EPISODE 1. ARE YOU PREPARED FOR DOOMSDAY ? RIGINAL.
My name is...............i reside in Alaska at number 4 Paranoia mountain rocket box 100 metres underground ready.
Let me state right from the start, we, (can't wee yet in the mountain box so if you decide to visit my secluded unknown address cross your legs. The above address is false. Or, bring a suitable container to suit. I haven't had my hole plumbed yet but there's recyclable water on hand butt ). Welcome fellow Doomsday Prepper novices.
For the purpose of my diary in case it falls into the wrong unwashed hands before i get plumbed, i shall disguise my name by writing it backwards. Hi! my name is Derf. We preppers are a bunch of concerned people who don't dig the American way of life as in live and let live. Our motto is, "shoot first...have breakfast after!" However, if you decide to drop by early we can arrange for you to be shot after breakfast.
I know you are thinking, "what in the world makes you think we want to join you in your hole? Or indeed, in dire circumstance would want to knock on the 2 metre thick door and yell through the booby- trapped intercom, "excuse me, the world has just shit itself to a North and South replicated standoff, could you spare a cup of milk and a tea bag we are from Boston." Preferably before God ends the world in frustration with the words,"serve yourself right milk and tea bag bereft seekers, the DP people dug in while you people above ground watched the end of the world on pay TV drinking copious cups of tea and calling the DP's a bunch of silly halfwits who have lost the plot! Instead of shoring up your own.
Excuse me i must write in my diary. "Do not answer the door to the tea party, press button one and send the Boston tea Party to kingdom come via the concealed tree trap catapult your dopey grandma stuck her head in thinking it was a butterfly net trap. She is still trying to find her way back from Boston after the dog wanted to go out for a pee and accidently pressed button one when he was distinctly told to press P and sit with cocked leg and a pained expression. The hydraulics on the door take one hour after dog paw recognition to open. When Gran arrives back from 1 slingshot heaven, if i am out busy shooting anyone sit her down,make her a cuppa."
Now where was i? Ahh yes, we certainly have it all together. I have enough fuel stored for five years. I had enough stored for ten, gran lit up a cigar near our dump as she re entered zone snow ahead slow, put the cigar butt down the plastic tree butt fuel depot funnel she thought was a screw off cigar disposer. Gran was blasted well back to Boston and pissed she had to start the trek back to Alaska again. She rang to say she liked her black hair tips and she no longer carries excess weight as her impromptu 'mystery bag' flight burned her nagging flab off on her way through the fir trees. Later Gran. Butt out.
We, that is my two kids, and my wife who is out shooting another three thousand reindeer to put in the icebox, will be self sufficient in our converted missile silo cunningly disguised as a very large biro. Indeed, we chained a note-pad to the nose of the silo, left a metre of the pointy end sticking out of the ground which can be retracted like a real biro. The postman rocked up, wrote on the pad,"hey! nice letterbox!" Had he not sat on the point before i had a chance to deactivate it he wouldn't now be walking alongside Gran with black hair tips, to recover his motorized ski; which if not parked back at the post office parking lot each night incurs a fine.
Don't get me wrong, we haven't mined the surrounding countryside out of sheer paranoia because we hate the rest of you Americans. Indeed, we haven't lost our way. A friendly warm reminder...don't lose yours. Absent minded Gran was out skiing, hit a warning sign which said, "don't go beyond this sign you are in a terrible state!" And so Gran arrived at the 'biro' wearing ski 'earrings' with her ears ringing in roughly that state. She's a tough old bird.
Off course it's not all doom and gloom. It was Gran's idea to take a hop step and jump over the concealed bamboo spike pit. Gran trips, pointed out a flaw in the bamboo spike spacing in that they were too wide apart. We hauled her out. I made a note in my diary. NOTE: "Doomsday preppers, note, to give your skinny Gran a spikey hair do either end, it is imperative to move the spikes in closer. Best to leave Gran in there and ask her opinion. Either that or delete the jump from the hop and step."
Look i must go, Gran and the postie are wavering in the distance, "Gran! DON'T do the jump!" Wow! lucky i took the bamboo spikes out to dip them in pain killer! A person could get hurt if they aren't careful!
Of course the postie will have to stay with us now, we can't have our location known by every Tom Dick and Granny. We're just peaceful people preparing for the eventuality that we'll one day want to kill each other. It's not a personal vendetta or hate campaign. Meanwhile Americans go about your day peacefully. Stockpile your hate. The sign on our biro tip says it all. "WELCOME! please dispose of your neighbors/teabags- thoughtfully. We must learn, or at least YOU must learn to get a long long way away from each other. Charity begins at the crack of dawn. Or is that crack the ominous sound of Gran tripping over the tree trap again? In episode 2 Gran will tell why it is best not to pull the trigger out of a hand grenade in an effort to vac that annoying hard to reach crevice dust out. Gran will also explain that to keep yourself sane underground for ten years it's best to develop an interest in the outside world, after all, isn't that why we're here? I must go, until the next episode remember, if you say to someone you don't know, "halt! who goes there! foe or foe?" then it's a sad sad day when mankind can't shovel aside their problems and find a common ground...well away from the maddening crowd. There's an old saying, " longevity is on the hole short lived. In other words we all live on burrowed time."We are not paranoid, we are sensible underground gophers going about our underground above board duties." We aim to leave the world a battered...sorry, better place. :>)