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'Surprise! I'm Going To Attack Your Country!

by Aaron S. (writer), santa monica, February 14, 2008

Credit:

President Bush plans to celebrate final months with surprise attack on random country! Don't spoil it!

With just under 340 days left in office, sources in the Bush administration are hinting giddily that President Bush plans to celebrate his final months in the White House with a surprise invasion of a yet-to-be disclosed country. Insiders, of course, have been hush-hush about the attack, saying they don't want to spoil the surprise.

"I just can't wait for America to hear the news!" said Joshua Bolton, Chief of Staff. "We're going all out with this one: bombs, planes, artillery, tanks, armored cavalary, the works. We'll also have bean dip and guacamole for guests. It really will be the Surprise party of the year."

Condoleeza Rice, who requested to be the event coordinator for the Surprise Attack Party, said deciding who to attack was the hardest part: "We went through a list of about a dozen countries...Allies, enemies, neighboring countries. I can't say who exactly was on it, but the Middle East was definitely out. They've been partying for the last few years. We haven't had any major conflicts in South America, or even Canada for that matter, and the President is itching to get his foot there. Whatever happens, it's going to be pretty fucking awesome. A lot of us are pre-partying beforehand. I bought a new dress at Macy's for invasion night. We also hired Paul van Dyk to DJ."

Even the military has been kept in the dark about who they're about to surprise, simply being told to get ready to attack anybody, at a moment's notice, wherever they are. Pilots and tank drivers have been ordered to carry party hats, wigs, and noisemakers at all times, in case of emergency.

The theme for the party, "The Attack is Back!" was decided yesterday by the Party Committee. Secretary of Defense Robert Gates has agreed to MC the entire party, from start to finish. He also plans to hold a candlelighting ceremony during the party, "to show these fuckers how we light it up."

Staffers in the Oval Office have already met with bidding advertising agencies for the party, which will also include a social networking site, cards in various languages, posters, special edition grenades, and action figures for all involved. "We wanted something contemporary, possibly incorporating Japanese toy or manga elements," said Rice. "Something that said, "Holy fuck. I had no idea they were gonna do that this late in the game."

Rumors about a possible invasion have been circling for months now. With a lot of the American public's attention focused on the Hillary-Obama battle for the Democratic nomination, Bush has apparently become strangely withdrawn, prompting concerns from key people in the Oval Office.

"I asked him if everything was okay, and he didn't respond," said VP Dick Cheney. "George sometimes gets like that - depressed, antsy, biting himself, running around naked. But we've been through this before. The final solution always presents itself. I asked him if he wanted to attack a country before he leaves, in my Coach voice, and that got him off the bottle. I gave him a cookie, too. Then he put his pants back on, watched some PGA and went to sleep. We got to work then and there. This type of party planning is hi-stress, so we- that's Bob, Condi, and I- are gonna run the show. We just hope George will be there to celebrate with us and doesn't get too fucked up."



About the Writer

Aaron S. is a writer for BrooWaha. For more information, visit the writer's website.
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8 comments on 'Surprise! I'm Going To Attack Your Country!

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By 'Mean' Mike Duffau on February 14, 2008 at 05:35 pm

the folks that voted for him should be bombed. thanks for the heads up, champ!

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By Aaron S. on February 14, 2008 at 07:14 pm

is the political edge getting too much here? perhaps I should've scrapped this and wrote a valentine's day piece.

if so, here it is: i'm in it. but only for the chocolates. and i'm getting massages for me and the woman tomorrow. that's about as far as it goes.

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By V on February 14, 2008 at 08:24 pm

That should be the cover letter. Your ideas for new business developement. An account you're passionate to land. I laughed out loud a bunch of times.

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By D. E. Carson on February 15, 2008 at 08:27 pm

Hey Aaron!  What a great piece of satire!  I loved every word of it!  It was hilarious.  Almost as good as my take on the inverse correlation between lead and ritalin use.  Keep up the good work.  It's the Dems that take themselves too seriously.

DEC

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By Aaron S. on February 18, 2008 at 04:42 am

Almost as good? That's a shameless plug when I see one...It's 1:30 and I have work on Dio del Presidente, but this isn't satire. We're going to WAR DEC.

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By D. E. Carson on February 18, 2008 at 01:15 pm

C'mon Aaron, I'm just giving you a hard time about being "almost as good." :)  Besides, so what if we invade Mexico?  Ciudad de Mexico, D.F. could use a little renovation.  Invading Mexico would then be justification for the oil connection people keep making with Iraq -- we get more oil from Mexico than we do Iraq anyway.  I say let's go to war on January 19, 2009.  Let the liberals figure it all out.  They believe that America has brought on the world's hatred anyway.  Give 'em a real reason to hate the US.  Just so long as they remember that when islamo-fascists are running their country and we don't come to bail their asses out like we did for France.  More in my latest article "Clinton, Obama and McCain Consider the Fate of the Gitmo Six" and even more in the version on my personal blog: http://decarson.blogspot.com/.

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By Aaron S. on February 19, 2008 at 12:59 pm

Sorry DEC. I might be sleepy, or just retarded, but that was the most convoluted paragraph I've read here. We're attacking Mexican Islamo Fascists in France?

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By madmax427 on March 09, 2008 at 05:45 pm

Does this have anything to do with the Political definition of Truth?! (That being defined as the Truth is whatever We want You to believe at this Moment) Satire? I didn't see any Satire!

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