Sunday, September 23, 2018

He Likes The Night Life Since The Day That He Died

by Gary Schwind (writer), Laguna Niguel, February 19, 2008


An interview with 496-year-old undead Smokesylvanian multi-instrumentalist Count Smokula.

Count Smokula is a 496-year-old undead Smokesylvanian musician and member of the Rockabilly Hall of Fame. He has appeared in a promo for America's Got Talent and also appeared on Who Wants to Be a Superhero. He has been featured on The Tom Green webcast and pictured in the USA Today. He regularly hosts burlesque events and he can write songs about people he just met. I asked him about all of these things and he responded in his thick Smokesylvanian accent.

What is Smokulism?

Smokulism is the voild vide faith as revealed unto The Count on the sleepless night of August 18, 1997, after ingesting a rather large vegetarian pizza in the presence of the Russian Madonna. As The Count lay upon his couch of marital discord in Mar Vista, the City of Revelation, suffering from indigestion, his head vas filled vit vundaful bright lights and thoughts vhich revealed the foundation for a better life for all mankind and manunkind, and all vimmens too. It is a vay of eggsistence and a vay to raise vun’s thought patterns from out of the doit and down from the clouds and into the hereandnow, no matter how crappy that present reality may be. It is an airtight ebsoloot revelation (not Absolut, for that is a vodka) and it teaches all how to go on vittin our voild. It is an eekval opportunity skool of thought, and the National Belief System of Smokesylvania. It is trooly a velcomming and add-on faith, for you can keep vhat you had before and just pay $10 for a certificate, and become a real Smokulist. Not a bad deal, if I may say so mice elf.

Give some examples of the miraculous powers of entertainment you displayed as a boy in Smokesylvania.

Vhen I vas a boy in Smokesylvania I played the skveezebox at all the Shlabans (our national bean-eating festivals). I vould play so hard and furiously the people vould spin around and toin into doivishes. Some actually toined into butter, or Parkay if they vent too fast. But I kept playing until they all disappeared. That vas the foist eggsemple of vhat you call “clearing the room” although in Smokesylvania, I actually cleared the country like that.

Other eggsemples included uncontrollable flatulence. However, vhat made mine special vas that I could create entire symphonies and rapsodies from my anoose. Some became vell-known and many Smokesylvanians still sing them today or perform them in the Glipsch Symphony Orchestra.

Vun more eggsemple of entertainment vas I used to stick out my tongue at all the goils and they vould salivate and laugh at the same time. Maybe partly because I vas skinny and vhen I vould stick out the tongue, my pants vould fall to the ground. They found this funny and so they vere amused.

You write songs about people even when you've just met them. Who are some people you've written songs about and which of those songs is your favorite? (by the way, I vould be flattered if you wrote a song about me)

My goodness, I wrote many songs about many people even if I didn’t mate vit them. I wrote songs about many burlesque legends like Dita Von Teese, The Great Swarovski, Lili Von Schtupp, Erochica Bamboo, Polly Peabody, Victoria Vengeance, Rene La Roux and other super personalities like Elvis, Jimmie Rogers, Harry Houdini, Rembrandt, Picasso, Ray Campi, Jessica the Space Alien, Graziela, The Tattooed Lady, Karen Black, Sally Kirkland, Vampira, Lizzardlips, The Mongolian and Xzanthia. The list goes on I tell ya. I could write a song about you too but I think you’d foist hev to dance or throw me a delicious fish to eat.

What was your reaction to being elected to the Rockabilly Hall of Fame?

I vas filled vit shock and awe shucks! Vhat, little ole me, a 496 year old Smokesylvanian skveezeboxer joining the elite company of Elvis, Jerry Lee Lewis, Carl Perkins, Johnny Cash, Ray Campi and the rest of the vild and crazy rockabillies? How could I comprehend this? How could The Great Cod hev bestowed such an honor upon me? I am not voithy! I cried! I vailed! I rocked on!

What would you be doing if you weren't making music?

I vould paint funny, strange and deep pictchas and murals. I vould chase tomatoes day and night, night and day! I vould catch some and make love to them, for although they hev tortured me in many vays I still like their soft, succulent and tasty parts! I vould drink a lot of juice! Ever since I gave up the blood (my doctah said there vas too much cholesterols in it) I’ve been sticking to nice red juices ---beets, raspberries and yum yum, lots of cherry juice! I vould go to some islands and svim and catch mackerels! I vould sleep! I vould dream! I vould bother peoples! I might run for president! I might do nothing! I dunno, I think I better keep making music! It keeps me out of trouble, most of the time! Vhat vould you do?

You can find out more about Count Smokula on the vvv (voild vide veb) at


About the Writer

Gary Schwind is a writer for BrooWaha. For more information, visit the writer's website.
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5 comments on He Likes The Night Life Since The Day That He Died

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By dmysteryman on February 19, 2008 at 02:25 pm

He's a classic! I have seen him appear at various music awards shows in L.A., but never really got to speak with. Thanks, Gary, for bringing this colorful, talented character into the consciousness of BrooWaha readers!!!

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By rockerjones on February 19, 2008 at 06:55 pm

I've always been a fan of Count Smokula's and it's great to see this interview!

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By countbackwards on February 19, 2008 at 09:53 pm

Hey Count!  You got the ten bucks you owe me?

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By Gary Schwind on February 19, 2008 at 11:30 pm

I want to give credit where credit is due. The photo of Count Smokula was taken by Lori Fusaro.

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By JinxiePaleEnchantres on February 21, 2008 at 10:58 pm

LOVE Count Smokula!!   Who else could make the squeezebox so sexy?!

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