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Bioterror fears? Bush says

by yesteryear (writer), Bay Area, December 16, 2007

Credit:

President Bush and a number of corporate CEOs gathered this week to reassure the American people that they will be protected in the event of a bioterror attack -- through increased shopping.

With consumer confidence at its lowest level in years, and American retail giants reporting an extremely slow Christmas shopping season, President Bush invited a group of scientists and corporate CEOs to Washington Friday to remind the American public that shopping isn't just good for the United States' economy - it's also good for public health.

The President gave his opening remarks, "My fellow Americans, please welcome my good buddy Dan Fowler to the podium. Him and all of his guys at the American Board of Corporate Donors, Elders and Financiers have been working real hard and I think you're gonna like what he has to say." After his remarks, the President was quickly escorted back stage to watch the last ten minutes of Dora the Explorer, his favorite television show.

"I'm here today to report that a vast majority of the American public has been dealing with one form or another of bioterrorism for years. From the chemicals used to sanitize the clothes we wear, to those we use to simply brush our teeth, we are literally swimming in a sea of synthetic agents far more harmful than anything a terrorist might be able to weaponize and use against us." said Fowler, speaking for all 371 of ABCDEF's member corporations.

He went on to explain that most of the chemicals, biological agents and weapons of mass destruction the Bush administration suspected were in the hands of Saddam Hussein, and now suspects Iran and Al Qaeda to possess, were actually created in American laboratories, to be used in consumer products.

"For over 50 years our country's top scientists have been developing more and more insidious and deceptive ways to keep the people of America coming back to the same products over and over again. These chemicals have been used to deteriorate most of the American consumer's skin, bone mass, and internal organs. Through a careful, calculated, and virtually undetected destruction of the American physical makeup, our team of researchers discovered that those who used products with these altered components for over 12 months became physically addicted to the substances and were therefore a steady and borderline ravenous market."

"Originally this was thought to simply be a gigantic step for branding and
market definition, but it has recently come to our attention that the American form of consumerism has accomplished something far greater."

Fowler then gave the floor to Jolene MacNally, Head Researcher for Sally Hansen Industries, Inc.

"I would like to announce today that the women of America are safe from bioterror thanks to the creams and lotions they use everyday to remove unwanted hair from their upper lips, eyebrows and bikini lines. We would like to urge American women to stand united as they purchase and use Sally Hansen products in preparation for a possible release of Mustard Gas into the atmosphere. Our studies have shown that prolonged exposure to our products create a tough outer layer of slightly burned skin that may actually serve as protection in the event of such an attack."

MacNally went on to explain the benefits of using products from other member corporations in the Beauty and Personal Care division of ABCDEF, including Tampax, Johnson&Johnson, Loreal, Cover Girl, and Helene Curtis.

Next at the podium was Mitchell Flannery, Spokesperson for Jack In The Box Restaurants.

"The men, women and children of America need not bother themselves with worries of a possible contamination of food supplies, they have been eating food far more dangerous for over 35 years right at their neighborhood Jack In The Box. The hormones we inject into our cattle and poultry, as well as the befouled grains and radioactive water they themselves consume and digest, are all passed on to our customers. Dining at Jack In The Box insures corrosion of the teeth, stomach lining, intestines and colon, creating an impenetrable shield against anything a terrorist might try using."

Flannery also quoted studies performed by researchers from Applebee's Restaurants Inc., Frito-Lay and its' brother and sister corporations, as well as Coca-Cola, Nabisco, and Keebler Industries.

The final speaker, Pearl Newton, from the Tide Corporation and Head Chairperson of the Home Care and Cleaning division of ABCDEF, excitedly announced that use of Tide clothing detergents, Dawn dish soaps and Glade air fresheners almost entirely diminishes any chance of harm caused by close proximity to a nuclear attack.

"Just yesterday a report from the fine people at Lysol crossed my desk with statistics proving that people who inhale chemicals used in their toilet bowl cleaners, mildew removers, and multi-purpose disinfectants are immune to chemical agents. The terrorists may have what are called "dirty bombs", however, these and other studies show that the average 7 year old American child has encountered enough nuclear waste in his or her short lifetime to withstand extremely high levels of radioactivity."

In a preemptive response to possible negative questions and remarks from the press, Fowler returned to the podium to defend what some opponents have called "The gradual mass murder of Americans".

"The corporations involved in this coalition are proud to take credit for the fact that today's America is immune to most toxins and germs, thanks to the innovation of our scientists and market analysts. These evil-doers may attempt to poison and infect us, but what they do not realize is the one thing that is communicable in the United States is our strong will and determination, and it's spreading faster than any case of Anthrax or Small Pox!"

Speaking up over the cheers and applause of the large crowd of corporate spokespersons, Fowler made a point to also congratulate a group of individuals he considers a 'partner' in ABCDEF's great achievements.

"None of this would have been possible without the great efforts of the Food and Drug Administration. On behalf of all the corporations represented here today, I extend my gratitude to the FDA for giving us the green light to carry out these truly important advancements in the physical constitution of America."



About the Writer

yesteryear is a writer for BrooWaha. For more information, visit the writer's website.
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1 comments on Bioterror fears? Bush says

Log In To Vote   Score: 0
By Jen on December 16, 2007 at 07:42 pm
Evil doers suck! Brilliant article.
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