Saturday, September 22, 2018

What's A Doggie To Do?

by Limoge (writer), Los Angeles, September 19, 2007


Memo to: Hollywood Executives

From: Murray the Schnauzer

I’m writing to you Hollywood guys ‘cause I got a bone
to pick with all of you . Now, I don’t mean to sound
bitter but what’s a dog gotta do to get a decent job
these days??!

I did my research. Back in the day Rin Tin Tin was
the go to guy. He starred in movies and TV shows and
legend has it he could jump over 11 feet high and
served in World War I (whadda show off!) Then there
was Lassie. For like 40 years it was, “Lassie, help
me I’m in a ditch” or “Lassie, save me I’m drowning”.
The weird part is I hear she wasn’t even a
female!!--now ain’t that a bitch! But I digress.
Then recently we had Eddie that jack russell from
“Frasier”. What a guy. I actually like him. Every
once in a while I’d run into him at the Beverly Hills
Kennel Club. We’d take a swim, wrestle a little, even
take a nap together (hey, now don’t get any ideas, I
like Eddie but NOT like THAT!!) But uh, like I said
he’s a real good guy. Now I hate to spill any
Hollywood secrets but I was actually up for that job.
I only didn’t get it ‘cause I kept screwing up my
lines. They wanted a bark when I entered the room and
I felt it should’ve been more of a whimper. I had my
agent talk to them but it didn’t work. Ahh, no sense
crying over spilled biscuits.

Any hoo, in case you haven’t noticed there’s been a
shortage of decent acting roles lately for us canines.
There was that “Underdog” movie and I was gonna try
out for it but I KNEW it was gonna suck! I mean
c’mon, even I knew they needed to keep it a cartoon
for God’s sake! But again I digress. Now once in a
while Letterman has his Stupid Pet Tricks but lately
even he‘s been cutting back! And let me tell you,
those pet tricks ain’t so stupid. I’d like to see
Letterman balance a ball on his nose while scooting
around on his ass. Ahh, whaddya gonna do?

So c’mon guys, give a doggie a break and come up with
a role he can seek his teeth into (sorry, no pun
intended). I mean I hear times are tough for you
humans lately. You need a furry guy with a cold nose
to lighten things up a bit and maybe even save the
day. I mean what’s more American than a dog with a
heart of gold (even if he does enter the room with a

Well, thanks for listening and I hope to hear from you

P.S. I promise not to lick myself in mixed company.

Yours truly,


About the Writer

Limoge is a writer for BrooWaha. For more information, visit the writer's website.
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