Monday, July 23, 2018

I Want My Lead-based Paint!!!

by D. E. Carson (writer), , November 21, 2007

Noting the inverse correlation between lead exposure and Ritalin use.

With the recent scares of lead-based paint on toys coming to America from China, there is something that I have to consider. Is it just me or is there an inverse correlation between the amount of lead exposure and the use of Ritalin?

When I was a child, we had lead-based paint, leaded gasoline and other forms of lead in our environment and children weren’t being diagnosed with ADHD or other mental problems. As soon as we began reducing lead exposure, we began seeing an increase in ADHD, gang violence, anorexia, bulimia, teen depression, liberalism, Islamo-fascism, anti-Americanism and socialism. It seems to me that when children had greater exposure to lead – like when cars were burning leaded gasoline – children were more docile, less prone to lashing out against authority or joining stupid, worthless street gangs and engaging in all kinds of felonious behavior. There were fewer incidents of teenagers drinking and driving or taking drugs. There was more respect for other people’s property and feelings.

Now without our daily dose of lead, people are more selfish. They only care about themselves. People would rather kick, punch, claw, scratch, dig, bite or slap someone else in order to get what they want. Consider how people behave on the Friday after Thanksgiving: the mobs of insane animals that press against the doors of stores waiting for them to open at such unholy hours as 4:30 in the morning. Look at even the fools who camp out beginning sometime the day before, missing Thanksgiving dinner to sit on a stupid line in the hopes of being the first in line to buy the newest and most-improved turnip twaddler. Rational, clear-minded, lead-laden individuals do not behave in such a primitive manner. People consuming their daily required dose of lead prefer to stay home and have Thanksgiving dinner with their families and be thankful for what they have and then sleep late on Friday after Thanksgiving. They aren’t bothered by the overwhelming need to go out into public and make complete fools of themselves.

Children on lead played games of pickup baseball on the empty lot on the corner of the next block over. They rode their bicycles for fun. They knew that talking to strangers was a bad idea and they didn’t do it. Additionally, children on lead played such playground games as cops and robbers where the cops would catch the robbers and all of the bad guys were sent to jail.
Lead-laden children knew that they had to try out for the school sports teams and that if they didn’t make the team, they accepted it and worked extra hard for the next round of tryouts hoping to do better. Children exposed to lead did not talk back to teachers in school and if they did, they were immediately taken to the principal’s office where an additional dose of lead was administered in the form of the lead-based paint on the principal’s paddle. Children on lead were afraid to fail a grade in school because it meant that they wouldn’t get to be with their friends anymore. Any failing grade in a class meant that a person forfeited his privilege to play on the school sports team until that grade was elevated. An “F” on an assignment might buy a chance to do the assignment over but the main consequence meant the best grade available would be a “B”. Most of the time, though, there were no do-overs and children on lead were keenly aware of all of these consequences so they worked to do the best they could – the lead made sure they did their best. Their brains were fully functional because of it.

Now, children do not contain lead. Lead held their brains together. Without lead, their brains aren't congealing like they should and some of the more important parts are leaking out through their ears. As a result, children are becoming wholly stupid. They are becoming mindless lemmings willing to believe whatever they are told without questioning if what they’ve been told has any validity. Children are becoming stupid and lazy – as evidenced by the increase in such criminal acts as tagging, vandalism, theft, rape and murder by children as young as the age of 10.

It’s time to bring back the lead content in paint and gasoline. It seems that China knows the social benefits of lead – otherwise, why else would Chinese manufacturing companies continue to use lead-based paint?

About the Writer

D. E. Carson is a writer for BrooWaha. For more information, visit the writer's website.
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7 comments on I Want My Lead-based Paint!!!

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By D. E. Carson on November 21, 2007 at 06:46 pm
Just so you all know...this is called satire.
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By shellbelle on November 21, 2007 at 09:13 pm
I was already grinning with delight at your article, and then I read your comment pointing out that this is satire, and now I can't seem to stop giggling. Simply brilliant. Thank you.
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By D. E. Carson on November 22, 2007 at 12:47 am
I'm glad you liked it. Thank you for your support!
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By L DeSilva-Johnson on February 16, 2008 at 06:25 pm

I'm kind of in love with this article.

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By Speedbump on May 17, 2009 at 06:53 pm

Good satire.

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By Speedbump on May 17, 2009 at 07:13 pm

What’s this “There was more respect for other people’s property and feelings.”  Are you're pining for more respect for other people’s property and feelings?  Feelings?  Isn’t that comment of yours here like the opposite, flys in the face of many of your comments elsewhere?  You certainly were more than a bit hypocritical when you wrote elsewhere “some whiny, thumb-sucking.”  What about the feelings of those you called “some whiny, thumb-sucking”?

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By D. E. Carson on May 20, 2009 at 07:31 pm

First you call this "good satire" then you have the unmitigated gall to criticize me for calling people out on being whiny, thumb-sucking crybabies.

I have no sympathy for people who are thumb-sucking crybabies because most of them sit around and bitch about what the government isn't giving them instead of going out and earning it themselves.  They want to be coddled like babies by the government.  Frankly, if that's what they want, I'm sure France would welcome them with open arms.  America wasn't built by thumb-sucking crybabies.  It was built by people who had guts, backbone and balls to stand up in the face of opposition and work their asses off to make something happen.  America is currently being run by a bunch of thumb-sucking crybabies who think that they are owed something because they are Americans.  The truth is, when you're born, the only thing to which you are entitled to is the whack on your butt the doctor gives you to get you started breathing.  After that, you are on your own.

As for this article, it was written as satire.  Leave it to a thumb-sucking crybaby like you to take it seriously.

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