WORLD'S OLDEST ESSAY/rock find: ASTOUNDS SCIENTIFIC STUDENTS.
A group of scientific students led by 'Irving the redoubtable', leader of a close nit group from the college of DUE (Develop U English) astounded senior boffins of media speak with their discovery of an ancient one- page parchment essay, believed to be the world's first essay on an ancient laptop left behind by the Gods of word dumb...sorry, word dom heights seconded from the Chariots of "ye God!"
Worldwide media gathered around the digging site just north of U.K. isle a scant one hundred student feet from the road to Damascus via proofread lane gone west of the wall which provided ample shade for the diggers' that found the priceless word purely by accident. Irving's folly.
In the dead- of- night write Irving stumbled, fell down a dry ravine. Irving rolled some fifty five Damascus hand spans. As Irving rose to his haunches, his right foot (attached to his ankle enabling Irving to get up) struck a pile of scattered rock- shaped symbols. The essay page jammed in the ancient rock on laptop unseen, yet to be stood on. Irving's fellow students called out, "are U.K. Irving, can you speak,hold on we're coming down...don't move." The slightly stunned Irving replied, "i'm okay but there's something weird down here!"
One of the brighter DUE students shone his torch on the now risen Irving tying his vinyl shorts back up on his head to keep the night sun out of his eyes. In a reassuring voice the male bright shiner assured the blinking Irving that the "something weird down here" was basically an appendage most males have in varying sizes. Nail biting. Bright giggled. "Oh Irving fear not. They are called toes.They are there to stamp Greek debt grapes and kick soccer balls with the aid of one's foot moving in accompanying sequence which in turn enables force from the ankle to articulate, and assist propulsion. Remember, how your dad used to run? Same principle the essay Principal used to chase him out of DUE when your daddy failed an exam which was due. In due course your daddy did pass...with the aid of the Principle's foot...up his clacker for not presenting his own work."
That's when Irving felt around, picked up three odd shaped rocks obviously shaped by a higher bean. Possibly Jack of the Jack and the BEANstalk true story height?
"Fellow students look what i have here down round my aching unkles i will throw them up, i think they amazing!" Irving's aching 'uncles' helped throw the precious rocks up. The students stood dumb foundered. They do that quite a bit in between sites i've heard.
Daybreak broke. One of the stockier students headbutted the break of day, broke it. There before DUE; amazing! On the ground, lay three ancient stones of varying shapes, throwing up. Sorry, they had already been thrown up. The students knelt as one. Asone would have knelt but he was too preoccupied trying to wind his replica camera as one does with cheap imitation E Breaky crap.
It was at this time the social media barged in on the Facebook barge. A twittering all texting boisterism prevailed. The rocks were arranged in all obtuse formations but out of the forth and fifthcoming comments nothing made sense. A language expert from DUE pushed forward. "Due know i thunk i can solve this riddle!" he shouted excitedly to his agape puzzled friends standing there looking minus their non plus looks which equals the square root of nothing. Quickly the grade A Lang tried different word patterns with the rocks. HUD?...nnnup? UDH? UHD? nah? The DUE students giggled, "nnnup!" they shouted in giggle fits. "Dat dere HUD n' UDH,UHD don't make sense atoll." they cried. Maybe most of their parents visited the atoll after the tests A? Which the English were supposed to clean up? Or was that another English speaking country? My how bombs and time flys. Least it got rid of the flies for a while? Suddenly the penny dropped on Lang. A stone penny ancient weighing six pounds. It landed on Lang's foot causing Lang to knee jerk kick the D in front of the UH? Now! it all made sense to the media and the advanced students from DUE.
They all shouted in unison..."DUH!" A media cameraman then swung his camera lens askew trying to swat a nearby swat team's annoying drone fly by. All of a sudden the ancient God's message said it all. DUH! A professor of high intellect pushed through the enraptured throng smoking a decidedly non tobacco smelling goat's horn. "Look down there!" exclaimed the pro. Of course everybody looked up, compelled to simultaneously at the sound of a voice from the essay heavens above. "Add 'AMAZING POST' the voice thundered. "Take the ancient laptop from under Irving's feet (the Damascus ravine cleaner found it) and use it well for all student essays. It is written in stone and will work until essays freeze over and dust to eternal insignificance. To be reassembled on 'D' day in lieu of "DUH" day future students will embrace in comma and dash to the essay box to paraphrase the essay parrots.
Irving reached down, brushed the ancient laptop keys with his toes. He carefully blew dust off the single page essay. The world media held their collective breath. You could have heard a ping pop from a sniper's essay pinging popgun. Irving adjusted his vinyl shorts a notch on his head. Undid his replica zip, stuck his head through and spoke to the student world and millions of people stunned. Drawn temporarily away from Dr. Phil admonishing a screeching woman strangling her cheating lesbian lover's husband. Irving drew himself up, threw the pencil away."Students of this modern essay era. This one page essay from the essay God says here, and i quote,'no need to use the alphabet guys. As long as you can say "Amazing post DUH!" you is halfway dere. DUH is also written in stone. Go forth and sew your amazing deeds of word. Chuck in a rubber gym mat so other students of your choice can bounce "DUH!" off each to their hearts content!' unquote.
Irving stood nervously. He faced the combined U.K. American essay secret service E bored. He bent down as the secretary of sad- state- of- the- world English affairs placed the 'DUH' medallion around his wordy neck. Irving waved to the billion applauding students. Spoke simply. Clearly. "I Irving would like to say to the student world at large, don't give up. Amazing medal DUH!"
Irving freelance tripped proudly off the world stage...dropped his proposed gift of peace,shattering it to pieces, breaking the hinges off the ancient stone laptop he was supposed to present to the President. Shame really. What we don't need at the moment in this world of rhetorical push and shove, threat making, greedy grasping same old same old silliness, is an unhinged President/ Prime Minister/ leader elect, (indeed ANYONE) embracing broken tablets/promises, or for that matter an overload of amazing ancient DUH! "we'll fix dat one daze!" The wearing of vinyl shorts on the head? Mmm...have to have a think about that one. There's no 'amazing' moral. Duh?
Have a great day students of the world. All DUE credit to you all. Irving sends his best "DUH!" Amazing you is Irving. God bless you. :>)