Wednesday, September 19, 2018

Apple Introduces Dennis Monk-world's Smallest Mac User

by Aaron S. (writer), santa monica, January 16, 2008


San Francisco audiences at the MacExpo were wowed yesterday by Steve Jobs’ latest unveiling, Dennis Monk, the world’s smallest, thinnest, tiniest Apple user.

“I got the sense that people weren’t as thrilled as we were with the Macbook Air, so I spoke with John Ive (Apple’s Chief Designer) and he told me about a Black Project even I didn’t know was going on.” Indeed, the Macworld community left out a depressed sigh at the sight of the Macbook Air, hailed by the computer company as the ‘World’s Thinnest Notebook.” When Jobs noticed that they weren’t impressed, he was up to the new challenge.

“And there’s one more thing,” uttered Jobs on Tuesday during a press conference at apple headquarters. “I want to introduce Dennis Monk, the world’s smallest Apple user in history.” Jobs then opened up his palm, and held up Monk between his right thumb and forefinger, quickly setting him down on the podium to prevent heavy pangs of nausea. At just 2 inches tall, and weighing 4 oz. Monk has already gained attention and generated considerable buzz in the Mac community.

Monk, who is 33 years and originally from Richmond, Virginia, has been a Mac user since age seven. He studied electrical engineering on scholarship at Cal-Tech, and now works as a Flash developer for Apple in San Francisco. An avid tadpole lover, he is committed to animal and forest conservation, but celebrated for his highly aggressive attitude, especially when defending his employer.

“Hello children. I’m all over these haters who say Apple has lost its edge. Have you even seen the Macbook Air? The iPhone? Steve is one bad, badass motherfucker,” he told journalists at the Apple press conference. “We’re years ahead of anything you pieces of crap can throw at us. And Google? Google can suck my left-”

Placing Monk in his breast pocket with a kernel of candy corn, Jobs told reporters, “Monk is the next revolution in the Apple experience. If we’re creating small phones and hardware, the next logical step is to create the small Mac user. Some people think it’s better to work backwards, but we’re all about working forwards and sometimes sideways if needed.”

Inside sources at Apple say that Monk provided the inspiration for Apple’s latest venture into miniaturizing their products, such as the iPod touch, the Shuffle, and MacBook Air.

“You bastards think this is it, right? You know that bag with the touch and the shuf? It’s twenty feet deep,” said Monk, sitting on Jobs’ collar, the iMic in hand, his voice teeny yet somehow booming. “2008 is going to be the year of the mini. We’re coming out with a iDog, iSecurity, and iSuck, the world’s smallest vacuum cleaner. Ya’ll better watch the fuck out!”

Jobs would not confirm any statements put forth by Monk to the press.

About the Writer

Aaron S. is a writer for BrooWaha. For more information, visit the writer's website.
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3 comments on Apple Introduces Dennis Monk-world's Smallest Mac User

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By Annonymous on January 17, 2008 at 02:21 pm

This gets me going!!!

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By m.zeno on January 18, 2008 at 01:32 pm

...very funny. very funny indeed!

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By V on January 18, 2008 at 06:19 pm

You one funny MoFo : D!

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