PET PLEA. RIGINAL.
My name's Eric,Eric Dribble. I run a mobile animal vet/pet shop...at least did til my main attraction, a horny anteater, ran away. They do that when they're horny. Bit like some guys with "ants in their pants."
You all know the type. Another conquest on the anthill of one 'upmanship' or to be more precise, another one woman up conquest.
Enough already, not my business but the ads promoting this type of behavior? Big business!
A wealthy friend came to me. She is drop dead or alive a woman gorgeous who could have any man she so desired. She has her own house, housemaid, yacht, ski (she?) resort. Got to her position by sheer backbreaking work ethic. She breeds horny anteaters. I met her at the vet's annual anteater 'de-horning' extravaganza. You see a full grown anteater horn having been detached, is then crushed to powder form. Mixed with Ms. G'sss special blend of horn- added mix of secrecy it is the most powerful weapon in the hormone race pursuant in the quest to emulate the world's greatest lover. Don Juan. Or his sickly brother, Don G Howcm i Don' Get No Satisfaction?
Don' ask me my man. Maybe a genetic backfire bro? Case of smouldering lust unfulfilled? Pants too tight? I mentioned the sickly brother's habit of chasing cougars and getting clawed and basically stomped on, to Ms. G. She felt sorry for him. The hapless man had already tried love potion number 9 on a bent down turn around "nearly gave me a wink...said she'd make it up right here in his sink" basis. "Smelt like turpentine tasted like Indian ink. He held his breath, closed his eyes." Nothing! It sunk. Enter Ms. G.
SHE bent down. Poured a powdered teaspoon. Passed it to Don G. Gee! Don't know whether it was the powder of horn or horn power after the B kissed him lightly and saturated the poor man with her perfumic aura; needless to say, Don was a devotee of little Big Horn Custer's last stand from that day forth and the subsequent day. I have it on good authority- the fifth.
If you don't believe me look up the Battle of Big Horn fought on an anti- white man hill. And rightly so.You'll find historically the battle was won purely and simply because the Indians not only were flogging solar heating, these noble warriors partook of horny anteater powder mixed with their their own special blend of Buffalo chip shredded. The BC's had the effect of enraging the senses. However i must add, two weeks before the battle Chief Sitting Bull, no bull, showed his men a mind numbing video of a local parking inspector wacking infringement notices on their battle prepared snorting painted four- legged testosterone injected battle hardened galloping barebacked horse's bums.
That's why the Battle of Big Horn had an hour delay period. The horses were horse clamped until the chief payed the outstanding four- legged snorting horse's fines. Indeed, one horse was not allowed to go into 'attack paleface' mode simply because he was snorting some sort of weed 'accidently' fed to him by a rather raucous rider; himself rather high on the idea perhaps of scalping at Will. Luckily Little Richard lionhorseheart as he was known...had blurred vision of suck- it- and- no- see. Luckily for Will. LR missed Will, stabbed himself in the ear with his homemade 'peace pipe' full of strange vegetation not usually known for creating peace when mixed with ticket scalping parking inspector's notifications to add substance. By the time the 8mm projector was packed and returned to the video store from where it was stolen, the hostiles were so hostile over the resultant cost of the parking fineage they were ready as one to stab themselves they were that angry. T pee flew in all directions according to the local directional windsock used to gauge the flight of the arrows.
I know i have wandered a little from the Lady G. Believe me chaps if you saw her you wouldn't let her wander if she were yours. But as fate would have it, with or without the powdered anteater horn, that lady was self sufficient in every way. Why should she go out of her way to date anyone? She was one with the lot...and she chose to keep her powder dry. Shame really. She rang one day and asked me to trim her horny A. I did. Isn't it funny, though i'm just a vet and former horny anteater seller now gone, do you guys ever get the temptation when you're trimming horny anteater's nails to ask a beautiful desirous woman would she be terribly upset if you gave her a quick peck on the cheek? Remember that very harmonious old song, "i love you, a bushel and a peck,a bushel and a peck and a HUG? around the neck?" See what a peck can lead to?
The moral is, things beyond your reach, just be happy with a handshake and the knowledge that one day the phone will ring and a seductive voice will murmur "my horny needs a trim...are you free!" Maybe one should take a rain check or a powder?
In conclusion one more question re excitement. On the news here in Australia a weird news item. Apparently there is as i powder a freshly washed ant at a local ant farm, a Viagra pill forthcoming for women. I don't know much about women, just horny anteaters. Why would a woman take such a pill? Men may have to,that i understand. Surely women won't rush this V input. I just don't get it. Hope the women don't either. For goodness sake are we men that bad in bed? I personally feel outrage. Men, i propose a joint mens' march against this latest quest for women's equality. If the women insist on this pill all i can say is heaven help us and stiff. Next, women will be smoking Havanas in bed and asking with disinterest..."was it lousy for u too?" I will get the details on this pill. I am saddened. This advent if it catches on, will spell the end of powdered anteater horn on both sides of the fence. Then again, if a woman with an existing fence down the middle of the bed, either wooden or Barbed, might dismantle same? No a fence ladies? A hot cocoa and a "bless you" sneeze return to normality please. If you do find ants in your pants i have a powder to render them harmless,or at least put them to sleep humanely. G when your pets wander you can stay awake all night. I say enough already...i rest my powdered ants. I wash and powder them in lots of six...there's a big saving for those that can't budget. Have a great weekend whichever comes first and if you see my grubby runaway horny anteater, tell him to phone home! He's probably all matted and hysterical by now. Told the long snouted fool to stay in his box. Some pets don't know when they're well off. :>)