Tuesday, December 18, 2018

It's His Birthday, for Christ's Sake!

by Ed Attanasio (writer), San Frickin' Frisco, Baby!, December 18, 2007


Santa Claus has stolen the limelight from Jesus on his birthday and it's just not cool!

Christmas is all about gift giving, Santa Claus and caroling; overeating and sleeping in; egg nog and mistletoe; wild office parties and designated drivers.

It's about getting together with relatives you cannot stand and sitting in airports for hours on end; driving around mall parking lots and dealing with screaming brats and teetering seniors.

It's about putting lights on the house without falling off the roof; killing a perfectly nice evergreen tree and keeping it alive in your living room with sugar water until December 26th, when you dump it on the corner like an unwanted stepchild. It's your Aunt Irene's terrible Jello fruit mold and Grandma Victoria's "Armageddon survivor" fruitcake.

My question is -- before we get totally lost in all the hoopla -- what the heck happened to Jesus? I mean, isn't Christmas supposed to His birthday? How and why did Santa Claus and his entourage push Our Savior to the back pages of the newspaper, across from the Suduko, Word Jumble and obituaries?

How on earth did the Big Guy from Heaven fall so fast? And how can He make a comeback? I mean, if John Travolta and Mariah Carey did it, surely Jesus can figure out how to get back on the front page, without killing someone or entering rehab.

There's no doubt about it -- Jesus needs a complete makeover.

My advice to Our Lord is to hire a new, hip publicist and start appealing to the teenagers and 20-somethings of the world. Change water into Red Bull. Get a newer robe with a higher thread count. Put pictures in the Bible. Better yet, make it a pop-up book. Did you know that they have Grecian Formula for beards now? Do some 8-minute abs. Get on myspace or facebook. Write for BrooWaha. Go on Springer or Ellen. Get your own video game.

And Jeez, change your back story. The whole part about the crucifixion needs to be spun a little differently. No one likes to hear about a guy getting strung up on a cross and being left to die. It's not warm and fuzzy. It's dark and bloody. It scares kids and grosses people out. Tell folks you got hit by a chariot or abducted by aliens or snatched up by some cult, I don't know.

I do like the swaddling clothes in the manger part of the story, however. Stick with that and maybe expand on it a little. Everyone's encountered an overbooked hotel and people will always gravitate toward the  local kid makes good and rags to riches' type of thing.

And spruce up the three wise men bearing gifts concept. Alter the story to where they're the three baby daddy's -- iIt's more contemporary. Maybe change their presents to an iphone, a Nintendo Wii and some Viagra. I mean, who evens knows what frankincense and myrrh are anyway? No one from this century, that's for sure.

I am not trying to be sacrilegious here. I believe in God and I amm a big fan of Jesus. I was raised Catholic. I saw  Hair⠝twice and actually sat through "The Passion" even though I knew the ending.

People will be upset over this article, because religion is a very sensitive subject. I know enough to avoid the topic at parties, believe me. Many of my friends are Jews, Scientologists, Atheists, Buddhists, Amway Sales People, Members of the Raider Nation -- even Ignostics (that’s the religion where you think there's a higher power but are too ignorant or apathetic to bother figuring out what you believe).

I respect your religion, whatever it is. I have no problem with your God, whoever he or she may be. Just don't try to convert me or ask me to go to bake sales or buy raffle tickets.

I just feel like The Most Holy One deserves more press than He'ss getting, especially on His birthday. If it weren'tfor Jesus, we'd be spending the holiday season waiting for "Dick Clark's Rocking New Year's Eve Special" and watching over-hyped college bowl games.

Without Jesus, there would be no Santa. There would be no Christmas tree. There would be no Uncle Jack to fall asleep after dinner and drool all over your parent'ss loveseat. There would be no teeth shattering fruit cake. And there would surely be no reason to run up your credit card bill buying useless stuff that will all eventually end up as ancient landfill long after mankind is a painful afterthought.

So, let's put Christ back in Christmas and put a big  X over Xmas. Letss throw Him the 34th birthday bash he never resurrected Himself in time to enjoy. For Christ's sake  it's the right thing to do. After all, He did die for our sins. (Question: Does that include the ones we haven't committed yet?)

About the Writer

Ed Attanasio is a writer for BrooWaha. For more information, visit the writer's website.
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9 comments on It's His Birthday, for Christ's Sake!

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By Ivan Homeless on December 18, 2007 at 11:57 pm
Did you intentionally merge Agnostic and Ignorant to come up with Ignostic - or is that just a funny typo? also, the X in Christmas is the actually the Greek Letter Chi and in Greek the first letter in Christ's name). I am one who's holiday has also been swallowed by the commercialization of Christmas - I hear ya, man.
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By Steven Lane on December 19, 2007 at 12:31 am
Ed, you are a funny guy, I love the change water into red
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By Alex Dezen on December 19, 2007 at 01:40 am
And what about the Easter Bunny?! What the fuck? Try and figure that one. Dead man rises from the grave, two thousand years later, little kids are running through your yard looking for buried eggs.
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By Annonymous on December 19, 2007 at 08:26 am
Christmas is only nominally about the birth of Christ. The traditions of Christmas are largely pagan. Gift-giving is borrowed from the Roman Saturnalia and the symbolism of the tree comes largely from Yule. But don't just take my word for it, Google Christmas + pagan and you'll find no shortage of information about the pagan origins of Christmas.
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By Annonymous on December 19, 2007 at 10:04 am
who is this jesus of whom you speak?
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By Ivan Homeless on December 19, 2007 at 01:33 pm
I think it should be added to the dictionary - if Colbert can have Truthiness then Attansio can have Ignostic :-)
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By Jen on December 19, 2007 at 03:00 pm
Well...I'm an "Ignostic", but it’s not because I'm Ignorant…quite the contrary. I'm a scientist and have been since birth. Not being raised in any particular religion I have taken communion (no...I wasn't supposed to but I did), read at both Christian and Jewish saders, and I've even lit candles on my friends menorahs. I have taken a score of classes about religion and when I put all the data together I see no conclusive evidence on the existence of a "spirit in the sky", but there are plenty of phenomena that I believe to be real that cannot explained by science alone...where the simplest explanation is the existence of some sort of spiritual plane...of which God…as we understand him may be a member. Jesus was definitely a prophet, a leader, and a martyr. He was a rebel rouser and he made people think. For that he was murdered. I’d wish him a happy birthday, but…as I understand it we’re a little late as he was probably born closer to the month of October. Its not our fault…blame it on Constantine. When people ask me what I believe I tell them “I believe in the force…yeah that one…the one Obi-wan told us about” Having said all that…Merry Christmas to all you Broowahaians and may the force be with you.
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By Rose Mountain on December 31, 2007 at 06:37 pm
Great article Ed, I'm sure I'm the last person that you expected here, to say I too believe in God, Divine Spirit, Jesus. Jesus was heart-evolved, compassionate, a revolutionary for the people. He went up against the money-changers and those in positions of power that were hurting the people. Much like Gandhi and Martin Luther King Jr. I've always loved that Jesus healed people, befriended and helped those that were social outcasts, exemplified love in action. Told all the children to come to him. So now you know why I'm a liberal. Happy New Years Ed! And God Bless You. PS I gave your article an Excellent Vote & Review, it's the first time I've ever voted on any of your articles.
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By Rose Mountain on December 31, 2007 at 06:49 pm
PS--My father is a liberal, a minister, has worked for social justice, civil rights. Worked with scientists for over 40 years who also believe in God, and together they teach classes to show there is no contradiction between science and faith in the Divine.
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