DENNIS FINDS WATER ON MARS. RIGINAL.
Class could you please put your hands together, no Lucy, you don't have to remove them...
Prof. Gladly Go here. I am hosting a brainstorming session of the world's most advanced brainical kids in a hidden location for the simple reason should one of these kids be tempted to defect to Russia- namely Dennis from Ohio- and they torture this 12- year- old with caviar tick free big Macs, then this little genius who founded among other important discoveries-the secret to longevity-then the world would not only mourn Dennis; it would greatly upset the lad's parents whom Dennis repeatedly says are of an advanced race beyond our sight, (if you wear welding goggles). His parents,Dennis says, are from the Republic of Mars. Dennis speaks in a strange tongue. Result of an online course Dennis invented drawn from an ancient American Indian custom which Dennis twisted to suit so that anyone can cheat customers online with forked tongue at will. Or, if you don't want to travel to Will you can stay in Ohio and cheat from the comfort of your own bedroom. Dennis tell the class a bit about yourself.
D:" First, may i just say the Republic of Mars sends you greetings fellow studentry of Earth. We don't send Christmas cards or greetings.Simply because i have already greeted you, my parents don't trust our postman because Mars cheapskates don't want to pay $8.50 for a $10 money order so like many silly people at Christmas after imbibing at the Mars Bars the populace stick a $10 note in a forgotten aunt's card and mark it 'card only.' The Mars postman, awake to this devious ploy, opened every card, withdrew the cash, then used to stick all Mars greeting and good will cards in the one envelope. As a result Aunt Maude from Ohio was smothered with thousands of cards. Hence at a general meeting we rendered the postman breathless. End of card sending. However, back to your original question, and i quote,"Dennis, tell the class a bit about yourself." unquote. My name is Dennis. O hi o, kids, Lucy please keep your hands to yourself,figuratively speaking, on the ends of your arms."
PROF:" Thanks for being so expansive Dennis. Could you tell us how you discovered, or at least calculated, your theory of longevity...briefly please."
D:" It all originated when as a child i used to hover around the glass oxygenated ceiling in my parents' bar. One night i nearly choked on a watered down coke which i have on good authority is the norm here as per putting a dab of coke and chunking the glass,with water heavily disguised as ice, to top up. I over hovered, abruptly cracked my head on the ceiling, the main reason for people at the bar's longevity started to disappear in gulp fulls of hiss. I then had a brainstorming moment when i realised even from my lofty broken ceiling height, that oxygen equals longevity. My parents, and those still conscious, clapped me, around the legs with a Mars magnetized clamp. Your equivalent would be a dunce's hat, and forcibly stood unceremoniously in the corner of Congress. However, i've noticed your dunces are promoted whereas i was sent to earth as a warning that thinking above is an occupational hazard. That, combined with the fact that our homes do not have corners as corners present weak pressure containment spots; PLUS the fact that's the last time dad will use the cockpit window out of a Chinese stir fry's wok et second hand-though cheap- pane replacement which marred the Mars roof. Okay, as long as you don't fry to stir the pane with your head."
PROF:" Dennis where did the oxygen originate from? Sounds airy fairy. Lucy here, has her hands back, but now she's ringing them,no-one is answering them, because there's a distinct feeling among the brains trust here that you are telling earth porkies in that you can't hover, your air apparent doesn't exist, you're not from Mars, and indeed you have no water?"
(Dennis hovers, switches off, lands, trips over Lucy wringing her hands)
D:" Hands up all, including wrung out Lucy as to my levitational prowess. What say you now oh non believers?"
PROF:" Pretty darn good i must admit, great party trick but how do we know it's not an optical illusion, can you do it again so we can feel if there's any wires?"
(Dennis hovers excitedly, smashes his head through the skylight, drops to the ground holding his head).
(kids clap, help Dennis up).
PROF:"Dennis! you take my breathe away! "
D: (rubs his head) "Same thing happened to the patrons in dad's bar. What a stupid place to put a skylight. I bet it's Chinese."
PROF:"Dennis do you need more oxygen?"
D:"Nope, got plenty in Ohio, and don't ask me where Mars gets their's. I'll give you a clue...take a deep breathe and hold it. When you reach Mars exhale. You see that's the reason we can hover, we have no organs, just reversible helium and oxygen tanks serving cocktails that rise and fall to the beat of our lifestyle, with of course surround air sound as backup. A hearty combination"
PROF:" Amazing hiss story, but what about the water? i notice you're a bit unsteady on your feet, you're certainly no tap dancer."
DENNIS:" We have flocks of underground storage clouds tethered, we let them out to graze on hydratIng spontaneous spores, we shear them when their water gets too long, by a bridge."
PROF:"Sounds a likely bridge...but what happens if you leave their water get too long?"
DENNIS:" Bit like earth i guess, you're left with a bridge under troubled waters. Ah la Simon and G over n' under troubled waters? We're not perfect you know. I mean God knows."
PROF:"He certainly does Dennis, do you miss your planet. Hovering in the bar?"
DENNIS:"Not really, at least on earth you can put your feet on the ground and your head in the clouds. Parents actually rang the other night, just a quick "O hio", asked me to come home under my own steam but i said, no tanks, bi o"
PROF:" Dennis, thanks for dropping...bye! You've certainly been a glass above the norm"
DENNIS:"Take care i'll leave by the door...the broken glass." :>)