In yet another twist to the ever-changing political landscape of 2008, a group of two Vietnam veterans and pro-Huckabee supporters have banded together to form 'Vietnam Veterans against the Many Frightening Faces of John McCain,' or FJM for short, claiming that the leading Republican candidate's facial contortions will spark unwanted hostility from foreign nations, damage domestic goodwill, and scare the shit out of everyone.
Randy Zenker, 68 year old resident of Phoenix and fellow guest of the Hanoi Hilton (the POW camp which also housed McCain), leads the charge of the FJM against "John McNasty." Meetings take place in his basement, where posters of the candidate cover the mildewed walls. There he gathers with nearly a dozen other vets , poring over the latest photographs and videos, watching interviews and rallies, conducting analysis of McNasty's facial expressions.
"This one we like to call Anti-Christ," he says, pointing to a poster board of McCain, his eyes bulging out of their sockets. "Here is 'Streetcar named Desire', which he's been using since Iowa. And this one, 'Get me before the diarrhea does' is also one of the popular ones. He used last week at the Jewish Republican Fundraiser in New York."
Zenker, an expert on nonverbal communication, (learned mostly through books on tape and through his son, Darrel, who is taking a high school psychology class), is convinced that McCain's many faces foreshadow disaster and doom for the United States. "I'm all for kicking some Iranian ass, but John's temper is a goddamn train wreck. And you see it in his face- I mean, faces. You gotta keep your cool. That's what I learned as a POW. McNasty never learned that lesson, ever after 5 years at Hanoi."
John Glenn (no relation to the astronaut), treasurer and Secretary of the Dr. Pepper and Tortilla Chips of the FJM puts it: "John's not normal. Normal people don't make faces like that. He's either part alien, or developing fetus, but not human. There's no telling what could happen when he snaps. How is a guy like that gonna survive when the pressure is on? Huckabee can handle that like he handled Iowa."
The group has begun a serious investigation through an unnamed contact at the University of Austin into whether McCain actually is of primate descent, the result of a genetic experiement, or like some other Senators, made entirely from plastic. If such allegations are proven true, Zenker and Glenn would have enough evidence to raise serious objection to McCain's drive to the White House. "Bob Gr-, shit, I didn't say that, don't write that. This guy who works in maintenance at the genetic engineering lab is getting something going for us down there. We can't really talk about it, but pretty soon America will know the truth."
McCain's camp has failed to issue comment on the organization, in efforts to not draw any press about the issue. Terry Nelson however, who has been involved in the candidate's campaign for the past few months, allegedly sent Zenker an email, writing: The many faces of John McCain are a force to be reckoned with. Do not fuck us, or them.
FJM are held every other Wednesday at Zenker's basement at 8 pm. Newcomers are expected to bring snacks, especially Twix and Kit-Kat. Drinks are provided.