Wednesday, July 18, 2018

Shaking One for the Home Team

by Ed Attanasio (writer), San Frickin' Frisco, Baby!, September 24, 2007


CBS NFL analyst Charlie Casserly reported on yesterday’s pregame show that the NFL sent a memo to all 32 teams last week informing them that home teams are not allowed to tell their cheerleaders to warm up, stretch, or otherwise do anything in front of the visiting team's bench that might distract the players before the game.

Apparently there were concerns around the league that some teams had specifically told their cheerleading units to warm up prior to the game right in front of the visiting team, in hopes that the visiting team's players would be too distracted checking out the cheerleaders to pay attention to their coaches' pregame instructions.

“Some of the girls were getting a little too close to the visiting teams,” said Perky Areolas, head cheerleader consultant and official pom-pom inspector for the NFL. “There were actually a couple lap dances going on. We found dollar bills in some of the ladies’ cheering shorts, which is highly inappropriate.”

Some cheerleaders were also allegedly wearing tiny microphones in their tight-fitting outfits and asking opposing players to divulge plays and formations. “We were just doing what the coaches told us to do,” an anonymous NFL cheerleader said. “I was able to get a little bit of one team’s game plan out of a rookie who couldn’t keep his eyes off of my undulating breasts. Hey, if it gives our guys an advantage, we’ll do whatever it takes.”

There has been no word on whether it's legal to videotape the opposing team's cheerleaders. “This is getting crazy,” said one unnamed NFL official. “Pretty soon they’re going to make the cheerleaders wear burlap sacks so that they don’t distract people. Hey, they’re cheerleaders. If they’re not distracting folks, they’re not doing their job!”

(Portions of this article came from, while other parts are pure fiction provided for entertainment purposes only.)

About the Writer

Ed Attanasio is a writer for BrooWaha. For more information, visit the writer's website.
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5 comments on Shaking One for the Home Team

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By Glenn T on September 24, 2007 at 03:45 pm
Come on, now Ed - these girls really do serve a purpose... they give the players something to spend their money on BESIDES dogfighting.
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By Ariel on September 24, 2007 at 07:01 pm
I am afraid I disagree with you Ed on this one. I did not write the review but I do agree with it to a certain extent. I think the problem comes mostly from the fact that the large majority of BrooWaha's articles are either opinion pieces or actual news and therefore readers expect this kind of pieces here and are disconcerted when they find something else. Maybe we should start an "Onion-like" edition of BrooWaha?
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By LoveChef on September 25, 2007 at 11:51 am
Disconcerted? What a joke. This article is funny and brilliant. Anyone who would be upset or annoyed by something like this needs to extract the large object that no doubt resides in their derrier. Keep writing things like this, Ed. BrooWaha needs MORE stuff like this!
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By Venditto on September 26, 2007 at 01:49 pm
Perky Areolas isn't a real person?
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By Annonymous on October 11, 2007 at 02:18 pm
I wonder if Bill Belichick secretly videotaped this?
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