Hi! My name is Cyril. I am the original experimental mouse having served my country by being the recipient of many many experiments humans were, and still are, afraid of performing on themselves for fear of wiping themselves out and dying unceremoniously so this is where i was seconded-lured if you like-into the lab because i possess a brain which most humans these days tend to leave behind in their pursuit of something-anything- that jerks their fancy. Fancy this jerks. I am now a retired experimental mouse author for up and coming young mice keen to get ahead in this world of "say cheese!" You have passed the test of time young up and coming ambitious micers hellbent on avoiding the educational mice trap. I too stuck my neck out for the human two- legged rodents by volunteering for deaf defying stunts. IE, remember the mouse that had an ear grown on its back? That's right...ME! Before i continue, let me fill you in a little on my life. I was born. Grey, furry, in my mothers eyes a cute baby. Mother and my siblings knew i was special. At six months of age i could recite the Holey cheese alphabet. Just prior to my brothers and sisters eating it. I then started to eat newspaper headlines, progressing to glossy mags. One morning i over imbibed on a Kardashian front page down under and i can tell you, by the time i got to her cute ample buns i had had my fill.
You humans may say, and with goodly screwed up countenance,rats! I was sitting on my bunk one morning when it struck me! Dad was a bit of a dill. Lousy collapsible bunk builder. He ran off with a crummy crumb collecting young thing who used to flaunt herself outrageously outside our meager rent-a-hole in the skirting. Dad couldn't resist, lusting after her skin- tight grey mouse genes. You ladies know the shape. A pair of jeans that smooth out mouse bum obvious imperfection bulges. Lifts, separates, coming within a whisker of over flaunt. Dad fell for the trap. Chased her down the hallway, ran straight into a trap. Mum wasn't squeaky clean either. She rocked up at dad's funeral with a ratty- faced hippy mouse half her age. He was quite the entertainer. Played drums on a stolen thimble. I was sick of living my life surrounded by humanistic like outrageous behavior. Besides, the drumming when the hippy heard my mummy coming back from the supermarket was unsettling. He was a lazy sod. I'll give you the drum.A con mouse. Rumor had it he was running with a drumtight rat pack.
One night after a cat nap; i had started a friendship with an alcoholic cat too lazy to rid itself of its own fur balls- i decided to venture down to the unemployed mouse employment center. Hair slicked back, mow trimmed, pointed hand-me- down leather shoes, cat's whisky rinsed out of my whiskers...i made an impression upon the middle -age mouse in charge. Had my IQ tested. I had the added spec brains of a politician. My employment future brightened after i had the speck, which was irritating and suppressing my normal thought- removed free of charge by a sympathetic surgeon. Prof. M, (of mouse surgical fame) you may remember, performed a brain operation on the original Hickory Dickory Dock mouse,enabling the pathological trait inherent in the mouse's makeup that caused it to run up the clock simply to entertain bored kids verbatim-encouraged by bored frustrated parents- to cease this useless scrabbling. However there was a problem. Namely,Wun the time keeper mouse. The now equally bored clock erupted. Struck Wun. The mouse, no longer running, added to the clock's boredom, threw a fit. Was diagnosed for no rhyme or reason for being the first Cuckoo Clock. But i must press on with my life as an experimental mouse. Maybe i'll visit the maddened clock another time when Wun is sufficiently well and the traumatic 'struck' he endured is but another time and place. So i'll wind the clock-no pun intended- up.
There i sat, reading 'jobs available.' Like a beacon my keen sense of smell sniffed as i read the job offer. "Wanted by lab, a highly intelligent mouse with recently removed political plaque off his lobes, to become a test pilot mouse for experimentation purposes. Must be over 18. Some sex involved, but in the main willing to have ears grown on back, extra leg prosthesis implantation, occasional drug use, general acidic stuff thrown in eyes, head occasionally removed and acid poured down throat. Prefer a strong swimmer with 'no fear' attitude. Fun job with room for advancement up the ladder of accomplishment, whereupon you'll be dropped from the ladder onto concrete to test sensitivity to pain. Must have own proper health care cover, driver's licence, first aid grade 4, able to take over the controls,fly a jet at mach 10 after the pilot passes out. Free dental. Wages to be negotiated."
