends are all checking her out WHILE she kicks their ass at pool. I’ll take the pool player.
Tim: (Landing on the floor) “He makes the shot and draws the foul as the crowd goes wild!”
Me: So Charlie what you are saying is that it is important to you that the woman you are with has her own interests, that your friend’s opinion of her is important to you and that you like competitive girls.
Charlie: Huh? No, I’m saying I’ll take the pool player,
Paul: I’m not picking off your list, I’ve seen the girls you date.
Me: So who would you have on the list?
Paul: Brittany Spears. She already had her break down so you don’t have to wait for it, they all melt down you know, at some point. Dude have you seen her HOUSE? Her husband has custody of the kids, she is already trailer trash but she’s rich. No surprises. Simple. Tell them that, no surprises. They all get there at one time or other so you might as well get one that looks good, has made out with Madonna and has no place to go but up.
Me: So what you are saying is that you have a “no surprises” clause. You think that things will always go bad so you might as well see the worst at the beginning and therefore know what to expect.
Paul: Well it’s not really a clause. Unless I’m with the attorney, she would probably want a pre-nup. Not that it matters anyway. They still get your money. That’s why I don’t have any. Why have money so your future ex-wife can spend it?
Tim: You guys wanna play some ball?
Me: We are almost finished here.
Charlie: Wait I take that back. I don’t want the pool player anymore. I’m going with your Mom, too. I don’t want my girlfriend at the bar, that’s where I go to get away from her. If she was there I’d have to go home to get away from her. That sucks. The stripper is probably a skank anyway. What were the other choices? Never mind, I’ll take your Mom. I mean I already had her, you know. Son.
Me: Does anyone want to offer any explanation regarding why guys cheat?
Charlie: Other girls.
Paul: Hot girls. Like her friends.
Tim: SHUT THE HELL UP! We don’t cheat. It’s all in your mind. You guys wanna go to the gym? We can work out or shoot some hoops. Whatever.
Logan: I’ll take the workout. More girls in the gym than on the court. Unless your Mom’s gonna shoot hoops with us.
So there you have it. I cut out nothing but a significant amount of profanity.
I have shared this conversation with you in the hope that you will be understanding and maybe justify some of my earlier articles, which I meant to be very tongue-in-cheek, sarcastic and ignorant. Now that you have been exposed to the company I keep you will no doubt forgive and cut me some slack. So feel free to let the comments fly and trust me I there isn’t anything you can say that my own friends haven’t already said. Especially, about my Mom.