Thursday, September 20, 2018

Face Lift From Hell

by Lady D (writer), Perris, Ca, December 26, 2007

Trying to help a friend after a face lift, and realizing our insane obsession with youth

Now we know it is all the rage, youth, or at least the pretense of youth. So here comes the face lift. I mean all the celebrities already get them. And if you’re of the moneyed group, well of course. In order to get f**ked one must get liposucked or at least tummy tucked. And not to mention nose job, eye job, chin lift and the full, pull your face off and stretch it tight and sew it back on.

Now your basic, average, absolute genius of a plastic surgeon will tell you (for those who foolishly get everything done at once) you will only need someone to help you the first 24 hours of your recovery. Meanwhile they tell you to take anti bruising medication for 3 days before the surgery and give you a 60 pill prescription of Oxycontin. Oxycontin the politicians answer to legal opiates. Rush Limbaugh is a junk... Never mind, I digress.
What they don’t tell you is that all the moneyed group stay in a retreat for the next four to six weeks and waited on hand and foot.

However my less than moneyed friend (who will remain the anonymous Ms. A) has counted on some friends to help her. Well she had no idea what she was in for, and neither did her friends.

Now if you are the kind of person who has to go to the hospital for a paper cut, a face lift is clearly not for you. I mean the bride of Frankenstein looked better. Ms. A had stitches on her eyelids across her forehead and so many other places she looked like a homemade jigsaw puzzle. She was also bandaged up like the mummy. However this mummy was also on oxycotin. Now I have seen heroin addicts more coherent and cooperative. If we knew what she was actually saying we might have been able to comply with her demands. However it was hard to comprehend exactly what was being asked for, through the crying times. I myself have a high threashold of pain,of course I have never had my face pulled off and then sewn back on.

Quick more oxycontin, get her back to sleep. I was fired after one day, if one can be fired from volunteering to help. Let’s say my services were no longer needed. I wasn’t completely fired; I was just relegated to walking the dog. Even the dog, who is her faithful companion, seriously wanted to stay at my house until her owner was back to her old self. Or new old self.

She had the services of several friends through this time. Some are still keeping their distance.

About 2 weeks after the surgery my friend is still in bandages, looking like something, from “the revenge of the mummy.” However she is now mobile.

She decides to go for a stroll (oxycontin has reduced her brain to “I know it didn’t make sense, but it seems like a good idea”). As she approaches some boys walking down the street. They say “Happy Halloween” and start laughing. To which she replies “Happy Valentine’s Day”, and continues strolling down the street completely oblivious (Oxy such a wonder drug). Correct me if I am wrong, but isn’t half of DC on the stuff.

Apparently, you’re not supposed be doing anything after this type of surgery. You are supposed to lay back so the skin can tighten and gravity will not be as able to do its work as quickly. However gravity is one of the universes big laws and it will always prevail. Then there is the Law of Attraction, but I digress.

Ms. A however, is gardening and moving furniture. Of course when mentioned, “Didn’t the doctor say….” A scowl is formed and something about “ I know, but I can’t just lie around and….” To which I quickly grab the dog and go on our walk, (yes, the dog still wants to spend more time at my house) to both our reliefs.
Well since then the bandages have come off and life has come back to normal. And the debt is being paid off. Will the debt last longer than the lift? I view it like a new car. By the time you pay it off, it is an old car. Well at least the dog is at home and still recognizes her owner.
So when I look in the mirror in the morning and see my puffy eyes and possibly a few lines that weren’t there the day before and I entertain the idea of a face lift. Suddenly a loud sharp inner voice says to me, “Are you nuts?” “Maybe this has to do with the fact that you work two jobs and are going to school, also you don’t eat right, know how to relax or exercise.” “If you take proper care of yourself and you still feel you need a face lift, you ….” I have a very outspoken inner voice.
So people have you been entertaining this way to a new youthful you?

Well this was not to discourage you, but to enlighten. We all want our youth back. Now that we know what we did wrong and well we can fix it, or not. The point being, and yes I do have a point.

How we see life is how we feel about ourselves. Yes, a face lift or a few other things lifted may do the temporary (I just saw my neighbor the dance instructor go by) temporary can be good.

However I know that when I really love myself warts and all, I just don’t see those warts.

So if you have come into some extra financial abundance this holiday season. Try thinking Mutual Funds. Old and unwrinkled can temporarily be attractive. But rich at any age is always attractive.

About the Writer

Lady D is a writer for BrooWaha. For more information, visit the writer's website.
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1 comments on Face Lift From Hell

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By Steven Lane on December 26, 2007 at 11:53 pm
sounds like a sequel to "Saw"
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