I applied. Got the job. Had a ball. Didn't look back. You don't tend to when you're running away from a starving rattler to test how long its poison takes before you start to rattle. The hell with it. I was ready. The night before the experiment i secreted a morphine filled syringe upon my person. The scientists had a tea break. I plunged the needle into the snake's elbow. The experiment was abandoned. The snake fell asleep with a grin on its face. When it woke that night we shared a coffee, i made it a ham sandwich. I could rattle off a list of our adventures but unfortunately it bit a scientist, had to be put down. Sad really, the snake cried at the scientist's funeral. For God's snake the snake didn't like having a finger stuck in its gob. Next i had an ear grown on my back. I complained, received a great hearing...they removed it.
I was dropped into boiling water to test how a red hot mouse responds to imminent bubble. I rose quickly to the surface, bubble dialed 911 mouse cruelty, yelled into my boiling mobile,"my ass is burning." They stuck me in a fridge. I ate my way out through the seal. Seal wasn't wrapped either. I shouted, "make up your bloody minds, i'm going to ring Geneva." Geneva was a lady friend who used to warm me up on frigid occasion. They placed me under a hydraulic ram with a brick on top of me in an attempt to see how far my eyes would pop out. The ram came down rather swiftly i whispered out to the scientist in charge,"psst!" He bent down, "psst what?" I flicked the brick off, sidestepped. The scientist now possesses the longest recorded flattened nose in experimental recorded history.
His nose was entered in the Guinness book of longest noses, but they had to remove it from the book because it kept snotting a long nosed wooden puppet who claimed the scientist's nose was artificially enhanced. Wooden share first so the scientist's nose had to take a back seat. I mean it took up a WHOLE back seat! One other silly experiment? they put me in a maze after injecting me with heron. The heron cracked a wobbly at having its juice extracted. H picked me up,threw me over the side of the maze. Pecked the maze runner official in the head to her amazement. I could go on for hours but like the mouse that ran up the clock, time to push off. Oh! one humorous experiment i must relate. The head honcho injected me with bubonic plague. What he didn't know is that i was immunized at birth against this distressing- to- humans disease. I said nothing. Play acted that i was dying, rolled round, did the twist. They then tried out their antidote. I sprang up full of vim. WARNING. If you humans want to avoid taking days off work do not take bubonic plague on a regular basis. If your job plagues you maybe it would be a welcome relief?
One of the silliest things i was asked to do just before i retired was to smoke E-Cigarettes to test their harmful effects. I fronted the smokin' scientist offering me the E. I questioned the stupid fellow. "Do you smoke my shit?" "Certainly not!" he replied indignantly."Well then..." i replied as sarcastically as i could, "don't expect me to smoke your shit!"
He walked outside, lit E up E did. Dropped dead E did. Question for you humans. A quarter of your world as you continue to pollinate pollution, wear masks to stop from sucking crap in. Three quarters of the affluent remaining-but not all- try to stuff as much smoke and crap in their tortured lungs as they can? And us rodents are the dumb asses? Actually in retirement i have put in several ads for humans to volunteer to present before us in an effort to ascertain the quickest way to wipe out humanity. What's that? You don't need any help? Okay...have it your own wane. Light up an E ciggie...welcome to E are? Sorry... E.R? Have a great time.
Us mice have died so that you may live to fight another day. But then again, is living to fight every day the answer? Then again, every living thing is deserved of a life as long as it doesn't turn into a rat race for supremacy? Me? I hate rats. :>)
NOTE: No humans were injured in this post. They have their own means and ways...it's a genetic compulsion. Some of our Lemming distant cousins routinely aspire to the same. The survivors line up for a thirst quenching Lemming lemonade. Rest a bit. Rush up to the top of the cliff again in the knowledge that if they survive the next jump there's a cool energy reviving drink in a tumbler...off again!