MIRACLE MEMORY REVITALISER. riginal.
In the studio with me today i have 103- year- old Eric Dribble (on occasion) who turned his failing memory into a powerful tool. Eric, welcome. Are you ready to be drilled?"
ERIC:" Bore me."
Riginal:" Eric you were saying before we came on air that you found your memory was failing. Indeed, it must have been a nuisance getting out of your car with your retractable seat belt on prior to vege shopping and driving...how did you overcome this Eric?"
ERIC:" Well young bland, first i lengthened the seat belt."
R:" And how did this help Eric?"
ERIC:" It enabled me to have a wider choice of vegetables, the main veg i like, right down the back of row 10, capsicum alley, was now doable, within my grasp due to the extension. Edith."
R:"So, you're a lover of Edith's bright red capsicums?"
ERIC:" No, i just told you, Edith."
R:"I see, so you had an ulterior motive for gracing Edith's last stand?"
ERIC:"Well, Custer would have had a last stand if he had of belted off.Yes, the extra distance not only allowed me more exercise, Edith reminded me that my seat buckle was still connected."
R:" Eric in effect, your seat belt actually became a type of barrier, cordoning off the market, plus the fact that you hung 'scene of a crime do not cross seat belt' stickers every three feet. Was there an advantage in that?"
ERIC:" Well Rig, the answer is two- fold. (A) i got first squeeze of Edith's hot red capsicums, (b) i got second squeeze of Edith's hot red capsicums, and (C) i got third squeeze..."
R:" ...of Edith's..."
ERIC:" Will you let me finish without me interrupting?... (c) i got the first third squeeze of Edith's palm."
R:" Sorry.Oh i see, you held Edith's hand."
ERIC:" No, Edith's palm- coconuts."
R:" Oh i see i see, but why would you want to squeeze Edith's palm?"
ERIC" Look! i'm 103, i used to shake her palm to dislodge and catch her coconuts, but as you get older you will find that a squeeze is all you can muster."
R:" Look Eric we must leave Edith's stall. Otherwise the interview will vegetate like the Cabbage Patch Dolls who disappeared into the seedy mix of fowl play side dish. Coleslaw evidence found by vege forensic led by Chief Inspector Remorse. Buried in vinegar on shifting plate May onn aise island. Lemon squeezed, ricelated and creamed before their time. Terrible tragedy. Devoured in the springtime of their roots. Day of mourning at the veg market.Terrible. Capsicum choir overwrought. Pastor Pasta delivered the eulogy. Couldn't recite his vege tables for weeks afterwards. Held mass, wouldn't accept a celery...not even from those who turniped up late. They shall be saucely missed."
ERIC:"Yes, left a bitter taste in my sour Kraut."
R:"Eric we must move on, you were saying how a unique vegetable restored your memory to the extent you no longer exit your car with your safety belt on. How did this occur?"
ERIC:" Simple. I had a light pumpkin moment. One morning i was belting round Edith trying to think of her name when she suddenly squeezed my palm..."
R:" Ahh...so you have a palm tree too!"
ERIC:" Are you nuts! I'm out of dates. Let me finish without vege interruptus. Edith suddenly had a Capsicum light bulb moment at the same time i was headbutting my pumpkin. E grabbed two capsicums, strapped one over each eye, solved my problem."
ERIC:" Simple again Simon. The capsicums brought tears to my eyes, Edith's are extra strong because she grows them utilizing Trump political manure fermentation plus a dab of blatant sprinkled crap."
R:" What on earth has a light pumpkin pon head with flooding tears from capsicum overload got to do with leaving your extended seat belt on? Did the ensuing pain jog your memory pray tell?"
ERIC:" No no no no! the rush of tears flooding down myself, which is very close to my body, soaked me through. So much so i was able to slip through the belt like an eel on heat through a warm plate of thinned sardine oil."
R:" But that sounds utterly preposterous if i may say. For a start, Edith reminds you that you haven't unlocked your seatbelt. Why bother trying to flog Edith's super duty hotties strapped to your eyeballs and a light pumpkin on your head when you're driving? That would cause people to drive like absolute idiots with tears of frustration flooding down their faces. And firstly pumpkins balanced on their heads would serve no purpose than to be an absolute annoyance."
ERIC: Umm...yeah, maybe you have a point, most people drive like absolute idiots with tears of frustration flooding down their faces anyway. Umm...how about if we swapped the light pumpkin on head for a cooked pot of potatoes?"
ERIC:" Well...if they stop suddenly and they catch the handle of the pot in time they could avoid being involved in a bad mash!"
R:" Eric let's leave it there..."
ERIC:"That would be purely up to the potty driver, i remember my mum running a skewer from ear to ear, she used to screech, "Eric! you dirty little boy, you have potatoes in your ears!"
R:" Are you sure Eric the skewer didn't impose on your thought process, a cognitive separation between fanciful and spud removal?"
ERIC:" Did at first with the skewer ends poking out, but mum trimmed it back both sides so that it didn't catch on things."
R:" Eric for the vege God's sake let's leave it there..."
ERIC:"That's what the surgeon said." :>)
MORAL: "Don't worry too much about a lousy memory, or being upset about what people may or may not think of you. At the end of the day as long as you remove the capsicums from your eyeballs every now and then when you're driving and you have your GPS on, and you occasionally clean the spuds out of your ears who gives a toss. Everyone has their own idiosyncrasies now don't we? :>)