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Friday, October 20, 2017

Costumed Commandos of an Ever-Burgeoning Apocalypse

by Gary Schwind (writer), Laguna Niguel, October 20, 2007

Credit:

Ãœberband, from Los Angeles is The Greatest Rock Band Ever. Just ask the lead singer, RyThoJo. On 17 October, I was granted an audience with him at DiPiazza in Long Beach.

How did Ãœberband become the greatest rock band ever?

Überband became the greatest rock band ever by sheer fate. I don’t know how we became the greatest. We just decided that we were. And various people over time have started to agree with us. We decided to allow them to have that thought.

Very big of you.

The name started as a joke. We’re Überband. We’re the mightiest. Then we started to play more and we started to believe in ourselves and roll with that whole theme. It’s good. People get into that concept.

I imagine they do. There must be something to seeing the greatest rock band ever.

All of this is going to sound entirely conceited but I always hear after shows, “I didn’t get it. I don’t really like you guys at all.” Or “You’re my favorite band ever. I’m going to follow every move that you make.” Or “I don’t understand it, but I think I’m going to come back because I think it’s better than I realize at the moment.” And there’s something pretty cool when someone says you’re their favorite band ever. Or when someone proclaims you a genius. Or even better when the bouncer at the club who sees 9,000 bands looks forward to when you come back.

What happens to the band that dares contest your status as the best rock band ever?

They shall die a miserable and public death. They shall die a poor fleeting existence in the short memory of the public. No one’s challenged us yet.

Why would they?

I haven’t even heard anything from the Stones.

They know better. They’ve been around the block a few times.

They do know better. Keith Richards is about to turn into a pile of ashes at any minute, so he’s not about to get into a fight with anyone.

What exactly was Satan’s message to you?

Satan woke me in the middle of the night and he said that I had genius brewing in my bottom. I chose to regard him as an authority, being Mephistopheles. I said, “If you’re right about this then I will run forth with my genius.” He said to be sure I use plenty of Pixie Stix, Tang and all sorts of powdered sugary substances that would create a chemical reaction in my bottom to create genius. I don’t think anyone else is privy to this information.

I guess they might be now.

They might be now, but when you’re the pioneer, who can contest?

How did he know that it was emanating from your backside?

It’s a public thing during our shows. My backside makes an appearance usually. Secondly, many women have spoken of it. Thirdly, where else is genius that Satan’s going to pay attention to originate? It’s not gonna originate in the mind. All sorts of people on that bright light heaven-y side, they’ve dealt with that. With Satan, it comes from the bowels.

That makes sense. Describe your music for someone who’s never heard it.

I would describe it as an evil amalgamation of metal, jazz, and funk. Mr. Bungle creating angry butt sex with Devo and Zappa.

(a brief conversation with the bartender about the merits of Devo and Zappa ensues)

You’ve got a disciple.

There are many, sir.

I’m sure there are.

What was I describing? How to describe it to the layman? The layman would describe it as awesome, a bag full of awesome.

You can’t beat that with a stick.

You could try.

Describe one of your shows.

I’m not going to make a total play-by-play narration. What happens is an onslaught of the senses. We come out as variant costumed commandos of an ever-burgeoning apocalypse. I’m RyThoJo. I’m the King Wizard. Not in any sort of KKK sense. Just a wizard. There’s Doctor Mick who handles the medical side of what we do. We have The Jewish Fury, the Jewish superhero on drums. And right now we’re without a bass player, but usually it’s C-Mac. He’s a cross between a hillbilly and a gangsta.

He’s gangstabilly.

He’s gangstabilly. We just raise hell for the allotted time.

That’s a good way to do things. This is something I ask of everybody. What would you be doing if you weren’t…

Where were you when you wrote “Let it Be?” (laughter)

You wrote “Let it Be?”

I had a part in it. Me and Paul. My original title for it was “Anal Romp.”

That’s probably not as radio-friendly.

It wasn’t then.

It probably wouldn’t be now, not in George Bush’s America.

Phil Spector’s producing it again. I think he’s gonna reconsider “Anal Romp.”

Why wouldn't he?

(singing) Anal romp, anal romp…speaking words of wisdom, anal romp.

I think The Beatles missed the boat on this whole thing.

They weren’t that bright.

You’ve got to please the audience, I guess.

Right. Hippies.

What would you be doing if you weren’t playing music?

If I wasn’t playing music, I’d be a quantum physicist. I don’t know what more to tell you about that other than I like the idea of going into the inner space. This is absolutely no exaggeration, but YouTube can be used wisely and you can find loads of educational videos on this very topic.

Is that right?

It’s mostly about tits, and pop culture references and people lip-syncing songs in their bedroom. When you pass through that muck, you can actually learn something about relativity, quantum mechanics and you can learn calculus online for free. It’s pretty awesome.

Tell me something about quantum mechanics.

It doesn’t quite match up with relativity. Quantum mechanics explains everything in the subatomic realm. Relativity basically explains everything in the atomic realm. They don’t agree with each other on a couple of topics. Mostly how relativity says that energy comes only from matter, and matter comes from energy. They just exchange forms and don’t create anything. Quantum mechanics says that shit appears out of nowhere and there’s nothing you can do about it. String theory is the new thing that tries to unify the two together. You need at least eleven senses instead of five to actually figure out how that works. (belches heartily)

I’ve met lots of bands and lots of musicians and none of them have discussed quantum mechanics with me.

Obviously, they’re missing the boat, and a lot of bands just aren’t that bright. You don’t have to go too far. I’m sure you could talk to any of these people.

I’m going on YouTube and I’m going to look up quantum mechanics.

Do so.

I feel grossly inadequate.

You’ve obviously been misusing the internet.

For more about the greatest rock band ever, visit http://www.uberband.com/uberstuff/frameset.htm.


About the Writer

Gary Schwind is a writer for BrooWaha. For more information, visit the writer's website.
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1 comments on Costumed Commandos of an Ever-Burgeoning Apocalypse

Log In To Vote   Score: 2
By M.J. Hamada on October 20, 2007 at 07:08 pm
"Mr. Bungle creating angry butt sex with Devo and Zappa." Wow, that's quite a description. I've checked out their site. Yep, the Mr. Bungle influence is clear. "High School Girls" sounds like a raunchy Weird Al song.
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