A BRIEF INTERLUDE WITH DES DIG M DEEPER. riginal.
Hello again my fine healthy friends. So! you are feeling fine? Damn! As your local cut price funeral director i suppose in a way you people who are alive, well; to put it bluntly, despise me because no-one wants to be told that one day they won't be around elevated atop on this minutely oblong, out of round coil, to participate in mankind's machinations of endeavor. Which to me from where i'm digging, represents at present, millions, perhaps billions, of little social media loving ants strewn far and wry across this God- created paradise whereupon people mingle, tickle, computerate with such verve of voracity in getting to the top of life's sometimes rickety ladder of success, they tend to forget they're not like debt- which never dies?
Death my dear debt dead friends as everyone knows, is the cessation of life caused by a variety of happenstance. Indeed, if you don't want to dwell here please vacate immediately. However, the God of cessation waits with open arms as do my used coffin salesmen and women transposed. Ahh! I've spiked your interest thus far? I am different from the usual sombre funeral director who wears the mask of respectability ordained since the beginning of time.Even the 'different' replica Rolex type that dies a natural death about 30 seconds after your pin numbers enter the company's bunk account,so too, time dies. I think it has something to do with the clumsy dies they manufacture these tin trinket baubles of 'near enough' from. But they do serve a purpose. That being, one stops for a minute to think of the inane purchase from "Eaaah!" Bay. In sympathy perhaps as already stated, the watch doth stop also? I could be wrong in my assumption the deceased hands on your rapidly discoloring purchase ends likewise?
You see my new business as an offshoot of people dig, has taken a wonderful turn of good fortune for yours truly and me (I have a split personality purchased from e bay in a pack of three vinyl personalities. The odd personality extra sold for a goodly price,enabling me to chuck out my vinyl underwear, sick watch, and purchase a genuine Rolex sewn into my new silk boxer shorts. Got the lot at a great saving online for two reasons. I pinched the boxer shorts from the CEO of Google's line hanging on the line whom lives next door to me in downtown downtown. I removed the resident boxer residing in my unpegged used boxers thus negating the need for a punch up. UP town or downtown. Told Peg i had no need of her either. However, Peg, who was hanging online and used to 'cook the books' for the Google 'pie in the sky bakery guesstimate,' ie: Ms. Calculated tax payment 'adjuster'-came to work for me in an advisory capacity in my new 'bury your debt used debt yard.'
Ahh! Now you are beginning to twig. Des, formerly 'dig m deeper' cheaper, no longer buries bods. That's right. You heard right my dear dear debt ridden friends. I no longer bury homo sapiens or Politicians. I, Des, have returned from the grave to new heights. I bury your debts. The idea came to me in a flash. The flash being when i climbed naked over Google's fence to 'borrow' the shorts now bereft of a ham- fisted boxer.
With the aid of Ms Peg unclipped from the clothesline offline i started my new franchise business. You may be wondering at this point in time why i wear boxer less shorts with an expensive genuine Rolex sewn in the crutch? The crutch of the matter is, i don't want my watch stolen and i didn't have the time to sew it in my sock. Why would i? Every dill sticks their valuables in their socks now don't they? Sock it to me? But if you have the genuine time between your legs, robbers are none the wiser. I must point out at this stage a friend had a 'Big Ben' replica watch sewn in his underwear, unaware that when the clock struck on the hour, the ensuing noise would and did allow a robber to adjudge that my friend had indeed something valuable hidden from sight.
My friend instead of being asked to put his hands in the air and hand over his watch...was instead asked to put his legs in the air and hand over 'Big Ben' or receive a gong on the kneecaps to emulate Ben's. The robber used to gong as a silly half hour but since installing the stolen watchtower he now gongs every silly hour.
Back to my business. Sorry if i stayed too long on the swinging gong. Needless to say people, don't put your gong where someone perhaps off the bong hears something wrong and robs you of your gong. Look what happened to King Gong! Swung with a beautiful young lady whom, i heard, drove the poor creature up the wall...or windows at least. If you are thinking of installing a 'Big Ben' and won't listen to my advice...at least fit a silencer to the gong. Or, carry a set of earmuffs to proffer to a robber prior to the gong gonging wrong at an ungodly bonging hour.
So, to the important part. My business, www.@ Desburydebtdeepermmm.com. This is the scenario. You drive, walk, or gong (without bong!) into my yard which is disguised as a reputable car yard. THAT should be a distinct standout in the U.S.A.? :>)
Bring with you your new or used debts. Here's how it works. I have seconded 30 thousand new burial caskets to be used as debt burial receptacles. You chuck all your debts in the casket of your choice. We screw the lid down plus any debt collectors you may not have evaded on your trip downtown downtown. That's right. You, me and me (i have a split personality remember?) bury your debts deep. We then send in our operatives, preferably after hours, to remove your debt files from wench those dirty rotten scoundrels reside with their fat greedy little grasping piggy faced x pens. We are presently updating to a new floormat. Any resistance and our under floormat cover operatives will slap protesting florid greedy faces with a monogrammed Dirty Des mat if those despicable people happen to be burning the midnight oil. Staying back after Big Ben hours no doubt to jack your interest up.
You may be thinking...and that's a great start..."Des? Why don't you just get your operatives to use sophisticated soft wear to do the dirty on these legalized crooks? Answer's simple. Myself,me, and my staff, wear hard wear! If you wear soft wear breaking into banks and other related loan houses of ill repute, our soft wear could get snagged on the file cabinet creating an investigation of such proportions the investigators may piece together the threads and build up a case of shorts minus boxers, then where would you people be? Up the creek without a gong down your thong. Do you get my drift?
The prices we charge depends on how deep you're in debt. In Greece's sake we'll bury the hatchet with an i.o.u.
So there you have it. If you would like to purchase a Desdebtdigmmm Deep franchise, give me a gong. But make sure it has a silencer fitted. But before you gong me, have a great weekend. I know i said at the beginning of my ad that debt never dies. But if you try to borrow as least as you can...you can make it feel awfully sick! Best of luck. Me and me and Peg the 'cook booker' are waiting for your call. DIG IT?
Serious, on tele. The CEO of Google when questioned,among other conglomerates by one of our independent politician 'good guys'...didn't have a clue what tax the company paid nor did most of the other shysters. Maybe they buried it deep in the heart of offshore forshore Taxes? Yet we get buried under abusive claptrap for missing a payment. The word bastards, get a gong here? :>)